16yo ds seeing much older man in London, ds1 has made it 100x worse, dont know what to do know

[kettleonbutnoidea]

i dont even know where to start tbh this has all come out in the last couple of weeks and i feel like im constantly on the back foot

my ds2 is 16 (17 in summer) and has been talking to someone online for a while which I DIDNT KNOW about until recently. turns out its a man in his 30s living in london. ds says they have “met a few times” which actually means hes been getting the train down there on his own. i only found this out because his brother saw messages on his phone

before anyone says yes ive had the talk about safety etc but hes insisting its all fine and that hes happy. says im making it weird and that age is just a number which hasnt exactly reassured me

then ds1 (22) completely lost it. tracked the man down online and basically messaged him threatening him. i dont know exactly what was said but it was bad enough that the man replied saying he’d go to the police if it carried on. now ds2 is furious with all of us, says weve embarrassed him and is barely speaking to me

since then hes even more secretive and has said hes going to stay in london “for a bit” over easter. i feel sick writing that but i dont know if i can physically stop him and im worried if i push too hard he’ll just go anyway and cut me off

im stuck between thinking this is completely wrong and also not wanting to drive him further away

AIBU to be this worried or do i need to back off a bit now its all blown up?

She needs to understand this man will ONLY use her for sec nothin else and he will abuse her mentally. There is a reason he cannot get women his own age

The child is a boy.

He’s a minor. And you don’t have to be underage to be groomed.

Minor is an American term where age of consent is 18

There does have to be evidence of grooming though.

Having a normal conversation, getting to know someone, talking about shared interests... is not grooming. There has to be more to it than that, manipulation, lies etc.

At this point the OP has absolutely no idea if that has happened and without reading/hearing the conversations between them, she can't know if it is grooming.

We can all suspect, of course - but the police can't take action without evidence.

No, I don't, however, girls tend to be protected more than boys in this regard.
Please don't bother replying that they are absolutely protected. I know they are not. Just more. more is the key word.

A minor in the U.K. is person under 18. Definition set out in the Children’s Act 1989.

You don’t need evidence to contact police. You report concerns/suspicions and they investigate.

Interesting?
I think you're insinuating that I'm a man here. You are wrong.

No no no no no I do not care if he is 16 and classed as an adult in some situations this is not an acceptable situation. The adult in this should know it is wrong and not meet a child. His older brother did the right thing and you must ensure he does not meet them again. It may very well be innocent but then again it may not be. I did not have teenage friends in my 30’s. You will need to endure DS being angry for his own safety and physically stop him if needs be. I would be contacting the police and getting DS1 to let the older man know! At 18 I was groomed by a 37yo, and yes 18 is an adult but I was in an imbalanced relationship. The closest he could get to legal, that’s what they do. Keep him safe

Can't help think about the Huw Edwards incident ...

When I was dating a 30 y o at 16 he would tell me I was an adult. I suspect some men without their own children possibly don't understand how young 16 is ? Thoughts ? It makes me feel a bit sick now.

It was correct what the older brother did. I would be paying someone to follow my son and going to the bastard's house myself, he wouldn't get away with it

Using a forum such as MACE (or whatever it is called in your LA, but your CE/CSE multiagency safeguarding board ) would allow for checks to be made and information sharing from the different organisational reps on that board , from this you would know if there is previous info about this man and any other children. This is where the relevant information sharing will help determine the picture , and in my LA children who don’t have a SW are heard at MACE and can be referred in by any professional working with them (so college could do it in this case) if mum doesn’t refer to CS herself.

This is where I would gather the further information to tell me whether a Strat is needed or not. Mum only know part of the picture but it’s for us as professionals to help families make informed decisions and form safety plans , which is why it’s important we signpost and should be careful in our replies that we don’t gatekeep services by our replies-whether intentional or not some of your replies have been quite oppositional and could detract people from making referrals or seeking support as it suggests there is no point .

I think you're right about this, {mention:likelysuspect}@likelysuspect
I hadn't thought about the situation from your angle. Thank you.

Sorry this was in response to likelysubject once again challenging about a Strat , it didn’t quote the original post

Oh, I don't know - maybe to get all my ducks in a row, to gather ammunition if necessary before running off to the authorities half cocked and to actually maintain a relationship with my much loved son, particularly if things are going to have to get even worse?

You know, when you're facing a difficult situation, it's worth working out how you want to finally resolve it (actually achieve what you want) before rushing into the first step.

Thank you @Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim

It's modern morality, I'm afraid. Yes, nowadays we think 16 year old having sexual contact with people 10+ years older is terrible, but when I was young in the late 60s/70s no one thought twice about it.

This was a hit in 1973/1974 when the Ringo was 33/34. I never heard a word of controversy about it either then or since:

"Okay, well, this is for you
And it's also for the other girls who are young as hot
And it's called 'You're Sixteen', you're beautiful and you're mine
Whoo!
You come on like a dream
Peaches and cream
Lips like strawberry wine
You're sixteen, you're beautiful, and you're mine (ooh, mine, all mine)
You're all ribbons and curls (ooh)
Ooh, what a girl (ooh)
Eyes that sparkle and shine (ooh)
You're sixteen, so beautiful and you're mine (ooh)
Mine all mine, mine, mine, mine
You're my baby, you're my pet (ooh, wah, wah)
We fell in love on the night we met (ooh, wah, wah, wah)
You touched my hand, my heart went pop (ooh)
Ooh, when we kissed, I could not stop (ooh)
You walked out of my dreams, and into my arms (ahh)
Now you're my angel divine (ahh)
You're sixteen, you're beautiful, and you're mine (ooh wah, wah, wah)
You're my baby, you're my pet (ooh wah, wah, wah)
We fell in love on the night we met (ooh, we fell in love)
You touched my hand, my heart went pop (ooh, what a night, ooh, what a night)
Ooh, when we kissed I could not stop (ooh-ooh)
You walked out of my dreams, and into my car (ahh)
Now you're my angel divine
You're sixteen, so beautiful, and you're mine (ooh wah, wah, wah)
You're sixteen, so beautiful, and you're mine (ooh wah, wah, wah)
You're sixteen, so beautiful, and you're mine (ooh wah, wah, wah)
Thank you"
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Richard M. Sherman / Robert B. Sherman
You're Sixteen lyrics © Warner-tamerlane Publishing Corp., Mijac Music

You can speak to social services to get support with early intervention they can also support you with reports to the police etc.

Oh good grief. This. And anyway locking someone in without their consent is false imprisonment. It's a criminal offence. Parents can take reasonable steps with children for their protection but the OP's son is already16 years old - a really fuzzy age around parental control/abuse and the perceived need to protect him! If OP locks him in, their relationship could collapse completely, and it's the mother who may end up having to explain herself to the police (if the boy realises he could complain).

What you do is call the police immediately he is a child being groomed by a 30 year old pedophile he wouldn't dare go to police they would arrest him on the spot !!!!! If your son won't protect himself you've got to .

The man is twenty years older

Is his dad around? You only reference your other child so I wasn’t sure if he a relationship with his father (and if not this might tie into the situation he’s now found himself in).

This man who is ‘in his 30s’ could conceivably be anything from 30 to early 40s. There’s no way of knowing whether he’s been truthful to your son or if your son is concealing a bigger age gap from you. So I would be prepared for that eventuality unfortunately.

I would focus less on the age of consent/having sex (because legally it’s against you) and more on the fact of a 16 yr old child travelling to London to stay with an older stranger and the level of risk around that. I wouldn’t let my 16 yr old go to stay with someone I didn’t know and certainly not with someone they’d met online who lives In another city. What would happen if you refused to allow him to go without having the full name and address of the individual? Do you think he would just sneak off anyway? I think that this is the absolute minimum information he should be providing.

I can completely understand the panic but I offer an alternative. The age gap is large but not illegal. So what about trying to embrace it. Maybe offer for him to come to you instead of your DS always going there, or go and meet him and smooth over DS1s interactions in person. You don’t know this man. Your DS2 does and I assume has found something of value there on which to build a relationship. Maybe he is a good person who is able to guide your DS2 as he matures into a gay man. Maybe that’s better than being a teenager in the scene.

Anyway - just to say it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. (I have only read the OPs posts)

Ringo was 17 years older.