To not want guests staying at 35 weeks pregnant?

[gratedcheeseandham]

For context, it’s my husband and I’s first child. For context, my husband is French and has a lot of friends still in France.

I’m currently just over 28 weeks pregnant and we have a guest staying with us this week that he hasn’t seen in a couple of years (an old university friend). I’ve never met her, but as I’m off work (Easter holidays and I’m a teacher), I didn’t really have an issue with her staying. I think that has translated to my husband thinking I’m okay for people staying whenever.

The problem is that he has invited his best friend from France, his wife and their two very small children (5 and 2) in the third week of May for five nighs. I’ll be 35/36 weeks at that point. I get on with the couple, but they are definitely more friends with my husband than me. They don’t speak English and aren’t that patient with my semi bad French. I’ll still be at work as I go off on maternity the week after, and to be honest I am not sure how I’m supposed to work a demanding job, come home and host and also be very near full term. My husband likes to have elaborate meals (3+ courses, all fresh, 2 hours at the dinner table) and ‘dinner parties’ most nights when having friends over.

My pregnancy has also been quite rough. I had to go and stay in hospital at 26 weeks for an iron transfusion as my iron stores were critically low, I’m consultant led as have a bleeding disorder (unrelated to iron stores) and baby is measuring on the 98th percentile. I’m also on crutches with PGP and feeling a bit like a dog that needs to be put down.

I’ve spoken to husband about this and he says that they’ve booked now. I asked if they could potentially stay in a hotel instead of our house (and they’re staying in the nursery) but he says it’ll be awkward.

I am dreading it. How do I bring this up to my husband? He’s also wanting to invite three couples round in July - a few weeks after giving birth. I think he’s being quite naive.

YANBU. We ended up having to host my DH's brother, who wouldn't lift a finger for himself, when I was about 32 weeks or so. His sister rang up crying because her husband was being "difficult" about it, so my pregnancy obviously trumped that. I spent two weeks basically hiding in my bedroom to be out of the way. Unwanted guests, especially ones who need fully "hosting", are not what you need in later pregnancy!

Your husband needs to organise them an Airbnb with enough space for him. Unbelievable.

Weather warm / maybe BBQ twice where men seem to accept cooking and the guests tend to join in . Few salad bags , bread etc and that is a few meals sorted . I would explain when the guests arrive your situation and a help yourself policy of simple cold breakfast and hopefully out for lunch - at least .
Bollocks to that. Why on earth would you pander to men in the hope that they'll 'accept cooking'? Why on earth should the OP do the mental work of figuring out even 'easy meals'? (and anyway I'd bet the farm that these friends are the kind of people who'd throw out all their toys if anyone suggested a simple meal rather than the lavish affairs the DH has been treating them too thus far). Why should the OP 'hope' that they'll go out for lunches? How confident are you that the friends or the DH would be this thoughtful?

Update:

I have spoken to him again, stating that I am still unhappy this is going ahead, leading with the fact that I feel he is being selfish. The comments that highlighted he is taking annual leave now instead of with the baby after I give birth helped with that! He was a bit more receptive but ultimately hasn’t really backed down; he is stating that because I am working (my last days before maternity leave..!) he didn’t expect it to be a problem. I stated that seeing people ordinarily wouldn’t be a problem, but having a whole family round and when I am that late in my pregnancy is. I pointed out that we have spoken about the behaviour of the kids before, e.g the little boundaries and the fussy eating, which could potentially mean cooking a separate dinner for the children. About the 3 meals things and dinner parties, I said that I would not be preparing so much as a side salad and expect things to be tidy after and not adding onto my job load. We have a rule that I do most of the washing, he does most of the cooking and we have a cleaner every two weeks, but I said that he can take on all of this whilst they’re here if he can’t/won’t cancel.

My parents live on the other side of the M25 in a remote village and his parents live in France (and are perhaps even more ‘traditional’ than him, but that’s another thread) so I can’t go and stay with either one of those, nor do I particularly want to.

DH said he would take care of everything, however I said I shouldn’t feel like I am being confined to a bedroom in my own home and would want to relax, I especially wouldn’t want to dismantle a nursery and then spend a few days after they’ve gone organising things back. I pointed out that even if I didn’t go into labour when they were here, if I went into labour the day after they had gone and nothing was where I had planned it to be it would cause stress for us both. I reminded him of how upset he was when I had to go into hospital two weeks ago and he was on a work trip in Germany (he did catch the next flight back, but was very worried to miss anything) and that he would feel ashamed if I was in labour and he couldn’t drive as he had indulged in alcohol, which would be normal to expect if his friends were here.

He seemed to get it and is going to have a talk with the couple this evening, to tell them to stay somewhere else and to plan their own activities and we could join if/when we were up to it, they didn’t pick up their phone when he rang earlier. Unfortunately, I don’t have their number so I can’t do it myself. Nor would I want to again as they seem to be disregarding me!

Regarding the comments saying I should be able to speak French, I take lessons twice weekly but I hope you can appreciate that being pregnant is exhausting. Whilst I can survive in French and speak in French when I visit (we visit most half term/holidays), I wanted the few weeks before to just be able to chill out! Same sentiment to the comment calling out my bad grammar - looking at that introduction, I agree with you (and to make you clutch your pearls more, I’m a secondary English teacher), however that’s not entirely the point of the post. Thank you for the feedback!

Good luck. Look after yourself!

I agree with this, you can take yourself off to bed very early when the guests are here. Absolutely no visitors staying with a newborn you may both be unwell you need your DH supporting you then. But the baby will be in your room for 6 months at least.

Well done OP. I’m pleased he is finally on board. They stay elsewhere and he can go and pop and see them if it suits. I do also think they are cheeky to think visiting at this time is a good idea.

Good for you, OP! I hope it goes well

@gratedcheeseandham Hi, Op. Good on you! Just to pick up on your comment "he is stating that because I am working (my last days before maternity leave..!)"...
My DIL had to start her maternity leave 10 days early (she is a nurse so on her feet all day) because in the end it was too much so you may find that plan changes. It is also her first child too.

OP ask your DH to read this thread!

It is not a good time though to be away from home, in a hotel with nobody but strangers around her. The OP is having a complicated pregnancy, she needs to be supported by loved ones.

Things can move and change so fast especially late in pregnancy, in a way that can hit you like a ton of bricks. From my experience I know that you can go eg from feeling a little peaky in the morning to having an emergency CS the same evening. I don't want to scare the OP (things almost always turn out OK in the end) but it is absolutely essential to prioritise the mother's needs, and her 'D'H is failing to do that. Let's just hope he is merely naive and ignorant about the realities of pregnancy, rather than that he just doesn't give a shit about his wife & unborn child.

He should cook. Cancel guests after birth though. Not fair on you or baby.

Good for you. It’s very very important that you not only protect your pregnancy from unnecessary physical strain and emotional stress but that you look to intentionally enhance your experience especially as you have had such a challenging time already and you are also very vulnerable clinically. Know that you are also doing this for the health and safety of your unborn child (he doesn’t have those hormonal instincts - so keep trusting yours) - also be very specific about your expectations from him - seems he has either poor boundaries or is not cognisant or prioritising you and your babies needs above his.

Absolutely ridiculous suggestions by him. Need higher boundaries. I would say no house guests in the first year - just so you don’t have to keep revisiting this topic. Best of luck to you and protect your experience of motherhood it’s precious and fleeting and sometimes fragile. Men haven’t a clue - it’s your body - you call the shots. Stand firm for yourself and your baby.

Definitely tell him he can whistle for the guests after the birth. This is your first baby and you have no idea what kind of birth you will have, and how you'll feel after. Both of you may be climbing the walls from tiredness and you may have a bad recovery (though I very much hope all is straightforward). Either way, DO NOT let him plan anything based on how perky he feels now. Even a textbook birth really takes it out of you.

That’s insane. That time should be for you to relax and rest before baby arrives

I am not so sure this is all about cultural differences though. I don't know what there is that is 'more relaxed and go with the flow' about expecting your hosts to ferry you up to London every single day. I live near London and the city is full of French groups & families (as well as other nationalities) happily finding their way around London on the underground/buses/trains etc without needing English hosts to help them get around.

I am not sure the OP needs to get on better with these people unless she wants to; tbh they just sound unpleasant, insensitive and selfish so she may not want to. Again, nothing to do with cultural differences; I know plenty of kind & thoughtful French people. She can work on improving her French sometime in the future if she wants to, if these people are such great friends of her DH perhaps they might be motivated to learn a little English too when in the UK to help them connect with their good friend's wife?

I’m glad you’ve stood up for yourself and hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well. Hopefully your DH is a nicer man than it seems from this thread. If this behaviour is typical of how selfish he is most of the time, it’s possible you will end up as a single parent quite quickly. Maybe he will become more kind, thoughtful and supportive once the baby is born.

I really can’t believe he wanted to dismantle his child’s nursery!

Edited to say - his friends sound awful.

I’m so glad you’ve asserted your boundaries here and he is starting to see sense. He’s being horribly selfish and unreasonable, as are the visitors.

Dismantling the nursery and taking annual leave for these insensitive twerps is nuts.

I really can’t believe he wanted to dismantle his child’s nursery!
I think him wanting to undo the preparations that have been made for the baby is a big red flag.

Good lord OP, he is such hard work.
I think you have a very selfish man child on your hands.
Is there anything more tedious than having to explain the basics, repeatedly and at some length to someone who should be putting you first.

Don't give up your job, stay financially independent, I really think you will need it to fall back on with a man child like this.

Mind yourself.

Well done, OP.

That would be an absolute no from me and I’m surprised that the people he’s invited haven’t got more sense and said we don’t stay so near to your due date. Tell him no
or go to a hotel after work and put your feet up.

Her physical health, which is complicated, takes priority over his missing friends. She has a bleeding disorder, was hospitalized just 2 weeks ago

While this true @outerspacepotato the fact that OP is continuing to work full time implies she is capable to do so. If she can't have a 30 minute conversation and eat a meal before excusing herself to bed then she definitely shouldn't be working full time. Dh should be doing all the work here, I think we all agree that... but if OP is that unwell she cannot interact, she should be resting all day.

I agree with you for any boundary to be effective - it has have a declared deadline and a specified consequence - which is an action that YOU take if they don’t comply.

Not indefinitely begging, pleading, nagging on deaf ears until you are exhausted and capitulate.

I don’t think he should be drinking at all in the last few weeks of your pregnancy. You might need to go to the hospital at any stage.