AIBU to think DH is reasonable not visiting MIL daily in hospital?

[sabotaginglizard]

MIL is unwell (pneumonia) and in hospital on a standard ward. Other patients there have a variety of illnesses it seems to be a general rather than pneumonia ward. So some may have contagious illnesses.

DH is getting pressure to visit daily. He saw her the day before she was admitted and plans to see her when she’s home - BIL and SIL are really getting annoyed about this. We have young dc and don’t want to get ill. They are saying DH is not helping and that MIL wants to see him. Hes messaged her and called her and said he will see her when she’s home ? AIBU to think hes being perfectly reasonable and sensible ?

Yabu. Perhaps not daily but every other day is reasonable. Infectious diseases are not deal@ with in shared bays

That's awful of him. I would never be qoth someone who would treat their mother like that as that's how they'd treat me and raise our kids to behave.

A friend died from pneumonia and they weren’t in the elderly category.

If you live nearby and she has been in hospital a week that is very poor for your DH not to go and see her. If she has been surrounded by contagious diseases she may be carrying one, is he going to refuse to see her until she has been quarantined. He could only be excused if you have a seriously ill child at home and have to be very careful. And that would be a big drip feed

Unless the hospital is in another country, he should have visited at least once. Last time my mother was in hospital for a week I visited 3 times, a 400 mile round trip each time. I

Who’s the pressure coming from?

I’ve just been on a thread about allowing people to die earlier and the endless burden of caring for long strings of elderly people over potentially decades, so it may be that he just can’t do yet another admission.

But yes, in general, no visits at all is a bit extreme. Who is laundering her clothes btw? Ward teams tend not to talk about this but either she is in hospital gowns and slipper socks all the time, which isn’t great for dignity, mood and delirium prevention, or she’s got one set of clothes with her which were dirty a long time ago.

I do get the balancing of multiple responsibilities though. He has to do what he can live with.

I think because we’ve just both got fed up with the dc being constantly ill so far this year dh especially as he’s had to take a lot of time off already and he really hates hospitals, youngest dc has been in twice since Jan with croup type illnesses and he just said he didn’t want to risk it , I agreed but said obviously if he wanted to we could try to minimise risks but he said if she was really unwell he would but she’s recovering and likely to be discharged tomorrow so he made the decision not to. The hospital is 1.5 hours away.

Why do YOU think he’s behaving reasonably OP?
I think opting out of visiting his poorly mum in hospital sucks
his siblings are right to be angry
is he usually selfish and uncaring?

Shocking he hasn't been already.

When my mum was in hosptial the two of us close by did the daily visits but the sibling 5 hours away managed visits most weeks. To not visit once is unfair on mum and the others.

I just came to say this!

@sabotaginglizard

If this is his/your attitude to his own mum being ill, what do you think is in your future if you ever get ill?

I think it's pretty shocking that your husband hasn't visited his mother who's been in hospital for a week. I can understand that daily visits might be tricky but not to visit at all reflects very badly on him.

Who likes hospitals?!

His poor Mum. You two sound incredibly self-absorbed and selfish. If I were his siblings, I don't think I could get past this.

My dad died in hospital of pneumonia. This was at the end of Covid and we - as a family, were only allowed 1 x 1 hour slot each day, so had to take it in turns. It was awful, so I can’t imagine not visiting him at all out of choice. Vile. I’m glad you and your selfish husband aren’t my family.

I feel sad for her that he hasn’t visited her since last Monday

Pretty awful 😞

How far away are you from the hospital? If it’s local there are no excuses.

People in hospital generally need a bit of support - taking away dirty laundry & bringing in fresh, perhaps some nice food or drink, a word with the nursing/medical staff to see what’s really going on, bringing in a book to pass the time……

I’d be really pissed off with so little care, empathy & understanding. Pretty selfish behaviour not to visit.

How would you feel OP if it was you in hospital, and he didn’t visit you?

Unless there is a very good reason?

You're massively misjudging this, OP.

Absolutely BS.

I get mot going everyday, but this is just ridiculous. Your husband needs to man up

You are being extremely disingenuous to frame this as "not visiting her everyday" when the reality is he hasn't visited her AT ALL.

Still, it sounds like she and his brother and SiL have probably got the measure of him now.

I wouldn't expect him to visit everyday but I would expect MIL to have visitors everyday and for those visits to be coordinated with BIL and SIL so unless he has a bad or strained relationship with his mother I think he has been very unreasonable.

There is a big difference between visiting daily and not visiting at all. Gosh I would be so upset if I went to hospital and my family members deemed it not worth visiting at all. She's been in hospital nearly a week!

You are acting dreadfully. I have young DC and not a great relationship with my MIL but I can’t imagine encouraging DH to not visit his ill mum while she’s in hospital. Shame on you. What an embarrassing and lame reason for not visiting either. Presumably your kids go to nursery/school/softplay/supermarkets where there are multiple bugs and germs flying about. They may even interact with other adults that actually visit their own relatives in hospital. Send your DH to the hospital immediately with a massive bunch of flowers and tell him to apologise profusely for being such a selfish prick.

I agree. I can’t imagine not having visited my mum every day when she was in hospital. She was admitted to a hospital an hour’s drive away in mid December 2021 during one of the lockdowns but I visited every day For two months, did a covid test and wore a mask for every visit, until she contracted Covid and was moved to an isolation ward. It never occurred to me not to visit my own mother because I didn’t want to risk making my family ill! I think your husband should be ashamed, OP.

I've had young children who were constantly ill, in and out of hospital and barely in nursery as they just got ill again.

It would still have taken wild horses to stop me visiting my mother in hospital. Your DH and you should be ashamed of yourselves.