16yo ds seeing much older man in London, ds1 has made it 100x worse, dont know what to do know

[kettleonbutnoidea]

i dont even know where to start tbh this has all come out in the last couple of weeks and i feel like im constantly on the back foot

my ds2 is 16 (17 in summer) and has been talking to someone online for a while which I DIDNT KNOW about until recently. turns out its a man in his 30s living in london. ds says they have “met a few times” which actually means hes been getting the train down there on his own. i only found this out because his brother saw messages on his phone

before anyone says yes ive had the talk about safety etc but hes insisting its all fine and that hes happy. says im making it weird and that age is just a number which hasnt exactly reassured me

then ds1 (22) completely lost it. tracked the man down online and basically messaged him threatening him. i dont know exactly what was said but it was bad enough that the man replied saying he’d go to the police if it carried on. now ds2 is furious with all of us, says weve embarrassed him and is barely speaking to me

since then hes even more secretive and has said hes going to stay in london “for a bit” over easter. i feel sick writing that but i dont know if i can physically stop him and im worried if i push too hard he’ll just go anyway and cut me off

im stuck between thinking this is completely wrong and also not wanting to drive him further away

AIBU to be this worried or do i need to back off a bit now its all blown up?

Of course they do, most councils and police are very much aware and heavily involved in trying to prevent CSE

He's a nonce.. No other genuine man age 30+would want to have sex with a 16 year old boy.

No you don’t let your 16 y old child be groomed by a 30 y old man online. I’d be shouting loudly and publicly in that 30 y olds social online environment about what he’s doing unless he backs off. Your child will be angry but protecting them from a predator is your main job.

I agree with PP not to relent or be supportive of this relationship. Your son will come to realise you were right in his own time and be grateful that you told him how it is and did your best to protect him. Also think it's a great idea to report him missing if he disappears over Easter, the predator won't want that hassle

At 16 the police can't make a dc go home but can do a welfare check... At the very least they can check the sex offenders register for his name. If ds is so sure he is OK he won't mind...

https://raydensolicitors.co.uk/blog/what-is-a-child-abduction-warning-notice-2/#:~:text=The%20notice%20will%20include:%20*%20Details%20of,found%20to%20be%20with%20the%20suspected%20adult

Yes could be an idea to try to find out where he works

You can't just remove a 16 year olds phone. They can walk out the door and buy another one - come on! a Pay as you go phone is cheap.

People need to stop giving the Op a hard time.

I have a very wilful teenager and it's people whose kids obediently do what they are told who are often quick to judge.

The key here is not to alienate the young person - but to keep them open and talking as much as possible.

the guy is a gross groomer clearly but it's what steps you take to protect a young person in this situation that matter.

Your Son is 16 so if it started when he was 16, unless the man is in a position of power, teach etc then he isn’t technically grooming him. Its grubby & yuck.

Ds1 bless him for trying to help, I doubt the man will go to the police and have to explain its over a 16yr old lad.

how have you not noticed son has been popping off to meet someone in London.

I can’t see there is much you can do but wait it out like others have suggested. If you try and stop him he will go & not come back

This all sounds very Huw Edwards! Where would your 16 year old son get the money from to travel and stay in London? Have you checked to see if he has any new trainers/shoes?

This thread has been really useful. I must admit that, while clearly I can see that any adult in their 30s having sexual interest in a 16 year old is disturbing and a bit sick, I, like OP and others I suspect, was not previously clear that they could in fact be prosecuted for this (unless they were a teacher or otherwise in a position of authority).

I now realise that that is wrong, and I welcome the laws that protect young people in situations like this.

However, while a 16 year old is not an 18 year old, they are also not a 12 year old. It's not really accurate to describe him as "a child", though he is also not an adult - you don't magically become one on the day you turn 18 - it's a process.

So parenting has to be the same - it isn't helpful to suggest OP treats her son as she would if he were 12, assuming she wants
A) to retain a positive, respectful and loving relationship with him
B) to raise a young man capable of making his own good decisions.

OP's son no doubt considers himself in love - and many of us can surely remember the glamour and attraction of older people at this age.....

Somehow OP, you need to find a way if possible to make him understand that what this guy is doing is inappropriate, exploitative, disturbing. And that can beat be achieved through listening, showing empathy, keeping the lines of communication open.

But yes, also speak to the police, get advice about the situation. It's hardly the first time this has happened -;there is a wealth of advice and support out there for family members of young people at risk of grooming and exploration......

Poor OP - I am so sorry this is happening to you and your family.

Huw edwards is in a position of power, the rules are different.

grubby joe bloggs who lives in hamlet towers, smokes weed & has no job is a different matter.

plus Huw was paying 🤮

What an incredibly worrying time for you all.I would report your concerns to the police just so they are aware and maybe they can do checks on this individual, honestly its the best thing to do .Imagine if something bad did happen,you'd never forgive yourself for not acting ,safeguard your child and I wish you all well.

It’s just so hard to get across to kids this age that no decent non-weirdo adult goes out with a child. When I was 16 I was dating someone much older. By the time I was his age I was doing a professional job, two degrees, living abroad - the idea of me going out with a school boy would have been insane

Can you do a Sarah’s Law or Clare’s Law?

Speak to the police to report what?

There is so much misinformation and legal misunderstanding on this thread that is unhelpful.

The age of consent in this country is 16. That means it is perfectly legal for a 30 year old or a 70 year old to have an intimate relationship with someone who is 16.

This man has only committed an offence here if there has been something like abuse, coercive control or it was taking place when the OP’s DS was 15.

We can disapprove of what he is doing but that doesn’t make it illegal.

The only way forward here is through communication.

Oh please contact the police OP. Your DS is legally a child, this man is grooming him. It happened to my best friend, he also travelled down to London from where we live in the north. He was a bit older, 18 I think but he was still 100% groomed. The man gave him HIV.

Check their phones it's the only way. Parents have a responsibility .

Yes exactly. It's not great from a moral point of view but short of anything else there is nothing the police can do.

I don't think it's right, I just don't think it's illegal so o.p needs to look at other options other than the police magically solving the problem.

Ds1 needs to watch himself though the police can actually do something about threats.

Only if they consent and are not being groomed, I fully believe OP’s DS is being groomed. I am 33, I teach 18/19 year olds and they are children to me- I would and could never view them sexually. A man in his 30s has zero business sleeping with a 16 year old boy.

That’s not the law, CSE can happen up to 18

I would be going to his house myself .. and inviting him to ring the Police, hopefully whilst the neighbours were watching. He would be lucky to get away with just a kick up the arse

OP, if nothing else you need to be on the right side of history here. In years to come your son will recognise that he has been groomed and abused and unfortunately one of his main questions and focuses will be on what you did to support and protect him. I know you’re worried about his reaction but remember it’s not just how he feels now that will define your relationship. Good luck. This is every mother’s worst nightmare and you have my sympathies.

I did wonder about this but OP needs to tread carefully that she doesn’t do anything where he can cause her of harrassment, etc.

Only when the person is in a position of trust/power over the the 16-18yr old.

that is literally the law.

it doesn’t take away that its still essentially happening and its beyond disgusting. But the age of consent is 16 so if the Op’s son says it consensual they can’t do much

You are fixated on what your son can and cant do at 16. The first question you ask yourself is, what would a man “in his 30s” want with a 16 year old?
this is creepy. You need to protect your son and you need to get some advice. You need to find out more info about this man and confront him.

What your son can and can’t do is a completely different thing to think about.