16yo ds seeing much older man in London, ds1 has made it 100x worse, dont know what to do know

[kettleonbutnoidea]

i dont even know where to start tbh this has all come out in the last couple of weeks and i feel like im constantly on the back foot

my ds2 is 16 (17 in summer) and has been talking to someone online for a while which I DIDNT KNOW about until recently. turns out its a man in his 30s living in london. ds says they have “met a few times” which actually means hes been getting the train down there on his own. i only found this out because his brother saw messages on his phone

before anyone says yes ive had the talk about safety etc but hes insisting its all fine and that hes happy. says im making it weird and that age is just a number which hasnt exactly reassured me

then ds1 (22) completely lost it. tracked the man down online and basically messaged him threatening him. i dont know exactly what was said but it was bad enough that the man replied saying he’d go to the police if it carried on. now ds2 is furious with all of us, says weve embarrassed him and is barely speaking to me

since then hes even more secretive and has said hes going to stay in london “for a bit” over easter. i feel sick writing that but i dont know if i can physically stop him and im worried if i push too hard he’ll just go anyway and cut me off

im stuck between thinking this is completely wrong and also not wanting to drive him further away

AIBU to be this worried or do i need to back off a bit now its all blown up?

Any other relative he is close to who can have a chat with him?

re ds1, i know people are saying good on him but it has made things worse between us all

Well I think DS1 did the right thing "sticking his oar in". Thats more than what you've done by the sounds of it. Call 101. Ask for advice. Your 16 year old is being groomed and you're pissed off with Da1 for trying to stop it?

OP you really need to step up here. DS1 clearly understands the seriousness of the situation.

I would contact the police and NSPCC for advice. Your ds 2 is far too young to make sensible decisions about his safety. That is up to you.

This is such a worrying situation to be in

Id report him for grooming.

A grown adult male in his 30's shouldn't have any sexual or romantic interest in a 16 year old boy (or girl, for that matter). At 16, your son is still legally a minor, at 17 he's still legally a minor, therefore you (as his parent) are still responsible for him.

It's not normal on any level for a man in his 30's to be interested in a child. The only reason, is because a 16 year old is easily manipulated and pliable...due to his inexperience and immaturity. Yes, in the gay community age gap relationships are very common, but this is beyond an 'age gap' relationship.

You need to contact the CEOP for advice. You could contact the police on the non-emergency line for advice too.

You are in a tricky situation. You need proper professional advice before you speak to your son. Unfortunately, as much as I understand why your eldest son tackled the situation as he did, it's not going to help. It's made your younger son secretive and defensive, which will drive him closer to this man. You don't want that!

im trying to read everything but its a lot and some of it is quite hard to read if im honest

yes he knows hes 16. ds says he was upfront about his age from the start which almost makes it worse in my head because its not like theres been any mistake there

i dont know exactly when they started talking. ive asked and he just says “months” and wont be pinned down which is making me feel sick now people are pointing out he could have been 15. i hadnt even thought of that properly before

ds1 is not in trouble with me, i probably worded that badly earlier. i understand why he reacted like he did, i just wish it hadnt been so aggressive because its pushed ds2 further towards this man which is what im now dealing with

im not “trying to be his friend” over being his mum, im trying not to completely lose him. people saying just take his phone etc dont seem to get that he will just find another way and then i know even less than i do now

i have very limited details on the man. first name, rough area in london and what ds1 found online which i havent even properly looked at yet because my head is all over the place

someone asked about his dad, hes not really in the picture so its just me dealing with this which probably isnt helping

i am going to report it, probably via that ceop thing first like suggested so i can at least get some advice without it all kicking off straight away. i didnt realise that was an option before today

i will try and talk to ds later and ask more directly about when it started and where hes actually been staying. and maybe suggest meeting him like some have said even though the thought of that makes me feel a bit sick

i am worried, im not ignoring it even if it comes across that way here

Yes let's lay into the terrified OP. So supportive. 🙄

Good on DS1 for standing up for DS2 !
your 16 year old is being groomed online
go to the police

If this was my son when he was 16 I don't think I would be able to be held sanely responsible for my actions or my family too for that matter. Don't be too hard on your older son it's natural how he's acted

OP, he's been groomed and you need to get professionals involved here to help you manage this. Police, Social Services... whatever you feel is easier for you. And get DS1 to come with you to report it, as he's managed to find out who this man is. No action could lead him down a path of no return. At best he's found an older man who is into younger inexperienced lads and could be getting into a sexual relationship that he's no way mature enough to cope with physically or emotionally.

Can you call 111 for advice. He’s over the age of consent but I don’t know what it means if he’s still under 18. In any case, why on earth would a man in his 30s be interested in him?

The idea that the police or social services have the resources or remit to get involved in this is just so divorced from the reality of our public services

What can she do, she can not stop a 16 year old from getting on a train and staying with his boyfriend, the age of consent is 16 so unfortunately no laws are being broken here.
No advice op, hopefully the police can at least advise you even if they can’t physically do anything.

Watch the Huw Edwards docudrama. Call the police. Your son is being groomed.

I watched the Huw Edwards dramatisation in the week. It focused on a 17 year old boy called "Ryan". Huw Edwards was apparently sending him money for pictures and videos. Ryan's parents contacted the BBC, the police, the Sun. In the end, Huw Edwards was convicted of other crimes and nothing happened re Ryan.

16 / 17 seems to be a grey area for grooming allegations.

They need to change the law on this. As it stands a just turned 16 year old could be getting on the train to meet a 50 year old and it would be legal. So creepy, no normal adult with a healthy social life wants to hang around with a school child.

I would be upset in your situation but if they're not doing anything illegal I can't see how you can stop him without locking him in his room etc. Is it a better approach to try and have a calm conversation, apologise for upsetting him, explain your concerns, tell him that you think it's reasonable that if he's going to be out over night he at very least leave the details of who he'll be with and where. Can you talk to him about safe sex etc. He's sixteen, he thinks he's grown up and that he knows, how unfortunate that he's not hanging out with people his own age. I hope you manage to calm the storm. What a difficult situation.

This is why the age of consent needs to be 18. Grown adults legally being able to have sex with under 18s is grim.

Exactly my thought. It will definitely give you a good idea of the sort of thing that might be going on

Go to the police. There’s an order that can be given to adults that says if your kid is found in their property that they will be seen as abducting them. obviouslyi doubt they’d issue that with no background but contacting the police is the first step. Google it and tell your son you’ll be contacting the police to get one if he dares leave.

its called an abduction warning notice

I was a sixteen year old meeting men this age. They were after one thing and I now, as an older woman, understand I was groomed.

I would tell your son that you do will only give permission for him to stay if you can go to the house and meet the man. He won’t go for it. You can even ask to meet his parents if you really want to go in. Act supportive.

You then say if he leaves, without the above condition happening, you will report him as missing. The older bloke will not want this crap. He will drop your son like a hot stone.

Onething that got me to see a bit of sense was being told that decent older men date people their own age. What has a 30 year old got in common with a 16 year old? The older man is dating a kid because people his own age won’t tolerate his bullshit. As I got older, I soon realised that these older men who I thought were so cool were really sad acts who couldn’t get women their own age to tolerate them so they went after kids who didn’t know better.

I wouldn’t be going along with this at all. I’d be making it very clear that he’s a child going off to see a dirty old predator and you will never be ok with it. It’s not normal. It’s unconscionable.

Personally, I think your elder DS had the right idea. Is there any way of finding out where this disgusting pervert lives? He could be 39. He could be fucking 50! He could have been grooming your son for years! God only knows what he could be doing to your child.

Your son has his whole life ahead of him and he’s in this terrible situation.

Don’t feel your only option is to standby and watch it unfold.

First post nails it. Your DS is at high risk of all kinds of harm so speak to the police straight away.

I get that you're scared of driving him away, but my experience is that exploitative relationships when DC are too young to exercise proper judgement end up tearing them away from you anyway. I think you need to do whatever you can to protect him and hope the fallout will settle eventually for you to rebuild your relationship. It's different from the undesirable relationships of yesteryear. Online groomers have a wealth of well researched psychological tools at their disposal. If you can possibly arrange counselling for him it will help him to understand he's been manipulated, and perhaps also get to the bottom of whatever unfulfilled need in him made this man's attention attractive. I second the advice to contact CEOP. Don't take his phone away. He may need it in a tight spot.