AIBU to think DH is reasonable not visiting MIL daily in hospital?

[sabotaginglizard]

MIL is unwell (pneumonia) and in hospital on a standard ward. Other patients there have a variety of illnesses it seems to be a general rather than pneumonia ward. So some may have contagious illnesses.

DH is getting pressure to visit daily. He saw her the day before she was admitted and plans to see her when she’s home - BIL and SIL are really getting annoyed about this. We have young dc and don’t want to get ill. They are saying DH is not helping and that MIL wants to see him. Hes messaged her and called her and said he will see her when she’s home ? AIBU to think hes being perfectly reasonable and sensible ?

Caring to your own timetable isn’t all that caring.

she didn’t just need support on the one Monday he felt like going. She (and his siblings) needed support last week, they will probably need some this week to the op and her husband aren’t willing to put themselves out slightly to help people they are meant to love!

Not acutely ill, just had 'a bit' of pneumonia!?

That's fine, he could have (and should have) gone on an evening after work. It's likely to take weeks or months to get her energy back and he should be popping over midweek at least this week, to see how she's doing.

His behaviour (and yours tbh) is ridiculously rigid. At least she recovered this time, let it be a wake up call that there'll be more admissions in the future and he really should be showing up more.

This is exactly it. What he's doing is not caring. It's salving his own conscience. Doing enough to convince himself it's ok and leaving his siblings to pick up most of the work. It's despicable behaviour.

Is he working Friday? Why can't he go after work one day this week? As I said on a previous post he could head off after work, be there early evening, stay an hour or so and be back for bedtime.

Surely most bosses would be willing for someone to head off an hour early to see their sick mother (especially when she was in hospital), if he shortens a few lunch breaks or comes in an hour early.

I know you can't do it in all jobs, but even if he didn't leave till 6, he'd have got to the hospital at half 7, well within normal evening visiting times! Back by 10:00 p.m.

Because I work some evenings and study others

Every evening?
And you wouldn't skip studying for one night so your husband could see his ill mother in hospital?

It's not just your husband that has his priorities all mixed up here.

She’s home now and ok. He’s going on Sunday as that’s his only day off

Yes, fortunately she pulled through, but she'll still need support and this issue is likely to come up again in the future.

Why can't he go in the evening after work? I can't imagine you work or study 7 nights a week?

Just because she's fine now, doesn't mean his neglect was ok.

Having read this thread through I have changed my opinion. I do not think that you are being unreasonable OP.

The OP's MIL is reaping what she has sown I am afraid. The DH obviously has some kind of phobia and aversion to hospitals which was probably created by his mother. She was in for a week, was not in danger, had plenty of visits and he phoned daily. It sounds as if he does lots for his mother in general, but is bound by very rigid thinking and behaviour. He can obviously go to hospital if necessary as he has been with his Dc.

People in general cannot cope with behaviour at all out of the ordinary as evidenced by the attacks on the OP and her husband on this thread. Now it will all be about how much he visits her. Maybe she doesn't like a lot of fuss, I wouldn't.

I don’t understand this when my nans sister was poorly we were all there by her side when my nan was poorly before she passed away we all were there. I couldn’t imagine not being there for my own mother and giving every excuse in the book. My mother would come first over any studying etc.

Does he only have one day off a week @sabotaginglizard

He is doing as much as he feels personally comfortable with. He does help her but he has set his own boundaries for reasons he hasn’t even fully explained to me as I think he has some things he’s not saying.

It depends on his shifts but it’s usually 2 days off every other week

Your study needs to take a back seat right now. You sound as inflexible as he is.

DH is self employed. If he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get any money. We still went to see his mother two days a week, a seven hour drive away, every week for the last three months of her life in hospital/rehab care homes.

He commuted into London for thirty years every working day of the week (fifteen years in my case, before and after children), in a four hour commute there and back, before Covid - so to us, a four hour return journey is a normal every day event!

He is ND, but got a degree and qualified as a professional. He likes his routine; but accepts our routine often goes out of the window due to the demands of caring for two adult disabled DDs. We only work part time now, being over retirement age. We are driving for seven hours tomorrow, to bring DD1 home for Easter, then we will take her back next Wednesday on another seven hour drive.

Yet he normally goes up weekly,
he is very rigid

But does your DH?

It's a four hour return journey.

He sees her once a week for a whole day and has done for years. He IS helping her as much as HE chooses to. She is feeling much better just tired and has SIL just 5 mins away if she needs company or there’s an emergency.

Yes it is. Gold star for you!

You just aren't listening to anyone are you? His mum is ill, she needs support and he is one of the people who should be giving that. She's just come out of hospital!

What he is choosing to do is be selfish and uncaring and wedded to his ridiculous routine.

He helps as much as he feels he can. Every family situation is different some families are closer than others , some are NC, some, like dh and his mum have differing levels of contact. There’s nothing wrong with that and he actually does a lot for her. She isn’t ill she was ill and is now recovering.

I'd be concerned if I had married someone that will only spare the set time each week for their mother after a week in hospital when he couldn't/wouldn't visit.

I hope his siblings are happy picking up the slack when their mother is ill.

I hope you treat your own family with more compassion.