AIBU to think DH is reasonable not visiting MIL daily in hospital?

[sabotaginglizard]

MIL is unwell (pneumonia) and in hospital on a standard ward. Other patients there have a variety of illnesses it seems to be a general rather than pneumonia ward. So some may have contagious illnesses.

DH is getting pressure to visit daily. He saw her the day before she was admitted and plans to see her when she’s home - BIL and SIL are really getting annoyed about this. We have young dc and don’t want to get ill. They are saying DH is not helping and that MIL wants to see him. Hes messaged her and called her and said he will see her when she’s home ? AIBU to think hes being perfectly reasonable and sensible ?

Most people would absolutely change their schedule to see their sick relative in hospital.

OP if you come back to this thread, I’d think very carefully about what old age married to this man will look like, and certainly what it would be like if you got seriously sick.

That he discouraged you from staying in hospital after having your DC because he doesn’t like hospitals, not because he felt being home would be best for you /his newborn, is a massive red flag.

His refusal to visit his mother in hospital for a week is another red flag.

Many men divorce their wives at the point their wife gets cancer /serious illness.

This is not a man who’d be at your side taking care of you and joining you at appointments is it?

That you think it’s ok for your dh to not visit his mother in hospital is a bit of a worry he’s conditioned you to think his comfort and wellbeing is more important than anyone else’s.

You can’t rely on this man to be there for you or care for you. (Although I bet he’d expect to be looked after if he was in hospital because he’s extra stressed by being in hospital so should get extra care). I’d not want to still be married to him in old age.

Yes they would and the OP's DH obviously does not want to. I don't think shaming people into doing stuff works, long term. They need to feel comfortable within themselves. Obviously this may impact their relationships but it's an individual decision.

Massively unreasonable - my elderly mother has been in hospital numerous times, seriously ill and doctors have not expected her to pull through. Every single time it’s my sister and I taking turns to visit her to make sure someone is there every day, our brother has not visited her once, not once! It’s caused a great divide between us and a lot of anger. We both work full time and have families of our own; but we do it as she is our mother and it’s the least she deserves. She deserves to know we care and will be there for her. If he visited twice a week it would make things so much easier for us, but it’s too much for him.
your “dear” husband is incredibly selfish and should be ashamed of himself

He should absolutely feel ashamed. Good thing she's getting discharged on his 'schedule' or he probably wouldn't have bothered turning up to drive her home either.

he had better pull his finger out today!

Most likely it Is your and DH’s emotional intelligence that is the issue not your intellectual intelligence. They’re two very different things.

You get one mum. That's it. Just one.

@HoraceCope I think it might be a shock for him if he has never had to deal with a hospital discharge before especially if medication is needed

I don't blame her for responding to some of these aggressive comments. I can't believe everyone hurling abuse at OP has actually read all her posts. To summarise:

MIL is 67 and reasonably fit

She has responded well to treatment and is about to be discharged

DH makes weekly visits to her and saw her last Sunday. He visits her weekly, takes her out, takes her shopping, does her garden, helps with DIY

It is difficult for him to take time off work, and the hospital is a 3-hour drive there and back

Siblings, who live much closer, have visited her in hospital daily

He has messaged her and called her through the week

DH has hospital phobia and the DC have been constantly ill this year

MIL is on a general ward with many infectious diseases

MIL is anti-vax, did not vaccinate DH as a child, and brought him up to be wary of medicine and medical environments, to the point where he does not seek medical attention for himself

She is due to be discharged today, so he plans to see her at home as usual

🤷🏼‍♀️ ?

@Beachtastic you have missed out MIL wanting to see him and siblings wanting a break.

I have read all of the OP’s posts and your summary doesn’t change my opinion in the slightest. I still think her husband is despicable not to have visited his mother at least once during her time in hospital, and I think it’s very poor of the OP not to have visited either.

What a heartless man. He should obviously visit his mother as often as possible.

Sounds about right!

Shaming is generally ineffective and counter-productive for long-term behavioral change, often causing individuals to withdraw, shut down, or become defensive rather than changing. While it may temporarily force compliance, shame triggers self-protection over problem-solving, causing social anxiety, depression, and long-term resistance.

Key findings on why shaming fails to produce lasting positive change:

• Self-Protection Over Change: Shaming causes the brain to shut down and go into self-protection mode, avoiding the issue instead of fixing it.
• Internalization of Worthlessness: Unlike guilt, which focuses on a specific action ("I did something bad"), shame makes the person feel unworthy ("I am bad"), which leads to retreat and reduced behavioral change.
• Counterproductive Consequences: It commonly leads to aggression, avoidance, and emotional damage rather than positive behavioral shifts.
• Lack of Long-Term Results: Shaming does not effectively motivate long-term positive change and can make it harder for individuals to act.
• Backfire Risk: In many scenarios, shaming causes the unwanted behavior to persist or increase, such as in instances of public health stigma.

For sustainable, long-term behavior change, strategies focusing on positive reinforcement and intrinsic motivation are more effective than shame

op is not her dh keeper

Out of curiosity, given the rigidity of his regime, do you think he would visit you or the children if you were in hospital?

Indeed. God forbid the OP ever ends up in hospital and her "D"H can't visit as it doesn't suit his strict schedule.

It's incredibly unlikely that she is on a ward full of people who are infectious and are allowed to be knowingly exposed to other patients and their visitors.

When my son was in hospital, if he so much as had a suspected cold, he'd be in an isolation room for a minimum of so many days per hospital policy.

Horrible. 100% should be encouraged to go and visit. What goes around comes around! Thats his MUM. How is this even a question? I used to do a 50 mile round trip EVERY day in the evenings, after DC bedtime, after working half the day, to see my Dad when he was admitted with an ailment similair to pneumonia

This. I live by my routines and the slightest change stresses me out pretty badly.

However, when relatives have been poorly or in hospital, you have to just to throw all your normal schedule out of the window - whether it makes you uncomfortable or not. It's not about you.

Did he go today OP?

Your DH is awful.

My mum was recently in hospital. i work full time and have 3 horses on DIY livery that i have to do twice a day, regardless. i still managed to see my mum every evening. if she had been 1.5 hours away, i'd have paid someone to do my horses and then driven there at least ever other evening still. Incredible that he hasn't seen her once, what an uncaring man.

Complete and utter cop out.

Oh well, she's not worth visiting then

Yes he left at 6 am to go to her house to clean, change bedding and get her a food shop in then he went to the hospital