AIBU to think DH is reasonable not visiting MIL daily in hospital?

[sabotaginglizard]

MIL is unwell (pneumonia) and in hospital on a standard ward. Other patients there have a variety of illnesses it seems to be a general rather than pneumonia ward. So some may have contagious illnesses.

DH is getting pressure to visit daily. He saw her the day before she was admitted and plans to see her when she’s home - BIL and SIL are really getting annoyed about this. We have young dc and don’t want to get ill. They are saying DH is not helping and that MIL wants to see him. Hes messaged her and called her and said he will see her when she’s home ? AIBU to think hes being perfectly reasonable and sensible ?

I don't understand why you posted when you are arguing everytime someone posted anything you disagree with. You obviously think yrnbu

At the end of the day does it matter whose view it is if he chooses to go along with the awful idea of not seeing his mother is he not just as much as fault assuming he is a grown man with a brain of his own? It’s him as the son who has the responsibility to his mom not the DIL’s so if he is choosing not to visit her that’s on him. Don’t know how that is confusing for some people.

There is indeed ( had mine after having pneumonia a couple of years before vaccine was offered to 65’s) but at 67 she may have just fallen into the age group who still can’t have it until they turn 70

I wasn’t confusing anything. It’s fully his responsibility as I said in my post.

I just wanted to clarify who was driving the health anxiety angle.

She's anti-vax.

Every family has a different "culture", when my husband had his appendix removed whilst at uni, neither of his parents visited him in hospital (or indeed afterwards). He was in for about 5 days and we were left to fend for ourselves.

If that's what's been modelled, why would you go running. If MIL sticks to a schedule for things that suit her, why would you change your schedule at her demand?

The woman is 67 not 87. I shall almost certainly be working full time at 67, its far from elderly.

My DM was doing her own shopping well into her 80s, only when mobility and dementia issues hit did she then have to rely on help.

I’m guessing both the DH and MIL are stuck in rigid routines

She was in hospital asking to see her son, it doesn’t matter if she’s 67 or 97 she was unwell enough to be hospitalised. It’s irrelevant that you’re going to work until you’re 67, you won’t be working if you’re in hospital with pneumonia, people get sick at all ages,

Did your DH ask his parents to visit?

I'm going to say it again. She's been in hospital with pneumonia. People over 65 years of age are more likely to die from this disease than any other age group apart from under 5s. It often takes a long time to recover even after discharge from hospital. Apart from anything else it can be frightening to have and knocks a person's confidence. I don't know what is so hard to understand.
Edited to add, my apparently healthy husband died suddenly at the age of 67. Ill health happens.

As 'the sister-in-law that lives closest' which makes it 'easiest' for me to be the one that shoulders the majority of care, I would like to point out that visits from more distant relatives are essential to my mental health. Being 'the closest' doesn't mean that I don't need the occasional day off from being on-call. The one-day-a-week visit, under normal circumstances, is probably really appreciated. But in a crisis, when hospital visiting takes up much more time and effort than being occasionally on call, your DH's siblings deserved a lot more support than they were getting from him. Not even touching on the fact that his mother was asking to see him, his siblings deserved his support. As I mentioned earlier, but you've avoided acknowledging, forcing his siblings to use their time in this way is stealing their time in order to use his own time how he likes. Why does he think his time is more important, more valuable than their time? If this happens again, he needs to take off his blinkers, and acknowledge that he needs to step up to support his siblings, and, as long as he doesn't do that they will (rightly) be angry and resentful.

I completely agree.

My mother was the closest daughter for her parents and got all the housework to do. Her brother living in the same town did the garden once a week.

Another sister lived 15 miles away and would go to my grandparents once a week for tea, taking her family with her. In the end, Mum invited the sister to come to ours for tea after the visit, because too much work was being made for my grandmother.

One time the sister arrived at my grandparents as Mum was beating carpets out the back. "I'd give you a hand, but I'm wearing my good clothes."

The sister who stepped up was the one who lived furthest away. Once a year, she and her husband would come up for 'a holiday' and would take on the housework and gardening, etc for the week to give Mum a break. (They had to take a train. At that time, not many working class people had cars.)

@SarzWix I am the default daily visit sibling for our elderly DM. Have to plan every day accordingly, can never be spontaneous and go out for the day. I am the one who has to work around appointments etc. Am the one who has to ensure she has everything she needs during the week, sort out any problems she may have, sort her medication (so many conversations with pharmacy about missing or out of stock medication). It is relentless. I am broken mentally. Any minor issue can reduce me to tears. So if SIL is like me when her DM ended up in hospital I would be expecting other siblings to step up, even if they carry on with their weekly visit., because SIL may be running on empty

He actually does more hours per week as he’s there’s a full day SIL pops in for no more than an hour each day so there’s no stealing of anyone’s time.

You think a daily commitment is easier than a weekly one?

Would you rather have your day disrupted and have to work around one hour a day, everyday or do all your work on one day and the rest of your week be your own.

You both should be embarrassed

If you have kids, they are watching and learning how you both treat people.
Good luck in your old age

You both should be embarrassed

If you have kids, they are watching and learning how you both treat people.
Good luck in your old age

@sabotaginglizard who is the sibling who has to act if they notice if anything is wrong, organises appointments, who has that main responsibility? Because that responsibility is a heavy one

Their kids are watching their dad give up a day every weekend (sometimes the only day that he has off in the week) to drive for four hours to help his mum.

If they're going to think anything negative about him, it's not going to be about a lack of care for his mum. But it might be that they feel second to his mum, especially when he's on a six day working week, and doesn't spend any of his day off with them.

You are not listening to anyone else.

Lots of people can be impacted by this and you are choosing to be entirely selfish.

Astounding.

More likely due to the lack of contact/relationship he is encouraging between his DC and his DM.

He's opting to keep his two families separate.

But this was never your question was it? Regardless of the one day a week he normally spends with his mum, which is lovely but I do agree its a lot given you have kids unless she is very fragile, your question was whether it was reasonable not to visit his Mum in hospital - two totally different points.

OP and the kids go every 4-6 weeks. That's pretty normal for family who live two hours away from each other, in my experience.

This guy has made one mistake (and I agree it was a mistake) in not getting time off from work to go to the hospital.
But the vast majority of posters are entirely ignoring what he does do for his mum, responding as though he's the devil incarnate, and actively looking for more things to criticise him for. It's madness.

While I don't agree with the OP's husband not visiting his mum in hospital the entire time. I completely disagree with this.

It's HIS mum, not hers. HE is unwilling to visit her. OP is trying to better herself to provide for her children and that should absolutely NOT have taken a backseat to pick up his slack which was entirely down to his REFUSAL to go, not his inability.

I live near both my mum and in-laws so don't have the same perspective as see them all frequently.

And whilst every 4-6 weeks might be normal if you have to travel. The difference is he is doing it EVERY week anyway. That's what I can't understand. Even if the OP didn't want to see her in-laws surely to get a relationship between grandma/grandchildren it's worth more of an effort than 8 visits a year.

OP could work that day each week or use it to study rather than trying to juggle those activities in the evenings.

But this really is nit picking.

People on this thread have taken against OP and (especially) her DH in a very extreme knee-jerk way. And so are looking for any reason at all to criticise, while simultaneously refusing to acknowledge the unusual amount of support DH gives his (until recently) perfectly healthy 67 year old mother.

I've massively over posted in this thread, but it's because it's just so weird, and people are refusing to take a balanced view.