Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to resent friend on UC living better than us?

402 replies

Sunshineandrainbows123 · 28/03/2026 16:54

I know I am being unreasonable but just need to rant and I’m aware that perception is different to reality. I’ve worked hard all my life, since I was 14, paid my way through uni to get a decent qualification and job at the end of it all. I bought a house with my partner but as with so many of us I feel like I can’t rub 2 pennies together. Meanwhile a close friend claims universal benefits, has minimum 4 holidays a year, 2-3 abroad, gets regular beauty treatments, a new car and is able to regularly take her children to the cinema, days out and buy them new clothes, trainers and toys. I feel like I took the wrong path sometimes - she doesn’t have to pay rent for the home they live in, or school lunches for her kids, there are so many discounts and opportunities afforded to those on UC that working families don’t get. I don’t know if it’s better to distance myself. I know I need to probably give my head a wobble.

OP posts:
ByBreezyUser · 29/03/2026 19:36

Why shouldn't people with kids on low incomes be lifted out of poverty. I'm single and before I was disabled I got next to nothing - do I resent families who need support support? No. Would people rather kids go hungry?

KmcK87 · 29/03/2026 19:40

ByBreezyUser · 29/03/2026 18:58

People don't just get giving up work - if they do they risk a sanction. How can someone pay child support if they don't have their kids? Sorry - that is horse shit

Edited

When your children receive a disability benefit you can give up work with no sanctions

youalright · 29/03/2026 19:41

NotChained · 29/03/2026 18:55

Some people know how to play the system unfortunately. I know someone who gave up work as they were better off on benefits unfortunately. She has claimed she has mental health issues. She doesn't have her children as she isn't fit to have them but to support her, her ex has to pay her csa and she's that mental she's got the system fooled. The only way he can dispute it is going to court which he can't afford. She has been given a nice four bed detached house in a nice area. She gets 3k a month, (plus this housing free) in child benefits, uc, csa and dla. She's just got herself a nice new car too. So it does happen.

But its not true is it, a single adult obviously doesn't get csa or child benefit. A single adult wouldn't get given a 4 bedroom house and adults don't claim dla its pip after 16. Are you not even a little bit embarrassed about how stupid you sound

KmcK87 · 29/03/2026 19:44

youalright · 29/03/2026 19:41

But its not true is it, a single adult obviously doesn't get csa or child benefit. A single adult wouldn't get given a 4 bedroom house and adults don't claim dla its pip after 16. Are you not even a little bit embarrassed about how stupid you sound

She’s clearly still claiming for the children when they don’t live with her. It can be done, my own mother done it for years while my brothers stayed with my grandmother, both of them claiming the tax credits and when it came to light it was my gran they went after for the money. People do know how to claim the system, I’ve grew up with parents who did and still do. I don’t know why we’re pretending it doesn’t happen, it does and it’s quite common.

youalright · 29/03/2026 19:46

I swear some people on this site pray that their children will get in a horrific accident or get an illness that will make them severely disabled. Some of you sound so jealous of people with severely disabled children. Is it the dream to be changing your 14 year old sons nappy.

ForWittyTealOP · 29/03/2026 19:46

Biggles27 · 29/03/2026 18:58

Actually no. I believe in having benefits. I believe rent cap at housing association levels is wrong and should be capped at average rent for the area. I believe in mobility scheme.

Why complain about people who use the motability scheme then? Why provide them as examples of what's wrong in society?

NotChained · 29/03/2026 19:47

ByBreezyUser · 29/03/2026 18:58

People don't just get giving up work - if they do they risk a sanction. How can someone pay child support if they don't have their kids? Sorry - that is horse shit

Edited

@ByBreezyUser sorry I didn't realise you had more details than me about this to call it "horse shit". You have no idea how scared he is of her, he is terrified she will stop him seeing the kids especially after she has already kidnapped them before. He has already spoken to child benefit and child support and unless he goes and appears in person they won't do anything. He can't even take pictures with time stamps to prove the kids are at his on a night.

youalright · 29/03/2026 19:48

KmcK87 · 29/03/2026 19:44

She’s clearly still claiming for the children when they don’t live with her. It can be done, my own mother done it for years while my brothers stayed with my grandmother, both of them claiming the tax credits and when it came to light it was my gran they went after for the money. People do know how to claim the system, I’ve grew up with parents who did and still do. I don’t know why we’re pretending it doesn’t happen, it does and it’s quite common.

So you think her ex partner or whoever has the children happily keeps paying her and also claiming nothing for the children. Sure

ForWittyTealOP · 29/03/2026 19:49

NotChained · 29/03/2026 19:10

She is mental she is horrible. She has turned up at peoples doors threatening to petrol bomb them or to smack them in and slash their car tyres. She would make sure her ex couldn't go out and do anything or go anywhere either by showing up at his or messaging and messaging when he was away or out doing something to the point he has had to hide days off.

She has gloated she knows how to play the courts and get them on her side. The dad had full custody of the children and was offering a safe and stable home and she kidnapped them to start getting csa and benefits again, but as she has PR unless he went to court there was nothing he could do and police wouldn't get involved. She has said even if he goes to court she will just keep breaking the court orders because it will cost him every time to go back to court and "she knows she won't get punished".

She has played the system very well. I'm fully aware of the situation as I've been witness to the years worth of abuse, social services and police calls, and yes she has been given a four bed house.

I am 100% confident that 99% of people on UC are not like this but there are the odd ones who play the system very very well.

Well what? She does have her kids? She doesn't have her kids? Your story doesn't make sense. I hope nobody believes you.

ForWittyTealOP · 29/03/2026 19:50

KmcK87 · 29/03/2026 19:44

She’s clearly still claiming for the children when they don’t live with her. It can be done, my own mother done it for years while my brothers stayed with my grandmother, both of them claiming the tax credits and when it came to light it was my gran they went after for the money. People do know how to claim the system, I’ve grew up with parents who did and still do. I don’t know why we’re pretending it doesn’t happen, it does and it’s quite common.

That was obviously pre UC. Things are not the same now.

ForWittyTealOP · 29/03/2026 19:51

safetyfreak · 29/03/2026 19:16

Yes, people with kids who have disabilities get quite an income, and this includes a motability car etc.

Many frankly shouldn't be receiving extra payments for ADHD or high-functioning autism. It should really only be for the most severe children, but hey ho.

If I knew nothing about neuro divergent developmental conditions, I really would keep quiet. Ignorance adds nothing.

youalright · 29/03/2026 19:52

ForWittyTealOP · 29/03/2026 19:49

Well what? She does have her kids? She doesn't have her kids? Your story doesn't make sense. I hope nobody believes you.

I don't but there are a lot of gullible people on this thread who will. Its always the neighbours, uncles, cousins friend and they know all their medical and financial details

NotChained · 29/03/2026 19:58

youalright · 29/03/2026 19:41

But its not true is it, a single adult obviously doesn't get csa or child benefit. A single adult wouldn't get given a 4 bedroom house and adults don't claim dla its pip after 16. Are you not even a little bit embarrassed about how stupid you sound

@youalright I'm not embarrassed at all because I know the facts. Are you not embarrassed about how you speak to people? She is claiming that she had the children who are under 16 full time. He was claiming child benefit and the children were living at his full time, he wasn't claiming csa off her.

She then made a claim to child benefit the children were with her full time and csa. Her ex rang and said the children were with him full time but the onus was on him to prove it and they would not reverse him paying csa. He wasn't allowed to send photos of the children to prove they were living at his he had to go to court miles away. She also said if he stopped supporting her she would take the kids and he would never see them again. She has family that live hours away and she is a flight risk. She already kidnapped them once and he couldn't get them back. Some people unfortunately are not very nice. This will be less than 1% of people but they are out there.

So yes you can claim csa and child benefit if you don't have your children because the onus is on the other parent to go to court and prove that the other parent doesn't. If your access to your children are being used against you and you worry that you will not see them again, would you not just let it go knowing that going to court will do nothing?

ByBreezyUser · 29/03/2026 19:58

NotChained · 29/03/2026 19:47

@ByBreezyUser sorry I didn't realise you had more details than me about this to call it "horse shit". You have no idea how scared he is of her, he is terrified she will stop him seeing the kids especially after she has already kidnapped them before. He has already spoken to child benefit and child support and unless he goes and appears in person they won't do anything. He can't even take pictures with time stamps to prove the kids are at his on a night.

But you've used this example to suggest that all people on UC are on the make. I suggest you don't post to me again

ByBreezyUser · 29/03/2026 20:00

NotChained · 29/03/2026 19:58

@youalright I'm not embarrassed at all because I know the facts. Are you not embarrassed about how you speak to people? She is claiming that she had the children who are under 16 full time. He was claiming child benefit and the children were living at his full time, he wasn't claiming csa off her.

She then made a claim to child benefit the children were with her full time and csa. Her ex rang and said the children were with him full time but the onus was on him to prove it and they would not reverse him paying csa. He wasn't allowed to send photos of the children to prove they were living at his he had to go to court miles away. She also said if he stopped supporting her she would take the kids and he would never see them again. She has family that live hours away and she is a flight risk. She already kidnapped them once and he couldn't get them back. Some people unfortunately are not very nice. This will be less than 1% of people but they are out there.

So yes you can claim csa and child benefit if you don't have your children because the onus is on the other parent to go to court and prove that the other parent doesn't. If your access to your children are being used against you and you worry that you will not see them again, would you not just let it go knowing that going to court will do nothing?

No you don't have to go to court. You report it to the dwp and state that you are the primary carer

Trda · 29/03/2026 20:01

ForWittyTealOP · 29/03/2026 13:19

Again, there are myriad ways that governments raise revenue other than income tax.

Welfare states ensure stability for all. Do you want to live behind steel gates?

It's the largest though isn't it? Again why does anyone have a "right" to use someone else's body (their labour) to survive?

Motherofwildlings · 29/03/2026 20:01

Sunshineandrainbows123 · 28/03/2026 16:54

I know I am being unreasonable but just need to rant and I’m aware that perception is different to reality. I’ve worked hard all my life, since I was 14, paid my way through uni to get a decent qualification and job at the end of it all. I bought a house with my partner but as with so many of us I feel like I can’t rub 2 pennies together. Meanwhile a close friend claims universal benefits, has minimum 4 holidays a year, 2-3 abroad, gets regular beauty treatments, a new car and is able to regularly take her children to the cinema, days out and buy them new clothes, trainers and toys. I feel like I took the wrong path sometimes - she doesn’t have to pay rent for the home they live in, or school lunches for her kids, there are so many discounts and opportunities afforded to those on UC that working families don’t get. I don’t know if it’s better to distance myself. I know I need to probably give my head a wobble.

I see the usual twatty replies from the folk who’ve no idea what it’s like to try survive (not live) on UC. I worked full time since being a literal child (used to illegally work for my Dad at his sports club glass collecting at 10 and then bar work when older pre-18), didn’t go to college as I had a taste for work, worked hard to earn and move my way up the ladder, was on uc anyway to top up wages, got Covid and became disabled, unable to work, in crippling pain, essentially had a breakdown because I went back to work too early and couldn’t cope, I had to medically retire and live off pip and UC. It’s honestly been traumatic to try survive off that, once I found a fiver on the street and thanked literal god because I couldn’t afford to feed the kids properly that week. Pip I had to apply for twice because the first time, despite medical evidence the assessor scored me 0 for everything, it’s completely dehumanising. One winter we had to tell the children the boiler had broke but actually we’d run out of oil and couldn’t afford anymore for until next month so no hot water and heating, used to sneak them in to the local everyone active for a swim and shower. That same winter we had to go round collecting wood for the fire. Had to go to food banks, had to be so strict with the kids-no treats, day out, shit food, dogs ate the cheapest crap imaginable, a friend referred us to a charity to donate Christmas presents for the kids one year because oh got made redundant and the award doesn’t react upfront so it would be almost two months without additional money. It’s honestly the most depressing and miserable thing and it’s always the ones saying people are living the comfortable life who have secure warm housing, that belongs to them with a severe case of the “whataboutism” who have no idea what it’s like and still have the gall to judge and whinge and call you a scum bag. People think your housing gets paid on top of your award but it doesn’t, it’s a component of. Plus, it’s never actually as much as your rent unless in social housing. I’m in North Yorkshire, average rent is £1k a month, housing element (for us at least) of the award is less than £500 leaving a significant short fall. The benefits don’t match up with what most people have to pay for, and it was only a few years ago it stopped being less than minimum wage equivalent. If this person you know gets all this stuff then it’s either on credit or she’s got an only fans or work on the side or something. I’m not saying there’s not people out there that play the system but those few do not make up the many, and the reality is that it’s tough. Maybe those with severely disabled children get extra and they are better at budgeting…and for all those who say “oh so and so says her kids have adhd” it’s not real or whatever, you have to have medical and professional evidence to claim (like with any benefit you have to provide evidence) and it’s simply not able to be faked, a body of professionals has to diagnose a child with a life long disability or other condition such as adhd and it takes years, this isn’t something you get in a five minute drs appointment and then ring up uc and demand more money. It’s a lengthy and complicated process. And what other “benefits” and discounts do we get please?! 🤣🤣 free school meals? All primary children now get them but the combined authority in NY for high school kids is £2.78 a day for school dinners, better than nothing yes, but a hot dinner (nutritionally balanced and filling) costs £3.50 and there’s no drink included. Up until recently there was no water fountain at school for free water. Broadband social tariffs (for any vulnerable person, elderly included not just benefits) aren’t fit for purpose, slowest speeds. Impossible to use if you’re working from home for example or applying for jobs. You can get free installation and a heat pump now I think but guess what, private landlords or at least the ones I’ve dealt with, have absolutely no desire for you even to paint the walls never mind keeping it warmer, so redundant scheme. Why it exists I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ what else…oh warm home discount. Lovely stuff except if you aren’t on gas like many are it’s not convertible in to cash for oil so it’s pretty useless, doesn’t automatically go on to electric or anything like that as we found out. Watersure only exists if you have a medical condition and again, detailed evidence and application must be submitted. Don’t get free tv licence despite the rumours. Many of us hustle our backsides off doing things at home like buying and reselling or doing other things that are manageable around children and illness. It’s narrow minded to tar everyone with the same opinion of those on UC and honestly I beg of the others to stop believing everything you read on the internet or daily mail. I understand things are hard, I’ve used my “time off” wisely and have gone on an access course and now doing a degree (got student loan debt now like everyone else!) so that I can better myself and hopefully be a tax payer again. I do get that it’s hard for everyone, my best friend owns her own home and she’s not eligible for any help, so I understand it feels unfair, but instead of pointing fingers and feeling like you’re being hard done by the likes of me I hope you can see by replies that you are much better off in the sense you have a strong degree of security. We need to be mad at the politicians and billionaires that are making everything so difficult for us all. X

KmcK87 · 29/03/2026 20:02

youalright · 29/03/2026 19:48

So you think her ex partner or whoever has the children happily keeps paying her and also claiming nothing for the children. Sure

Having been in the situation where my husband had to keep paying cms for his child who was living with us full time whilst her mum was still claiming the child benefit, yes. It took a long time for them to investigate and put it right.

Trda · 29/03/2026 20:02

ByBreezyUser · 29/03/2026 14:15

You said "a single person" - you actually meant no one rather than just single people then?

Oh I meant like anyone. Like a person as a singular unit.

NotChained · 29/03/2026 20:03

ForWittyTealOP · 29/03/2026 19:49

Well what? She does have her kids? She doesn't have her kids? Your story doesn't make sense. I hope nobody believes you.

@ForWittyTealOP you don't have to believe me I don't care 🤷🏻‍♀️ I wish it was made up. Unfortunately for my friend it is a living nightmare and has been for years now. It has been years of ongoing battles for him to go from 50/50, to full time, to her kidnapping them and having no contact, fighting to get contact and now she is not allowed them as she is deemed unfit so he has them full time again.

youalright · 29/03/2026 20:04

KmcK87 · 29/03/2026 20:02

Having been in the situation where my husband had to keep paying cms for his child who was living with us full time whilst her mum was still claiming the child benefit, yes. It took a long time for them to investigate and put it right.

Im not saying its instant but it was sorted

ByBreezyUser · 29/03/2026 20:06

NotChained · 29/03/2026 19:47

@ByBreezyUser sorry I didn't realise you had more details than me about this to call it "horse shit". You have no idea how scared he is of her, he is terrified she will stop him seeing the kids especially after she has already kidnapped them before. He has already spoken to child benefit and child support and unless he goes and appears in person they won't do anything. He can't even take pictures with time stamps to prove the kids are at his on a night.

Anyway I'm done. Pages upon pages of lashes and how good people have it. Yeah because you said something and then said more. No one is a mind reader. We don't have all the facts one one post

By the way I hate people being called mental because I have mental health issues and I lost a relative to suicide due to the same. Anyway. Sod this. I'm out

Sod anyone who thinks being on benefits is easy and we are all rich when some people don't know where their next meal is coming from

NotChained · 29/03/2026 20:06

ByBreezyUser · 29/03/2026 20:00

No you don't have to go to court. You report it to the dwp and state that you are the primary carer

@ByBreezyUser he has already done that and DWP have said he has to provide hard evidence that the children live with him full time. Photos with time stamps are "not enough". He has been told he needs to keep paying. Honestly I wish I was making this up, I'm actually shocked with how the situation has been responded to.

youalright · 29/03/2026 20:08

NotChained · 29/03/2026 20:06

@ByBreezyUser he has already done that and DWP have said he has to provide hard evidence that the children live with him full time. Photos with time stamps are "not enough". He has been told he needs to keep paying. Honestly I wish I was making this up, I'm actually shocked with how the situation has been responded to.

Surely if she has been deemed unfit that would have had to go through court so thats significant evidence

ForWittyTealOP · 29/03/2026 20:09

Trda · 29/03/2026 20:01

It's the largest though isn't it? Again why does anyone have a "right" to use someone else's body (their labour) to survive?

A little hyperbolic.
We have a welfare state. We pay taxes and receive services. The alternatives are not pleasant, nor are they particularly practical.

You.might want to have a look at the origins of the welfare state in the 1700s, the ways in which it's developed since and the reasoning behind it which is almost exclusively based on pragmatism. Do you think that Beveridge was acting through altruism? What do you think would have happened in post war Britain if the modern welfare state hadn't been developed? There's a good chance you wouldn't have even been here, being silly about things.