16yo ds seeing much older man in London, ds1 has made it 100x worse, dont know what to do know

[kettleonbutnoidea]

i dont even know where to start tbh this has all come out in the last couple of weeks and i feel like im constantly on the back foot

my ds2 is 16 (17 in summer) and has been talking to someone online for a while which I DIDNT KNOW about until recently. turns out its a man in his 30s living in london. ds says they have “met a few times” which actually means hes been getting the train down there on his own. i only found this out because his brother saw messages on his phone

before anyone says yes ive had the talk about safety etc but hes insisting its all fine and that hes happy. says im making it weird and that age is just a number which hasnt exactly reassured me

then ds1 (22) completely lost it. tracked the man down online and basically messaged him threatening him. i dont know exactly what was said but it was bad enough that the man replied saying he’d go to the police if it carried on. now ds2 is furious with all of us, says weve embarrassed him and is barely speaking to me

since then hes even more secretive and has said hes going to stay in london “for a bit” over easter. i feel sick writing that but i dont know if i can physically stop him and im worried if i push too hard he’ll just go anyway and cut me off

im stuck between thinking this is completely wrong and also not wanting to drive him further away

AIBU to be this worried or do i need to back off a bit now its all blown up?

Your 16 year old is a child and being groomed
id go to the police myself
Good on your other DS

How can he afford to stay in london
is he being given money by the predator ?

This is a nightmare and I feel sorry for you.

Legally there is not much you can do even though we all know what this man in his 30s is. I totally sympathise with your elder son.

At 16 he can legally get on a train and go to London (no parental consent needed for domestic travel), but you still have parental responsibility until he's 18, and safeguarding services do take this seriously.

Go to CEOP (Child Exploitation and Online Protection): https://www.ceop.police.uk/ceop-reporting/

They deal with exactly this – online grooming turning into in-person meets. You can report anonymously if you want, but give them the username, any screenshots, the man's details your DS1 found, and the travel plans. They have child protection advisors who know how to handle these cases without immediately scaring the kid.

Talk to the police. This man may already have a criminal record.

At 16, i’d be contacting the police for advice.

Well someone needed to say something.

If your DD didn't, would you have?

I'm not saying she went about it the right way, but I expect she thought someone needed to try and do something.

Presumably he is going to stay with the older man.

you are in a tricky position here op because while obviously this isn’t good you don’t know what ds1 wrote and depending on what it was if the police are made aware ds1 could also be in a lot of trouble.

it’s generally not a good idea to play into me and my partner against the world stuff that teens like to think.

no advice, sorry.

You call the bloody police, a man is grooming your child.

Good on DS1 for acting, but he shouldn't have to, you should.

It sounds like he’s going to see him regardless at the moment, and the way things are he is just being pushed towards this individual. With no disrespect to other posters, the police aren’t going to be interested at this point unless you have clear evidence of harm/intent to harm by this man. If I were you, I’d try and take the heat out of the situation a bit and take a gentle curious approach with him to establish some more details and build up his trust in being able to share with you so you can get a better picture of what’s going on - and then think about next steps after that.

Yeah I'd be contacting the police as well. A 30 year old involving himself with a 16 year old is all kinds of wrong. Where is your son getting the money from? Very difficult situation for you

He is a child. Report to police and CADS safeguarding

The age of consent is 16. Legally there is nothing you can do unless you can prove contact started when your son was underaged but even then I’m not sure the police would pursue it.

This is going to be really hard but in order to keep your son close I would say your best bet is to pretend to be okay with it. My sister dated a fucking FREAK old man when she was 17 and my mum and dad did this to keep open lines of communication. I could literally see the veins popping out my dad’s head when he would have to be around this man, but it was the best thing they could have done. My sister is now married to a man who’s age appropriate and just sees the whole thing as one embarrassing teenage rebellion, but I know it was really hard on my parents especially dad.

Tell him that he is a child being sexually molested by a predator and he's too immature and inexperienced to see otherwise. When he grows up, he will, and he will feel disgraced by the thing he done with him. Tell him you'll love and support him. if that time comes, but to want better for himself than to be the victim of a paedophile.

I’d be having a word with the man myself. Although legal from a sex perspective you also still have a safeguarding duty for your minor son. Explain that to your son.

You do not let him go to bloody London again either. Wtf. You take whatever device he's using to contact this person.

Can you contsct trainststions and have him barred? I know you can ring airports and stop them letting your child on a flight so I dont know if trainststions can. I'd certainly call and check.

Call the police, 1. To report the bloke. 2. To talk to your son about how bloody stupid and dangerous he's being.

The least likely scenario is that this bloke is an innocent man who is friends with a 16 year old.

He is most likely a paedophile grooming your child.

He could be a gangleader grooming your child to run drugs.

He could be a child trafficker grooming your child to be a prostitute.

This is the moment of being a parent that you start kicking down door and blowing shit up.

Does DS admit he's having sex with this man or claiming they're just friends?

These replies are WILD. How about having a conversation with the child first to establish facts before trying to get him banned from train stations? The knee jerk is strong here.

He's even older than 30 as the op says 'A man in his 30s'.

Will the police talk to,you under Claire’s Law so you can find out if he has some sort of criminal record? I’d definitely ask them for advice but will they just say your son is 16yo and it’s not illegal???

This 100%

Where do you think he was going when meeting up with him before? Where was he getting money from? How did DS2 contact him in first place?

What social media presence does this man have?

Ask DS2 if you can meet him?

So many comments here saying call.the police, he's a child. Factually at 16 you are not a child. The police cannot help you because of that, they will.tell.you that at 16 its his own decision. You wont be able to stop' him as he's 16 and no longer a child. Trying to threaten the other man and whatnot is just going to push him away and he could leave for good, as he is old enough to leave home at 16. It is ultimately his decision and no one else's sorry. If it was me id support it otherwise youl face losing him.

He’s over the age of consent, so it’s legal for him to have a sexual relationship, including sexual relationships with adults much older than him. The only thing that would be illegal would be if the 16-year-old was sending explicit photos or video of himself, or if the adult was in a position of authority over him (eg if the adult was his teacher or something). If there’s no coercion and he isn’t being sexually exploited (eg coerced to have sex with other men) then it’s not going to be a police matter.

I’m not saying the OP isn’t right to be concerned - any parent would be. But if her son is 16 he can legally consent to sex with an adult and it’s not a police matter.

He’s clearly staying with the older man…

I think @GreenCaterpillarOnALeaf has good advice. Make a huge deal of it and you risk pushing him away. Play it cool and your ds will probably move on/get bored in his own time. But the worry is is he safe in the mean time….meeting strangers off the internet is not sensible.