To not want guests staying at 35 weeks pregnant?

[gratedcheeseandham]

For context, it’s my husband and I’s first child. For context, my husband is French and has a lot of friends still in France.

I’m currently just over 28 weeks pregnant and we have a guest staying with us this week that he hasn’t seen in a couple of years (an old university friend). I’ve never met her, but as I’m off work (Easter holidays and I’m a teacher), I didn’t really have an issue with her staying. I think that has translated to my husband thinking I’m okay for people staying whenever.

The problem is that he has invited his best friend from France, his wife and their two very small children (5 and 2) in the third week of May for five nighs. I’ll be 35/36 weeks at that point. I get on with the couple, but they are definitely more friends with my husband than me. They don’t speak English and aren’t that patient with my semi bad French. I’ll still be at work as I go off on maternity the week after, and to be honest I am not sure how I’m supposed to work a demanding job, come home and host and also be very near full term. My husband likes to have elaborate meals (3+ courses, all fresh, 2 hours at the dinner table) and ‘dinner parties’ most nights when having friends over.

My pregnancy has also been quite rough. I had to go and stay in hospital at 26 weeks for an iron transfusion as my iron stores were critically low, I’m consultant led as have a bleeding disorder (unrelated to iron stores) and baby is measuring on the 98th percentile. I’m also on crutches with PGP and feeling a bit like a dog that needs to be put down.

I’ve spoken to husband about this and he says that they’ve booked now. I asked if they could potentially stay in a hotel instead of our house (and they’re staying in the nursery) but he says it’ll be awkward.

I am dreading it. How do I bring this up to my husband? He’s also wanting to invite three couples round in July - a few weeks after giving birth. I think he’s being quite naive.

I don't think it is 'judgy' to say that the OP will struggle with their parenting style during this visit, if these small children are up until all hours the consequence is no child-free time and probably tired fractious children for the OP to be around. And just because your DC have boundaries in your child-led household doesn't mean this family do; I have met too many parents who are oblivious to how their children inconvenience others.

I completely understand why the OP would not want to stay in a remote village away from the medical support already set up, which could be hard to get to in an emergency.

I would be at work late EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. You're getting things ready to go off on maternity leave right? Leave it to him.

I've re-read the part about parenting so yes, you're right on that.

But it's hardly a remote village though is it. That was the point I was making! It sounds like OP might be a Londoner who thinks everywhere outside of the M25 is in outer space 😂

. @gratedcheeseandham is a secondary school teacher so she sees the results of lax parenting every single day at work, just like all teachers. It’s a pleasure to be around polite, well behaved children. Hosting kids that are feral and never get told off is unpleasant and stressful. The friend’s children sound like hard work and a good example of how not to parent.

Jesus why should a clinically vulnerable heavily pregnant woman on crutches in the last weeks of a challenging / risky pregnancy stay behind in a dark school after hours so that some freeloaders and their raucous children trash her home, sanctuary and nursery for her first born?

Well clearly she isn’t if she has lived with her parents in their remote village and she herself is 40mins south of Waterloo.

My village is north of the M25 down windy lanes in hilly countryside - nearest shop is at least 8 miles in any direction and we don’t have gas only oil - nearest hospital is 50 mins drive (down windy lanes) - not suitable if she is high risk pregnancy and not near her local hospital. She has every risk of going into labour early or being induced.

Pretty shocked at the visitors presumably they’ve been through this twice can’t they show some consideration? Really weird.

Ok well clearly our views on remote and rural are different. I'd just call what you are describing as rural, but certainly not remote. I grew up in a very rural area, but I wouldn't describe it was remote. I have relatives who really are remote, as in living on an island in the Hebrides.

Well as a former teacher myself, I disagree. And from my own experience in parenting, my child-led raised children are extremely polite and well-behaved.

Whilst some children may get excitable when away on holiday, it doesn't make them feral.

Good for you OP, I hope the conversation with his friends goes well

But there is just no good reason for the OP to move to a place which guarantees a longer, riskier response in an emergency than if she stayed in her home.

The OP said she finds the way the children are parented difficult for her to cope with so that is enough. There is zero excuse for them (or their parents) to be in her home at such a challenging time. These parents sound selfish enough for them & their children to be a nightmare; I also wouldn't put it past them not to stay away even if these very young children turn up with colds or stomach bugs.

I never said OP should go and stay at her parents! I just mentioned that she was BU to describe it as remote!

Have to say, I wouldn’t bet on the marriage lasting, at this point. Think there are significant cultural differences, lack of understanding of the other party on both sides, a rather selfish husband and also, the husband is clearly missing his friends - whom the wife does not particularly care appreciate.

to the people saying that your partner will just have to host them that’s all well and good until you are tired an just want to sit on the sofa watching tv or the 3rd trimester pregnancy hormone kick in.
I agree with you the OP needs her home to ge her own in this period. When I said, 'Well if he wants this he can shop/cook/host/clear then, can't he?' what I meant was if the OP said to him that this was the deal, I'd bet he'd suddenly become a bit less keen on the idea of all these guests.

men need that softly softly approach as most aren't that understanding to demands and they are convinced they are either right or you are sprouting trivia.
Again, sorry but bollocks to this. Why must men like this be pandered to?

Has your husband told them you are pregnant? Sounds like you should be off work next term! They need to cancel and use holiday insurance!

As he speaks their language better than you do.. leave him to care for them just pop up now and again in the same way that he would if you care for guests . He's to ask them do you want a tea, coffee , breakfast .. etcetera. Stay away from the hub of hosting go lay down to rest , sit down because you are pregnant . Don't put yourself out.. but tell him now!

Wow. This is my worst nightmare. This man cannot be real. Like this can’t be a real situation. Oh my word. You have the patience of a saint. Brace yourself for your husband having a breakdown when baby arrives.
Obviously he is completely unreasonable and no one is coming to stay in your home when you are 35/36 weeks pregnant or when you are a few weeks post partum.
Host one dinner or go out for a meal when they come. That will be more than enough-They have young kids too.
Are they mental. Why did they agree to come. The saving grace is they have kids, so they will understand when he says “You Can’t Stay in our house. I forgot I have a wife and she is heavily pregnant. I am an idiot for saying otherwise”
Do not stress. Just tell him no. You and baby come first.

Got to be honest, he is being a selfish arsehole. No way would I want that. He can do all the cooking, cleaning and preparation, no way would I be doing any of if I were you. How totally selfish disregarding your health in that way.

That, and caring for the mum to be. If you’re knackered at the end of the day, he ought to take care of your meals etc as well!

Even if he does absolutely everything, I still wouldn’t want visitors. I absolutely would not want people in my home at that point in my pregnancy, even if they were no trouble.

I find a lot of responses on Mumsnet very over the top but, in this case, I think I would just let him know that you will not be able to host. You are very happy for him to invite his friends to stay (even if you're not) but you will not be cooking for them, entertaining them or anything else. He will need to do everything including making their beds before they arrive, cooking, cleaning, clearing up, entertaining and getting everything back to normal once they have left.

If necessary and you can afford it, I would probably go and stay in a hotel or with a relative while he has his guests visiting. You can frame it as needing to rest - which will be true of course.

You are being walked all over by your husband and his family. I seriously worry what is going to be expected of you when the child is born. Both he and his family are showing you no respect at all. Even if you cannot see this now, I would begin to squirrel away money for the future unknown to him as you may well find you will need it. He is a bully, will undermine you any chance he will get and then turn the absolute charm button on to win you back each and every time he makes you feel worthless. I have read your post three times and each time something else springs up as a red flag. What you could do in the interim is go to your Doctor and ask him privately to issue you with a prescription for bed rest that you can show your husband. Can you go to your parents or a friend whilst the visitors are there if you were to get the cert from the Doctor.

Her DH was going to tell them to stay somewhere else? Did he acts do this,OP?

He’s absolutely clueless !
And these guests are clueless or rude .
I would never accept an invitation to stay at a heavily pregnant woman’s home , unless they were close family and I’d help out lots while I was there and put no pressure on them .
They will need to find alternative accommodation or be prepared to make up beds for themselves , cook and clean up .
Or your husband needs to do it all /pay for a housekeeper / cook .
i had family stay when I was heavily pregnant and they didn’t really help other than play with my other 2 children.
But I was well !!