Mothers of straight young men 25-35YO - what are your boys up to?

[SleepRelay]

Asking for DD (26) and at least 3 of her girlfriends… All good, beautiful, smart, professional young women with family values, none can find love. Men spend a few weeks wooing them, get what they were after and ghost them immediately or come up with some story why it would not work. One is still a virgin as she has seen enough of that and does not to “waste” it. Occasionally, they meet men through work or social contacts, but mostly on dating apps.

She came home last night and started a serious conversation about freezing her eggs.

So, my question is where are the decent, working, respectful young men? They are not in gyms, mine is full of much older or much younger. What are your boys saying about dating scene? Are they on apps? Sorry about the rambling, I just would like to know what it’s like on the other side.

@greenteaandlimes yours is a really interesting post & chimes with a book I read years ago, which reversed all the "selfish careerist" woman-blaming that single women face. There are just fewer men.

And those men interested in marriage & children do it relatively early, which then requires women to part (or wholly) sacrifice career ambitions.

Added to that, the cultural practice for women is to pair "up" ie a man a bit older, a bit taller, a bit more qualified, a bit richer than the woman.

Upthread someone says this is because women are tantamount to "gold-diggers," but it's a pretty deeply ingrained social practice. Women marrying a man younger than them, or a lower earner than them, often face comment in ways men never do, for example. Not universally, but it's still so deeply ingrained, most women & men feel it's "natural."

Our DS is the same. He's 24, has a good career/profession, still taking professional exams every six months, so lots of studying. Spare time is basically watching sport with likeminded mates. He's living in a flat total of 6 young similar aged professional males, none of whom have steady girlfriends and most don't even date (no, they're not gay either). DS says he's not really interested in women - he spent his 3 Uni years in Uni flats with mostly women flatmates and whilst he got on with them, he thought they were needy and too obsessed with reality TV etc (that was his opinion of them!). I did keep pointing out that they'd probably think he was obsessed with watching sport on TV!! A couple of his Uni flat mates seemed to constantly have different boyfriends every month or so which I think also put him off as he'd be looking long term rather than casual short term flings. Even in his workplace, a large professional office, he works with lots of young women, but he says they're either already in long term relationships, married or with children, or they're women he wouldn't think of as potential love interests for various reasons. From what we can gather, the ones he would be interested in are already taken!

We worry about him as we think 24 years old is pretty old to not have a long term relationship but he just shrugs and says there's plenty of time and he enjoys being free of the commitment and drama of what he sees in his friends who do have long term relationships! It worries us as we didn't get together until we were 22 and we thought we were late to the party! I think with Uni, some of them do "grow up" at a later date and maybe five years or so behind how we were back in the 80s when we didn't go to Uni, and were flung into the world of full time work straight after leaving school, which is usually a massive wake up call to grow up!

It's also noteworthy I think that nearly all his closest friends from school and Uni aren't hitched, nor have kids etc., so it does seem to be a trend to leave things a little later than in our day 40 years ago! By the time I was 24, nearly everyone I knew had already married and most had kids. But I'd be hard pressed to think of any of DS's school friends who were married or had kids at the moment.

I have two sons in this age group, oldest is 29 and married his partner nearly two years ago who had been with since he was 16. The other is 26, been with his partner 6 years and is happily settled down in a house they bought last year. Most of their similar age friends are in long term relationships and have children.

@Badbadbunny mostly women flatmates and whilst he got on with them, he thought they were needy and too obsessed with reality TV etc
Both of my DSs had similar views. They dislike the fashion for heavy make up, fat lips, eyebrows and general self obsession with appearance. The girls they eventually met are both natural looking, clever and sporty. They are out there somewhere.

That nails it really. DS isn't in any hurry and I think he'd rather wait (or do without) than go down the "fakeness" and self-obsessed route as it just doesn't appeal to him at all. He knows that there are "natural looking, clever and sporty" women out there - he works with loads but they're taken! There've been a few he's talked about a lot.

I do think there's a trend that you either get out there and snap up someone pretty early on, i.e. at Sixth form or Uni, or if you miss out, then there's another "window of opportunity" in the late 20s, maybe partners becoming available after break ups etc.

We're just glad that DS seems happy to wait for "Miss Right" (for him) rather than get involved with someone who's "Miss Good Enough" out of desperation. From how he talks, I think he'd be just as happy not bothering at all if he can't find the right/suitable woman!

I've got 4 in this age group. Youngest ds is still single but seems to have a hectic social life meeting his friends, eating out and sports. 3 late teen foster sons are all about sports. Eldest almost 20 is at Uni and had a few gf but since he broke up from ltgf none of the dates have lasted for more than about a month. They all play in football and cricket teams and have training nights for both plus all go to gym 3 or 4 times each week. They meet friends and eat out, go bowling, visit cinema and a small amount of gaming.

Are the young men married with homes (those that are under 30) living far from London?

ds’s friends who stayed locally are all paired up and buying homes. Ds and his London friends are all renting and, rather than being footloose and fancy free, are actually a bit desperate!

Ds and his two flatmates have pretty decent jobs (not finance ££££ bros) and are fine looking (!) but dates are pretty thin on the ground. They are normal fellows - no drugs, toxicity etc but being Mr Average doesn’t seem to win fair lady.

Mine has just moved back home, after being with his now ex girlfriend for 3 years and buying a house together not 2 months ago 😢, she decided she no longer wanted to be with him. Devastated for him!

If they really can't find anyone - they could consider immigrating to mining towns in Canada or Australia. Honestly, big mines have lots of men - many well educated!

My DS is currently living/working in London, and says the "decent" women are thin on the ground, most have been taken.

He spent a couple of years working in York and said there were a lot more "suitable" women around there.

Maybe more "decent" men are working in London compared to fewer "decent" women, hence a shortage??

Neither he nor his flatmates are "desperate" so aren't really active in finding women and are happy doing their own thing, i.e. a pub night once per week, watching sports on the telly, going to the gym, going to the odd football match on a Saturday afternoon etc. I don't think any of them go "clubbing" at all.

I think writing ‘BECAUSE I WANT A HUSBAND’ across the via application isn’t likely to be massively appealing to immigration in Australia or Canada.

😀

40 years ago I started Uni on a 7 year course
by mid 20s we were all just out and starting our careers and enjoying having a bit of money

No one I know from my Uni years got into long term relationships until their very late 20s. Many never did because they’d lived as singles for a relatively long time and liked it

A few friends from school who started work age 16 or 18 settled down in long term relationships earlier

Whilst not universal I’ve noticed amongst my friends 7 years after starting work people are making that decision about relationships and kids
So for an 18 yr old age 25 is the average
For a 21 yr old it’s 28ish
and for people like me it’s early 30s
( as I said this is my cohort )

But the longer people are single whilst studying the more likely they are to not bother hooking up long term.

My 27 year old (working long hours, likes a drink and to socialise with his mates) has been in a couple of longer term relationships. He has been with his current girlfriend for three years.

My 24 year old (also working, very quiet, almost teetotal, goes to the gym most days) has never had a long-term relationship and his last girlfriend was two years ago. He's not into pubs or clubbing and has tried different dating apps without much success. If a girl appears to be interested, he knows they'll be "chatting to several men" at the same time and it rarely translates into a date so he's given up.

DS is 31.
Been with his fiance 6 years, got engaged last Summer
Bought a house just before Christmas.
They both work full time. He's very happy
I'm so proud of the man he's become

Married with children.

That's really interesting @greenteaandlimes . I wonder why there are so many more women ?

I think the best approach is keep your friendship group and activities as wide as possible and talk to everyone.

Definitely

Mine both bought homes at 24 and 27 but in Yorkshire.

G’day Aussie government - I wanna be some Mining Bruce’s Sheila - so could ya let me in?!

When you've experienced childhood sexual abuse (as I have) it very much feels like you're giving a part of yourself/your soul to someone....so I couldn't have just had meaningless no strings sex....it just didn't work like that for me.....

I’m sorry that happened to you. I am also a survivor of CSA. What I can’t do are smears or pelvic exams — when I had a mirena coil I had to have an anaesthetic. I delivered my son by CS. Sex has always been more or less straightforward, though I hate being touched, and hate dentist and hairdresser appointments, but we all deal differently. 💐

Mine is 24 and has been dating his girlfriend for 4.5 years who he met at university (they are both getting their masters this year). They have been living together about a year.

I worry more about my DS being a target for gold diggers. He's just about to buy a house, outright for cash, having inherited from two sets of grandparents.

My sons are 28 and 30. They are both single professionals, earning well and living in London. I don’t know where you live but dating seems very different in the big cities…

My eldest is energetic, exuberant, fun-loving, enjoys new experiences and is VERY attractive but does also love his job. He has had 3-4 serious relationships over the years and definitely doesn’t sleep around. He is a sex in a relationship kinda guy but does love a snog in a club 🤣 He earns well and would be such a catch but he just hasn’t found the right one yet. The last girl he fell for was a few years older (32) and although she was happy going out with him and sleeping together, 6-8 months later she still didn’t want to progress things beyond that and wouldn’t even agree to be his ‘girlfriend’. As he said to me, he knows he wants marriage and kids and doesn’t feel he’s got time to waste if she doesn’t want anything more. He adored her but felt he could have stuck around for another year and things could still be the same 😔

The youngest is a journalist and never works standard hours. His shifts are all over the place and that’s really not helped his love life bless him.
He’s clever, witty and soooo funny. He has the softest heart and is very loyal. Everyone adores him! He’s so interesting too and has a huge amount of knowledge about current affairs due to his job, however he’s always ready to listen to others and understand other points of view. He’s 6ft 3, however he is carrying a few extra pounds (not fat by any means). In London particularly, appearance seems to everything so I just don’t feel girls give him a chance.

They’ve both said the dating apps are awful and they’d rather just meet someone out and about but they’ve also said so many girls in London don’t seem to want a serious relationship until they’re in their 30s nowadays 🤷🏻‍♀️

Reading this back I think maybe I should write their dating app bios. Might be my only chance of grandchildren at this rate! 🤣

Sounds like women have very poor opinion of men and men have a very poor opinion of women.