To not want guests staying at 35 weeks pregnant?

[gratedcheeseandham]

For context, it’s my husband and I’s first child. For context, my husband is French and has a lot of friends still in France.

I’m currently just over 28 weeks pregnant and we have a guest staying with us this week that he hasn’t seen in a couple of years (an old university friend). I’ve never met her, but as I’m off work (Easter holidays and I’m a teacher), I didn’t really have an issue with her staying. I think that has translated to my husband thinking I’m okay for people staying whenever.

The problem is that he has invited his best friend from France, his wife and their two very small children (5 and 2) in the third week of May for five nighs. I’ll be 35/36 weeks at that point. I get on with the couple, but they are definitely more friends with my husband than me. They don’t speak English and aren’t that patient with my semi bad French. I’ll still be at work as I go off on maternity the week after, and to be honest I am not sure how I’m supposed to work a demanding job, come home and host and also be very near full term. My husband likes to have elaborate meals (3+ courses, all fresh, 2 hours at the dinner table) and ‘dinner parties’ most nights when having friends over.

My pregnancy has also been quite rough. I had to go and stay in hospital at 26 weeks for an iron transfusion as my iron stores were critically low, I’m consultant led as have a bleeding disorder (unrelated to iron stores) and baby is measuring on the 98th percentile. I’m also on crutches with PGP and feeling a bit like a dog that needs to be put down.

I’ve spoken to husband about this and he says that they’ve booked now. I asked if they could potentially stay in a hotel instead of our house (and they’re staying in the nursery) but he says it’ll be awkward.

I am dreading it. How do I bring this up to my husband? He’s also wanting to invite three couples round in July - a few weeks after giving birth. I think he’s being quite naive.

Totally agree with you, it’s too much. You need a settled environment and a settled mind. This is not the time for visitors is it and I would never dream of putting on a pregnant lady in that way no matter how friendly we were.

I’m not sure why it didn’t post this morning but I think all is well from my side anyway.

DH has told them to stay somewhere else and have them an option of a couple air bnbs / hotels, they immediately got a little funny but ultimately said they would look into it. They know I am pregnant and how far along I am. However, DH has said that it’s no longer possible for them to stay there so either they’ll cancel or find somewhere else. I said that I wouldn’t be going out with them to London / entertaining them. DH knows he has to host for them, including cleaning and cooking, even if that means making multiple meals as the guests have said their eldest is going through a fussy phase.

I’m quite disappointed with them as well as DH, especially the wife who must know what it’s like to be that pregnant…! DH has used the ‘they’re my friends too’ excuse, but I said that he needs to remember to put me first. I do feel bad that he misses his friends, especially as this is his best friend, but I honestly don’t know what he expects. He is a 30 something year old man who has lived in lots of different countries, has a senior and well paying job and seems to lack basic common sense.

His parents and brothers are coming in August to see their grandchild, after his youngest brother finishes their equivalents of A Levels and has his results. I am also worried about them coming as they are EXCEPTIONALLY annoying but I think that is more a PIL thing. They won’t stay in the house, but I still think they will be expecting food etc. I’ll have to have another chat with DH about this, but we are more on the same page with them.

July is also off. Obviously we can’t stop his friends (and all of their kids, 3 x couples and 5 kids in total) coming to England, but have said that we won’t be hosting them and it’s unlikely we will be able to visit. Those friends I get on a bit better with and seem a lot more understanding.

Hopefully the rest of the pregnancy is uneventful!

Well done for speaking up and making him listen (finally) OP. It sounds like your husband's friends aren't really your sort of people, and living a different lifestyle, find you hard to understand, not literally, but the way you think about things. However, that's just tough, you are going to be having your baby soon, life changes, and both you, your husband, and seemingly his friends, have a lot of learning to do, about how having a little one will affect your life and relationships.

I hope all goes well with the baby, and that the visit from PIL isn't too painful!

Why doesn’t your husband tell the visitors that they will have to book somewhere else to stay and they will all have to eat out every night as you need quiet and rest. Airbnb? I wish you all the best when your baby arrives.

My DH used to do that invite people for a meal all the time while l was working f/t, l got fed up and told him to plan the meal, shop, cook it etc it soon stopped and l was not pregnant and on crutches, plus 2 young children will make a mess and probably be noisy so you won't be able to rest, it just not on. Your DH will have to tell his friends to book accommodation else where or postpone.

DH knows he has to host for them, including cleaning and cooking, even if that means making multiple meals as the guests have said their eldest is going through a fussy phase

@gratedcheeseandham Does this mean your dh will be going over to his friend's b and b and cooking for them multiple meals, and cleaning up after them??

He needs to be at home where he can look after you and spend some time together with you before the baby arrives!

Sorry.. Cross posted and I've just seen your update - edited to reflect that

I think it is such a shame that this nonsense is stressing you out so much.
You are on bloody crutches for God's Sake!!!!!!!!!

But it is good that you are having discussions, putting your point of view forwards and giving him pause for thought. So glad for you that he's told them to find somewhere else to stay. Well done for talking this through with him.

People see you working and coping in early - mid preg quite well, but you will slow down a bit before the end and need progressively more TLC and to take things slowly and not be fussed.

I think he's having a last hurrah and its clear he misses his friends - but he can't do this at your expense.

My DH was very over excited about having a child and thought it should be a week of celebrations and inviting friends and in laws galore..He'd seen me coping really well in early pregnancy and assumed it would be the same later on. Luckily he soon caught up with the realities!

I think you should start working to rule... not just when they come, but RIGHT NOW so he gets used to stepping up. Is he coming to parenting classes, midwife visits with you. You need to explain to them (privately) he doesn't understand the demands of the last trimester and ask them to explain this to him very fully.

I think its great that you've put your foot down about moving the nursery to different rooms to accomodate guests.

You need remind him of jobs you expect him to do on paternity leave.

Hopefully he can still enjoy meeting up with them outside your home, and you can enjoy being less stressed and worried about the whole thing. Keep talking! Wishing you all the very best x

YABU because this should definitely be an elaborate conversation. This tiptoeing isn’t showing that your marriage is healthy tbh. He can order in every night if he wants to host when you are that far along

Good.

The fact he came up with the original plan(s) is bizarre.

This would be a hard no from me - I hate having people stay and I hate staying at peoples houses . Surely they know how heavily pregnant you will be why would they want to put on you. I also wouldn’t want anyone staying in the babies Nursey x

Glad your husband came to his senses - your first post enraged me so much I paused Netflix 🤣 - the right thing. Remarkable anyone thinks it’s ok to impose when you are so far along with a big bay and health conditions. I hope it all goes ok

Simple answer, no!

I cannot imagine hosting a family at my home with two small children at 36 weeks pregnant. You will not feel anywhere near as good then as you do now, either.

Your husband sounds completely clueless about what an imposition it will be to host all these people, especially ones with multiple children.

Just going to say...he is in for a rude awakening when that baby comes.

Under no conditions should you sacrifice your health, sleep, welfare, needs, or baby's needs now or in the near term so that he can host all his friends and family whenever he feels like it.

I know how you felt - it’s just nuts that a bloke with a ‘senior job’ and presumably a working brain would carry on like this.

I’d be doing this. I wouldn’t even bother making threats that he’d be hosting by himself. I’d just pack a bag and go have a relaxing week. Make him aware in advance.

I think it’s dickhead behaviour to do this to a woman so close to her due date. Irrespective of hosting duties, you just don’t want randoms in your house when heavily pregnant.

Oh my goodness....what planet are the visiting guests on!? I wouldnt dream of imposing on a couple when they are about to have a baby....or in the weeks after! UNLESS they are a qualified nanny and there to help with the night feeds and nappies! (I joke about the nanny).

Someone needs to tell the OH to pack it in and revoke the invitations!

Also, not that I hope this happens to you OP....but my baby was born nearly 6 weeks early for no apparent reason, just a lovely surprise ! So you both will need to plan for potential early surprises too! OH needs to be told firmly and the plans changed ! Doesnt matter if theyve booked!

Your husband sound like a real tyrant and Lord of the Manor type. His first priority should be you and you're unborn child. What sort of man is he! Hooking lazy, entitled, chauvinist twat

I would tell him to cancel all.of these trips. He seems to think your place is some kind of Airbnb for his visiting French friends. Let him blow it up his arse!

Tell him you he may have to them over when your child for a few days when your child is a toddler..And that your child will always come first.

Keep on eye on this man . This could be the first sign of marital.oroblems.

Well done for speaking up and making him tell them they couldn't stay with you.

I would have been beyond enraged to discover he'd taken previous holiday leave (with a baby on the way!) to spend with friends, but not extra time to spend with you and your newborn. Unbelievable!

My first arrived at 36 weeks, it’s quite close to birth to have more people over.

I had my DS at 35 weeks - what will you do if this happens! I would be pushing for them to rent an air b&b or Premier inn

They surely won't be expecting you to wsit on them hand and foot. It's your husband's place to step up and do the bulk but you may find these people will do quite a bit for themselves, and be out and about. They'll understand your tiredness after a day's work and the need to wind down, they are parents themselves.

It may not be as bad as you think but do set boundaries with your husband in advance so he knows what to and what not to expect from you, and what is expected of him.

Also stress that before asking people to stay in future, he must square it with you, it's your home.

You need a new husband! I’m a teacher intended to go on leave at 39 weeks baby came 35 weeks similar issues.
your needs come first, what will be odd is you labouring with guests in the house. When baby first arrives, then just before your hormones will be all over the place guest is the absolute last thing you need and it’s about time your husband realised that. He needs to think of your needs and the babies not just dinner parties.

Going off at a tangent here but I’m very amused about them saying their child is going through a fussy eating stage. We are always being told how well brought-up French children are, how they have impeccable manners in restaurants and very sophisticated tastes in food. Not all of them, it would seem.
Back on topic, well done for standing your ground OP. I hope the rest of your pregnancy is trouble-free and that your husband continues upwards on his very steep learning curve.

Why on earth anyone with their own kids would visit someone 35 weeks pregnant is beyond me. The guests sound just as bonkers as your DH, maybe even more so.

Just on the friends who you say should know how you're feeling - not necessarily.

Not everyone's experience is universal.

I had friends and a co-worker from an overseas office stay with me when I was 36 and 38 weeks pregnant! I was feeling horrible, PGP, couldn't move, and was still sick and couldn't go anywhere. I loved having people stay!!! I didn't do any "hosting" but since I couldn't go anywhere, I was feeling really shit and absolutely LOVED the company.

I also couldn't wait to show off my newborn, even though I ended up having a very traumatic c section by any standards. Again, I could barely move and was really missing friends and family.

So not everyone defaults to nesting and banning visitors, it's a personality thing.

It's on you and your DH to state preferences, I think they were perfectly reasonable to think it will be fine to stay if your DH invited them.