AIBU to think DH is reasonable not visiting MIL daily in hospital?

[sabotaginglizard]

MIL is unwell (pneumonia) and in hospital on a standard ward. Other patients there have a variety of illnesses it seems to be a general rather than pneumonia ward. So some may have contagious illnesses.

DH is getting pressure to visit daily. He saw her the day before she was admitted and plans to see her when she’s home - BIL and SIL are really getting annoyed about this. We have young dc and don’t want to get ill. They are saying DH is not helping and that MIL wants to see him. Hes messaged her and called her and said he will see her when she’s home ? AIBU to think hes being perfectly reasonable and sensible ?

I haven’t heard from him since he said he will be back late probably as wants to make sure she’s settled back home ok

IME men are more pragmatic than emotional. This sounds as though it serves her needs very well. She wasn't at death's door this week, had plenty of visitors and he was in touch with her constantly.

She had plenty of visitors because his siblings did his share.

Well, yes, they live close by. He doesn't.

@Beachtastic he’s not that far away though. Not much more than daily commute for some people. Actually closer than her house

He could have managed one visit.

We don’t know whether siblings work, have other caring duties, young DC. Even though they live closer they might have other commitments they would need to juggle

So it would’ve been fair for out of seven days, he did one of them?

But couldn’t make the effort to see her, let others pick ip
the slack?

OP - I would spend some time thinking, and possibly talking to you DH about what would happen if you got sick.

While shame doesn’t work, pretending unreasonable, heartless behaviour is ok so someone is able to pretend to themselves they haven’t done anything wrong also doesn’t work, if your long term goal is to get them to face up to a phobia that has significant negative effects on other members of their family.

He rushed you out of hospital when you had your babies because the hospital made him uncomfortable. That’s so unloving.

And rightly so there should be..he's so lucky to still have his Mum to visit..good god what a pair you both are,we have a young so using the child as an excuse,you should be ashamed of yourselves..his poor mother wanting to see him and he's rang occasionally and sent a message,Son of the year there ..he should hang his head in shame and you're no better either..

I picked up the slack for my siblings when mum was in hospital with pneumonia. I didn't mind - we all have different ways of dealing with things, and mine was to be with her 24/7. I didn't think of it as them not making the effort, I saw it as each of us responding as best we could.

Pneumonia is a very serious illness. How would you like it if you were ill and your kids didn't visit. Stop being so selfish.
You only get one mum.
My mum died of Pneumonia

Twenty years down the line, when your DIL posts on Mumsnet to say you've got pneumonia and have been in hospital for a week (but you're not really unwell), and your DS can't be arsed to visit but she doesn't seem to see any issues with this, it will be interesting to see how unreasonable you think that is.

So you stay 24 hours, presumably because your DM was seriously ill……her other children nothing? It really doesn’t matter how you felt, or they felt, it’s about how your mother felt. In this situation the DM is asking to see him.

I think you’ve missed the point of what everyone’s saying, the DM is asking and the OPs husband is being selfish.

@Beachtastic so what did your siblings do? Were you juggling work etc?

Did your DM ask to see your siblings?

Just to be clear
He sees his mum once a week
The fact that she was in hospital with pneumonia didn't change that
The fact that she was asking to see him didn't change that
The fact that his siblings (who may have other responsibilities for all we know) were asking for his help didn't change that.
He's quite the catch isn't he?
I love how you've pointed out that he left at 6am and won't be back till late as if that makes a difference.
It doesn't

Anyone contagious would not be on a ward with others. Yes he should see his bloody mother every day while she's ill

OP has said that her DH's mum distrusted conventional medicine, including refusing vaccinations for her children and not trusting GPs and hospitals, and her DH has obviously taken this on board from childhood.

He makes a 3 hour round trip every week to see his mum in her home so isn't normally neglectful so it is more likely that his refusal to visit her in hospital is linked to his family's avoidance of doctors and hospitals.

No, she was dying and unable to speak.

They came when they could. And did other things that were of value.

Yes, I was juggling work. More than them, actually!

But I don't project my own situation onto the one described here. OP's MIL was not dying, was being discharged shortly, had plenty of visitors, and DH was in touch with her constantly. What he's doing today is just as good as a flying visit midweek, in fact probably more helpful.

@Beachtastic but both MIL and siblings were asking him for help/to visit

His original plan was to see her at home after she was discharged. Probably due to some of the comments on here he has gone to sort out the house and help with discharge. He maybe shocked to find she needs some aftercare when home, it won’t be business as usual

No it’s not! It’s not what his mother or siblings wanted or needed.

Its just him looking out for himself and being selfish and lazy.

OP please remember this at some point in the future when you are unwell and admitted to hospital.

Nope - His phobia may explain his behaviour, it doesn’t make it any less unacceptable.

It doesn’t change that the OP knows she can’t rely on him if she gets sick.

Understanding why someone behaves badly does not make their behaviour ok.

His plan was always to go today. Nothing in this thread has influenced that. He does that four hour return journey every Sunday or Monday, and given that he already does loads for his mum on those weekly visits, I very much doubt he's going to be shocked at anything he had to do today.

@saraclara his original plan was to see her at home after discharge, so I presume he could avoid hospital. If discharge is anything like I have been involved in, it won’t be a quick 5 minutes. Never gone to time when I have been involved with one. Might be quick to kick them out of the bed but not to sign off the paperwork

Yes my husband and I sat with my mum from 4pm to 8:30pm waiting to take her home
but they didn’t get the paperwork done in time and we had to go back again the next day!