Mothers of straight young men 25-35YO - what are your boys up to?

[SleepRelay]

Asking for DD (26) and at least 3 of her girlfriends… All good, beautiful, smart, professional young women with family values, none can find love. Men spend a few weeks wooing them, get what they were after and ghost them immediately or come up with some story why it would not work. One is still a virgin as she has seen enough of that and does not to “waste” it. Occasionally, they meet men through work or social contacts, but mostly on dating apps.

She came home last night and started a serious conversation about freezing her eggs.

So, my question is where are the decent, working, respectful young men? They are not in gyms, mine is full of much older or much younger. What are your boys saying about dating scene? Are they on apps? Sorry about the rambling, I just would like to know what it’s like on the other side.

I feel you @SleepRelay and I'm 40 years older than your DD and her friends. This has always been an issue for well-educated professional women. Men are hopeless. The ones who want to settle down wait till their mid thirties and then find a 20 year old. They can't cope with their contemporaries.

Young women who want to have a bit of fun in their 20s, get their degrees and establish their careers face - tumbleweed. Men can't cope with clever women who are their equals.

Middle class/professional women who marry are lucky, not anything else. - they're not superior, just lucky. Or they drop their standards.

Men get away with being Pete Pan in a way that women can't. The press & public opinion about women not having children etc etc are the same now as it was when I was in my 20s in the early 1990s. It's always the woman's fault - never the issue with these Peter Pan men.

DS1 is 33 & met his wife at work. They were friends first, then were both single & started dating.
DS2 is 32, he has ASD & learning difficulties. Friendly affable chap though, has female friends.
DS3 is 30, he lives with his girlfriend. They met socially, both like going to gigs & raves.
DS4 is 27, he is single. I think he’s in a similar position to your DD, OP. He would like a girlfriend, but hasn’t met the woman for him since his last relationship ended about 2 years ago. He works hard, plays golf, goes out with his mates, goes to the gym. Not sure about whether he’s on dating apps - I suspect DDs might be more open with their Mums about this sort of things than DSs!

My two are 26 and 27.

Both have been in relationships with their partners since age 16. Each left home at 18 to live with them.

Both own homes, have professional careers.

@ExOptimist no they don’t have loads of one night stands, they are just having a great life without partners- some of them haven’t had sex, so what. Doesn’t mean they are addicted to porn!!

Honestly reading some of the sexiest comments on here men really do have to be careful who they hook up with

So perhaps it’s no wonder there are less men out there looking and preferring a free and single life…..good for them I’m thinking.

All the good men in my life were snapped up before the age of 21! Married with kids long before 35.

Whilst these men are gaming and onto hobbies, these potential gf are working, poss trying to get on at work AND if they want children have a limited time frame to do that. Plenty of people on MN who are TTC in their 30s. Good if you are not on a career path you can have children in your 20s. Men of course can procreate in their 50s/60s and older with their 3rd or 4th wife or latest gf.

men really do have to be careful who they hook up with

One would ideally be careful about choosing their sexual partner regardless of their sex.

it’s no wonder there are less men out there looking and preferring a free and single life…..good for them

Men choosing to be "free and single" for whatever reason is not an issue, provided that they do not espouse the so-called "manosphere" ideologies, specifically "Men Who Go Their Own Way" in this case.

I'm just a little younger than you, but this isn't my experience at all.

Nor is it the experience of the next generation in our extended family, or their friends, or the dc of my friends.

Gaming wonderful not.
Not out there playing sport and keeping fit or going for a run?

DS is 25, he met his exGF at cadets and they broke up 18 months ago when he discovered she had been messaging a guy she worked with in an inappropriate manner. They had been together since 17.

His mates made him join Hinge . He has now been dating a lovely woman for 10 months and they are moving in together when she finishes her Masters. They both play a team sport, though different sports, he has actually helped out with her team and they all love him. Among his friends who are between 24 and 30 all of them except two have girlfriends and all long term. Those two are nice lads but massive nerds and a bit shy.

I have high hopes for DS and his GF they have one thing that reminds me of DH and I, they are playmates and make each other laugh. They are both very ambitious and real grafters. She grew up on a farm and her Grandad had DS herding cows the first time he went to the farm. Her family are brilliant and we have met up with them three times already. You can see why she is such a great person having met them.

@ParmaVioletTea I agree with you. I dumped a couple of wonderful young men in my early twenties as I wanted to be “free” . I loved them but felt I needed to prove something.

A big mistake

I had a good job in the City and unfortunately found that many men in their late twenties /early thirties had no intention of settling down and if they had relationships, it was with EXTREMELY beautiful women ( not just averagely attractive).

As a result many women just settled for “they’ll do” in their early thirties because they wanted children. A lot of my friends remained single for all of their thirties as they refused to compromise.

Mine is unfortunately in a toxic relationship that he is struggling to leave. GF has severe mental health problems and self-harms, threatens suicide if he leaves.
Yes, I know it’s unlikely she will do so but he is in the classic FOG situation.

It’s definitely my experience and that of three of my friends.

Well, it was my experience and that of about half a dozen of my friends. All high flyers and nice people. Not necessarily beautiful but attractive personalities and kind.

We used to say that if we were men, we’d have women lining up to go out with us. It didn’t work the other way round in the 90s and it seems that 30 years later, it’s still the same.

@ParmaVioletTeaDid your friends eventually find love later in life/go on to have children?

@ParmaVioletTea But I hear from young (and older!) men saying that women want the moon on a stick - only tall men, only high earners etc thereby eliminating loads of nice men. Obviously if you’re aiming for “Finance Guy, Six Foot Five” as the song goes, then the field is going to be competitive!

Snap @EverardDeTroyes 😂 except in female dominated nhs so can't understand why my two youngest never have girlfriends, they are good looking, great with little kids, kind, polite, plenty money as had inheritances ...........but upstairs on computers (one surrounded by warhammer the other with books)🤷
Eldest lives abroad and does finally have a partner but is over 40 and neither want children, ive given up hope of bei g a grandma (not verbalised that to any of them of course). A friend of mines daughter gave up looking at 40 and had a baby by IVF on her own.

Thank you for your replies. Plenty to digest, and I agree that it’s too early to worry.

What an odd post. I don't see why you need to assign 'fault' in this way. It's okay for women to focus on their careers in prime childbearing years, I don't understand what you think men are doing wrong.

I think it's more the case that some women are more happy than others to put a hold on career to settle down. I don't think it's men's 'fault' that they are the ones they pick to marry.

@TonTonMacoute
I think violet was referring accurately to the 1990s amongst high earners.
It was definitely the case in the City (square mile) at that time

I know, yuck. Like it's nothing to do with her own pleasure and exploration, more a 'gift' to bestow.
Ew indeed.

Mine are both in long term relationships, (one meet his online and the other met his through work), both have ordinary type jobs, one has a house with his partner and plan to marry next year, the other lives at home still but is saving for a house with his partner. It does seem harder for the younger generation to meet people these days

'virginity' is nonsense anyway
Vaginal penetration is not the only way to have sex.

How interesting that your daughter and her friends can’t find boyfriends and yet it’s the fault of other women’s sons for not being good enough, rather than your daughter falling short.

Everyone in that age range who are in healthy relationships are in those relationships because they actually like their partners. They enjoy being with each other and sharing their lives. The “relationship” comes second.

It sounds like your daughter is looking for someone who has what she wants, not someone who is what she wants. Instead of trying to find “a relationship”, she should be looking for someone she enjoys being with.

Although I agree with some other posters about her comments about freezing her eggs at 25, having “family values” and friends who are proud virgins isn’t exactly translating as her being eligible. What are family values, exactly? If she’s hoping to find someone who’ll be happy to go out to work and earn all the money while she sits at home with the oven on, I think she’ll be waiting a while…