AIBU to think DH is reasonable not visiting MIL daily in hospital?

[sabotaginglizard]

MIL is unwell (pneumonia) and in hospital on a standard ward. Other patients there have a variety of illnesses it seems to be a general rather than pneumonia ward. So some may have contagious illnesses.

DH is getting pressure to visit daily. He saw her the day before she was admitted and plans to see her when she’s home - BIL and SIL are really getting annoyed about this. We have young dc and don’t want to get ill. They are saying DH is not helping and that MIL wants to see him. Hes messaged her and called her and said he will see her when she’s home ? AIBU to think hes being perfectly reasonable and sensible ?

@Rosemariebear that is shit

Yup, I live in the over populated South East and our local hospital is sooo busy!

When you or your husband are older ill and in hospital and your child refuses to visit, then you'll understand how selfish and uncaring the decision. Honestly, the pair of you need to get over yourselves.

So I guess you'd be subject to the same treatment if you ever get ill and need to be in hospital. How do you feel about that?

@sabotaginglizard how is your MIL, did she get discharged yesterday?

Yes they were back at hers by 2 pm apparently it went well dh picked her up from the discharge lounge when all the paperwork had been done. She already had her medication with her so they didn’t have to go to the pharmacy. He made her dinner and then came home around 930pm and he’s going to see her on Easter Sunday. He said she seemed ok just said she was very tired.

So you are leaving her with no care for the week and that sits well with you?

I hope your poor MIL has someone popping in to check on her frequently now she is home. I really can't believe your DH is so unconcerned by her ill health.

Yeah agree with the majority, he was very unreasonable not to visit her. If my Mam was in hospital I'd be there at every available visiting hour, at least once a day. I couldn't live with myself if I just left her there when she wanted me to visit. I'd also want to make sure she had everything she needed.

We will both be working and have no childcare so we have to just keep switching over ? Also SIL lives 5 mins from MIL so pops in daily.

Plus she doesn’t actually need ‘care’ she has no mobility or cognitive issues and can manage ok she’s not acutely ill she’s recovering but is ok just resting

If she required,"care" in order to be safe wgen home, that would have been assessed and put in place for her prior to discharge.

Op I think people are now just deliberately having a pop at you now

I cannot stand my MIL, but I would have kicked his arse if he didn’t visit his mum when she was in hospital. I honestly think this is appalling!

It can take a long time to recover from pneumonia. It's not so much needing care, ( and having had an elderly relative needing care, it doesn't always happen straight away) as having someone pop in to give a bit of help. Make sure there are essential supplies, perhaps make a light meal etc. Or just be there to provide a bit of comfort. God help us! Has it come to this, where we don't do that?

Care needs might not be so severe that care needs to be arranged, there is a void between needing no
help and needing professional paid for care.

One that generally the family would willingly help with.

As her daughter lives 5 minutes away and OPs husband lives two hours away it’s much easier for her to pop in during the week. He will be going back in a weeks time to check shopping, mow lawn etc. I think people are looking for fault now, although I did think he should have gone mid week to the hospital.

For me it's the whole thing. He didn't visit her in hospital and now it seems that now she's home the people who did visit her are being left to do the popping in too. I get that he collected her, but honestly it's just seems a bit couldn't care less from him. It's more the attitude that comes across.

Have you actually read the posts about him visiting her every week (a four hour return journey) to take her out shopping, do her garden and help with DIY?

How on earth do you get 'couldn't care less' from that? How many sons in the UK do you think are doing that? And how many DILs with small children would be happy for their husband to devote a full day of every weekend to driving up to help their mum to this extent, and leaving their wives to parent alone?

This thread has become a farce, frankly.

When a man who lives a four hour journey away is being berated for not popping in daily like his sibling who lives five minutes away, things have got ridiculous. And the siblings moaning, are being unreasonable too. Are they doing her shopping, garden and DIY, too?

The mother is only 67, and not infirm or unwell until this last illness. I'm 70, and frankly if one of my kids was travelling that far and doing all those things every week, I'd be telling them to cut down and spend more time with their kids. I certainly wouldn't be cutting them out of my will because they didn't visit me in hospital in addition to their weekly visits, as many posters have suggested.

Yes, I did read it. I still think it's mean that he didn't once visit her in hospital. As do other people. I'm 70 as well. I would be upset if my son could not be bothered to visit me in hospital, doesn't seem to think that pneumonia is a serious illness and that I'm OK because I'm home.

I think perhaps OP's husband's anxiety/phobia should be addressed so that he can attend as needed when any of his close family are in-patients in hospital now or any time in future

OK, thanks for clearing that up (and for your/PPs' kind words - yes, it was a tough time for everyone) 🤣

This made me laugh! You're really reaching for excuses not to go. People with contagious diseases are usually kept in their own rooms and isolation. H3 really should be going as much as possible. Hospitals only offer basic care and he needs to be there to make sure her needs are being met i.e. her dirty clothes are taken home to he cleaned and new ones taken to her, checking that she has snacks and reading materials, checking that she is ok and has been seen by doctor, that she is being cleaned and her bed clothes changed. He needs to take responsibility for this, or his part of the loads with his family. Having a child is not an excuse to go, unless your child or you have very specific needs that outweigh his mother's. It being inconvenient doesn't really do it.

He does not live a four hour journey away. He lives two hours away, which is the length of what used to be my regular commute to work.

I would expect him to go over after work one night this week or at the least to go on Friday, a bank holiday, rather than wait until his regular self allotted day to visit.

I get the feeling that if she dies on a wednesday he will wait till Sunday to do anything.

That's not just autistic, that's uncaring and selfish.

Not everyone gets bank holidays off work you know !!!