16yo ds seeing much older man in London, ds1 has made it 100x worse, dont know what to do know

[kettleonbutnoidea]

i dont even know where to start tbh this has all come out in the last couple of weeks and i feel like im constantly on the back foot

my ds2 is 16 (17 in summer) and has been talking to someone online for a while which I DIDNT KNOW about until recently. turns out its a man in his 30s living in london. ds says they have “met a few times” which actually means hes been getting the train down there on his own. i only found this out because his brother saw messages on his phone

before anyone says yes ive had the talk about safety etc but hes insisting its all fine and that hes happy. says im making it weird and that age is just a number which hasnt exactly reassured me

then ds1 (22) completely lost it. tracked the man down online and basically messaged him threatening him. i dont know exactly what was said but it was bad enough that the man replied saying he’d go to the police if it carried on. now ds2 is furious with all of us, says weve embarrassed him and is barely speaking to me

since then hes even more secretive and has said hes going to stay in london “for a bit” over easter. i feel sick writing that but i dont know if i can physically stop him and im worried if i push too hard he’ll just go anyway and cut me off

im stuck between thinking this is completely wrong and also not wanting to drive him further away

AIBU to be this worried or do i need to back off a bit now its all blown up?

Ignore anyone saying this isn’t illegal. They do not know that. Get advice from police or charity

I was involved with older men when I was 16. Maybe controversial but I can clearly see now who was a predator and who was incidental.

Something that made me see one man was awful and dangerous was when he noticeably tried to turn me on my parents, who were being pretty reasonable (in my eyes) about the whole thing. I found that chilling because I got on well with my parents, who tried to keep me safe while also giving me some degree of autonomy in a tricky situation, and I genuinely see that as the reason I survived relatively unscathed compared to girls from less stable backgrounds I knew.

I would definitely err towards the side of keeping things cool and calm and not blowing up the situation.

Where does it say that? I’ve worked for a charity that supports people experiencing CSE, it does not only refer to people in a position of trust. It refers to any child who is groomed by an adult

Do you know his name? Google it and roughly the area he lives
, see if anything comes up

Very sorry to read this thread.
Can you try to keep comms open with your son? The w.c.s. is when he doesn’t discuss it further and you then have no idea where he is.

I agree unfortunately that police can do little if he says he consents (I have experienced this professionally). However, I would personally log it with them anyway to help build a picture of ever needed (police have advised this previously).

I would call Children’s Services , explain you are concerned about your child being groomed and ask for advice. There are exploitation teams and similar in each Local Authority.

I also wouldn't feel that your son has made it worse- he is a protective brother who stepped in try and keep hia brother safe. I do understand your concern about pushing your son away but inaction is not going to help here.

I thought that 16-18 year olds could only consent to other 16-18 year olds. Obviously I was wrong. But that’s how it should be imo. Totally different story if it’s two 16 year olds, but what is this guy thinking? Oh I just happened to “fall in love” with a child I met on the internet.

I’m so sorry this is happening to your family. I totally understand why you’re not sure what to do. It’s easy for people on an online forum to matter-of-factly tell you what you’re doing wrong and what they would do, but it’s another thing to actually do that worrying what the outcome could be. I think contacting that organisation is the right move.

My eldest son is nearly 17, I am 35, if this was my son I won't write what I'd do to the woman/man. Your sons being groomed that's the end of it.

If It wasn’t so sad it would be hilarious that so many people on here think that a 16 year old boy is going to sit quietly in his room grounded with no phone - he literally has a job and is out earning his own money ffs, he’s not 12. Probably outweighs his mum by 5 stone too. Also the naivety of anyone who thinks the police, social services, etc is going to do a single thing about this without the cooperation of the boy. He’s going to tell the police he’s fine and willing to be in a relationship with this predator and they’re going to say, ok son, have a nice time. Honestly, get real.

OP I think the anonymous site is a good idea and keeping him as close as possible so he’s as open as you can get him to be with location etc is your best bet here. Hopefully the novelty will wear off soon but you’re right, the more you push the less likely that becomes. The guy knowing you’re watching will hopefully minimize any potential risks.

my dd went through a difficult patch at 14, when I put a bit of trust in her and opened communication things got a lot better quick. And that was after trying all your conventional parenting techniques. I’m delighted for anyone who has a conformist kid that this stuff will work for, mine ain’t like that.

I thought gay sex was legal only at age 18

I’m a parent of older teens. Under no circumstances would I allow my 16 year old DD nor DS to have an intimate relationship with an adult in their 30s. Male or female, doesn’t matter.

I would be seeking advice left, right and centre. NSPCC, Social Services, safeguarding lead at 6th form/college. Police.

This bloke is a nonce. There is a world of difference between two 16/17 year olds in a sexual relationship and what is happening here. This is why the age of consent needs to be raised when there is a significant age gap.

The “half your age plus 7” rule would be a useful discussion point with your ds @kettleonbutnoideaTalk about how it’s widely regarded that a 30 year old person in a relationship with a 16 year old is unacceptable as you are both at very different life stages. That using the Half Plus 7 rule, if he is 30, then many people would view anything below 22 as somewhat inappropriate.

Oh and the threat from this man go to the the police over DS1… my response would be “Go on then. Let’s go together and lay it all out”. I would not be threatened by a nonce.

I disagree that legally there’s not much can be done. This boy is a child. He’s 16. An adult is 18. The other man is an adult. It’s completely illegal for an adult to engage in sexual activity with a child. The age of consent is 16. That only applies if both parties are under 18. Otherwise it’s an adult having sex with a child. Why do you think Hugh Edwards got into trouble? Report the man to the police.

To seek advice and for them to check the SOR

I’d certainly be seeking help from them before ‘letting this play itself out’ and put a 16yo at risk of sexual, physical, mental and emotional harm that could change his life for ever.

Is your son still at school? Surely he has GCSE’s in a few weeks? Or has he left school ? If still at school then he needs to be studying not meeting up with a pervert

^
this

the police will not be in the least bit interested
your ds is 16 so over the age of consent and nearing 17 years old

Id tread a very thin tightrope and not ask any questions, but say you're hoping he has a nice time over easter, you hope that things go ok. Make sure your don't say too much but appear to give your blessing as you want to regain that trust

That’s a really tough situation OP. I think I would’ve had a chat with my child and explain to them that I have a say over their life for another 2 years at least, meaning I would like to meet that man in London myself. Then I would have a long hard talk with both of them and explain to the 30 year old the consequences of him contacting a child. And that you will report him to police if he attempts to contact your DS2 again.

A lot of disinformation and lack of understanding of what grooming and CSE laws are and getting that mixed up with the age of consent. I’d get proper advice and move on from this thread

Err.. the age of consent has been 16 for all people for a number of years now.

This is not correct and misinformation

the age of consent is 16 so if a 22 year old has sex with a 16 year old there is no prosecution for under age sex

What would you be saying or doing if this was your 16 year old daughter meeting up with a man in his 30’s?

I can only give you personal experience...
I discovered ds was being groomed by a man who liked to dress as a woman. This person claimed to 'understand' ds and was trying to set up meeting ds in a very remote location. I happened to walk into ds room when he was talking to this person and pouring out his heart about how awful I was etc I was a single parent, ds has no siblings.
The way I handled it may not be the best way, but it worked .. I removed all devices, laptop was kept in sight in the living room. All social media accounts were deleted and he was only allowed to speak to friends I knew on the phone and in person. His friends parents and school were also supportive. I also reported it to 101 and the local police visited and had a long conversation about not knowing who someone really is etc . Ds also wasn't allowed to go out for a while as I explained I'd lost trust as he wasn't telling the truth about where he was and that until he could realise that he had to tell the truth then he wasn't going anywhere. I think it also scared ds as it was around the same time as soma horrific attacks on young boys.
As I say, I can't say whether this would work with your ds especially as they are already meeting in person and it's clear your ds has his own money, which at least in my case ds was reliant on me to fund any travel , but the minimum is you need full details from your ds of where he intends to go.

No but if that 22 year old had groomed that 16 year old then they could be prosecuted despite the age of consent being 16

Hugh Edwards, 63, was sentenced to a six-month jail sentence suspended for two years at Westminster Magistrates’ Court after pleading guilty to three charges of making indecent images of children.

However, the man maybe know to the police already and maybe a person of interest! This is not a normal relationship, would you be saying the same thing if a girl was involved?

No, that is misinformation

the age of consent is presently set at 16 years old and a 22 year old having sex with a 16 year old is not, in the eyes of the law considered as grooming