AIBU to think DH is reasonable not visiting MIL daily in hospital?

[sabotaginglizard]

MIL is unwell (pneumonia) and in hospital on a standard ward. Other patients there have a variety of illnesses it seems to be a general rather than pneumonia ward. So some may have contagious illnesses.

DH is getting pressure to visit daily. He saw her the day before she was admitted and plans to see her when she’s home - BIL and SIL are really getting annoyed about this. We have young dc and don’t want to get ill. They are saying DH is not helping and that MIL wants to see him. Hes messaged her and called her and said he will see her when she’s home ? AIBU to think hes being perfectly reasonable and sensible ?

I actually think a full day every week is a lot, especially as every other week it’s his one day off. He does a lot to help her.

Why did you ask if YWBU?

I think you both need to understand that people die from pneumonia. I don't know if either if you have considered that. Certain people are more likely to die than others, these are very young people, ( under 5s) people with underlying chronic health issues and people over 65. It takes quite a while for patient to actually feel completely well. Your MIL is out of hospital but she won't feel as well as she did before pneumonia for some weeks. I know she has family living nearby but really can he not go to see her to give them a break?
I don't know what else is going on here, but you both seem somewhat odd in respect of MIL and her recent illness. I do wonder what the future holds as MIL gets older.

Like I said, you just aren't listening.

My mil has never fully recovered from it. It's very serious. And I did a four hour round trip to visit her in hospital a couple of times a week.

Generally yes it might be a lot of time to spend away from you and his DC, but once a week seeing a parent isn't a lot. Does he see his siblings and their family at the same time? Or no relationship there either?

You've already said you don't all go - maybe only every 6 weeks. You could.visit as a family, or invite her to visit you. It can't be that much of a problem for you him being there for a day otherwise you'd do it differently.

Point stands though she was IN hospital for a week and he couldn't be arsed to go and visit. And now he has he won't go again to check she's recovering ok and leaves it to his siblings to support her recovery.

Would you act differently for your family?

I know that I'm projecting here, but I have dreadful memories of dealing with everything because DH's adult children and grandchild lived in England rather than Scotland. I was too timid to ask them to step up, but I wish that they'd visited when DH was in hospital. (They weren't hard up and it would have been manageable. One of them retired before the age of 50 and money wasn't a problem.)

I've already mentioned the open-heart surgery. When he was later in hospital for 4 months following a stroke, he did get one half hour visit from his son.

If there had been a bit more care shown, it would have meant so much to my husband and it would have helped me a great deal: by the time DH had his stroke, my father was gone, but I was working full-time and dealing with Mum's dementia too.

It was made pretty clear that I was expected to get on with it because I was here (of course) and because I was 'healthy'. In actual fact, I was just about on my knees.

I'm assuming that if the OP's SIL had to ask her sibling to step up she must be at the end of her tether.

I'll just add that my husband's children would no doubt have said at various points that he wasn't ill but recovering, when in actual fact he was a frail elderly man.

The closest that I got to asking for help was when I phoned the daughter to tell her that I was waiting for test results and that her father would need care if anything happened to me (in the sense that someone would have to advocate for him). Her response was "You're not thinking of leaving him are you?"

When I got the all-clear, I phoned to let her know but emphasised that he'd need help if I went before him. Her response was "But you're all right, aren't you?"

I keep thinking that that is the attitude that I see on many threads on here: if one adult child lives near the parent, the thinking is that they can manage because "they're all right". If they're asking for help, then they clearly are not all right.

I'll add that my husband quickly went from someone who was engaged in sports and martial arts to needing me to help him with showering and putting his clothes on in the morning.

His children just seemed to latch onto the fact that he had learned to walk again and ignored it when, for example, he commented that he could no longer put on his socks himself or when I had to cut up his dinner for him. He was compos mentis, therefore he was "fine".

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

You can think whatever you like , every family has different dynamics. I posted as usually I see quite a balanced view on not helping elderly parents more than a person can cope with on here.

You posted because MIL was ill in hospital, with an illness that can kill. The original question was whether it was reasonable that he didn't visit her. Most people thought it unreasonable that he didn't make the effort to visit once.
I'm surprised that you think it's OK for him to not make the effort.

Yes that was the original issue and now I’m being criticised for his level of help after she has been discharged and going forwards

I can’t believe some of responses you are getting on here OP.

I have 4 brothers and when my Mother was alive none of them visited her on a weekly basis, and they lived nearer than you do to your MIL

A couple of them rang her regularly but she was lucky to get a visit once a month! Every week is a lot to visit when you work full time and have your own family.

Yes, because it takes a long time for a person who has had pneumonia to feel well again. I have a family member who had pneumonia at a younger age than your MIL, it took weeks before she was fit. She felt tired for a considerable while, any efforts to do normal tasks wiped her out. I hope your MIL recovers soon but her family needs to think about how to help her for some while.
I really wonder if you understand what could have happened.

There is a difference between need and moral responsibility

I didn’t agree with the not attending hospital at all, but I strongly agree with knowing your own boundaries and staying within them - and he does a lot generally so it’s hardly nothing.

A tip I once had with caring was to assess what you think you are capable of doing and then halve it - turned out that was accurate.

Everyone’s capabilities for a million reasons are different - I could never have done half of what some do for their parents - but I did more than some others may do.

It’s for him to know, to do and to make his peace with - it’s not easy helping to care.

Take care of yourselves as well.

@sabotaginglizard how much parenting does he do if some weeks on his one day off he spends it with his mum. Is that part of his rigid schedule? Has he always done this, even before DC came along?

For me, there seems to be a weird imbalance. Won't see her when she is ill in hospital, spends more time with her than his wife and DC on his one day off.

Parenting and household things are shared equally as we basically have most of the week where he gets in and I leave to work some evenings etc so it’s a lot of juggling with not much time ‘off’. The weeks he has 2 days off we do try to take the dc out together or do something.

I wonder how many women on this thread do a four hour return journey to see their (until now, perfectly healthy) mid 60s mum every week, to take her shopping and do her household tasks.

And I wonder how many would tell a woman with small children that she should do this every week, when when she has multiple siblings living a few minutes away from her mum.

Judging from all the men I know, dedicating a whole day a week to their mother is actually a lot. Most women too. Crack on OP your DH sounds fine, good even.

I spent nearly two weeks in hospital with pneumonia at fourteen. Good thing I was a healthy teenager.

I do think at that distance once a week for a whole day is quite a lot really, she isn't especially old and he has family and work commitments etc.

However, not changing that to visit when is hospital is the odd thing, you just never know how things will go and it can be very scary for patients so the extra visits from family can really make a difference.

Agreed

This

Sandwich carers do:

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2024/oct/13/guilt-worry-resentment-its-all-part-of-the-sandwich-generation?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

This article said there were 6 million sandwich carers, and while they didn’t give a split between men and women, the article did go onto suggest there were by default more women caring, than men.

We were sandwich carers for elderly MIL, our grown up disabled DC and DGC (one of whom is disabled).

That sounds tough. I was a sandwich carer myself, when my mum had her massively disabling stroke in the same week that my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

But I was 90+ minutes away from her and my brother fifteen minutes, so bless him, he stepped up. I went up when I could, but he was constantly telling me that I should stay home with my husband and children, and that he was okay managing things.

But apart from this hospital stay, OP's mother in law has been a reasonably healthy 67 year old, so I don't think the sandwich carer thing is relevant here. He does that four hour journey every week just for general support. And he has two siblings up there who one would hope would be involved. I think that level of commitment is very unusual for either sex.