Mothers of straight young men 25-35YO - what are your boys up to?

[SleepRelay]

Asking for DD (26) and at least 3 of her girlfriends… All good, beautiful, smart, professional young women with family values, none can find love. Men spend a few weeks wooing them, get what they were after and ghost them immediately or come up with some story why it would not work. One is still a virgin as she has seen enough of that and does not to “waste” it. Occasionally, they meet men through work or social contacts, but mostly on dating apps.

She came home last night and started a serious conversation about freezing her eggs.

So, my question is where are the decent, working, respectful young men? They are not in gyms, mine is full of much older or much younger. What are your boys saying about dating scene? Are they on apps? Sorry about the rambling, I just would like to know what it’s like on the other side.

I'm sure he's great but unless those four relationships overlapped (a lot) they weren't long term? Or am I missing something?

@ExOptimist
Can you not accept that everyone is different? He has hobbies, he’s just not interested in a relationship, he’s very independent, just lives in same house; does his own cooking cleaning etc Maybe he will move out when he sees fit not when ppl like you assume he should.

You can be a gamer and not be obsessed with it.

Lots of people who are out and about, playing sports, taking part in hobbies or volunteering, going out with mates at the weekend, also game.

It's not exactly "new".

Young people have been meeting partners at University since Universities started admitting women.

Also, it is a prime age to be mingling with thousands of new people. How can you say that isn't playing the field or exploring life.
Lots of people try new things at University - not just the studying, but all the activities on offer. It is also (for many) a chance to push the boat out of their comfort zone and, for some, to reinvent themselves completely.

Plus, the years you are at University, you don't only meet people who are also attending University. Most students go and live in a new place in a different part of the country. Often a new City. Many will meet people at work, when they are earning - either colleagues or customers. Some will meet friends or siblings of flatmates or course mates when they come and stay. Some join sports teams or groups in their new Ciy which are nothing to do with the University.

My 28 yo ds is in the Raf. Very good looking, gsoh, brought up to treat women properly. Has hobbies & is focusing on saving for a house deposit. Seems happy as he is, but I do worry as he gets older, if he'll be all alone. Wish he could meet a nice girl...

I'm sure it is harder now, but if it makes her feel a bit better, a group of my friends and I were in the same boat at age 26 (20 plus years ago!) so I don't think it's entirely a new problem. We're all married now except for one. I met my DH by age 27 through mutual friends and it was a slow burn - we were friends for about a year first. On paper we have hardly anything in common so I never would have found him on online dating (no apps then!) because he would have been ruled out for multiple reasons that I now realise were stupid. He was also very shy back then so he was never going to hit on me in a nightclub. He works in a male dominated industry and is keen on very "blokish" things that I don't care for but it works because we now have enough shared interests (food, music and the outdoors) and very similar values on important things like money and family.
Places I could have met him back then were park run, hardware store or hunting and fishing store, live sports events, live music - although I would have to have approached him.
I think the best approach is keep your friendship group and activities as wide as possible and talk to everyone.

My husband is 35 and married with a 6 y/o and 3 y/o. Very common in our circle but we have been in long term relationships for 8-10+ years at age 34. None of us found partners/husbands on apps. Through work, friends and even bars but I know that’s leas the done thing now

Me and my friends who have decent men met them in our teens at uni/ through friends. One of our guy friends broke up with his lovely girlfriend at 25, regretted it and now is nearly 40, dating women who aren’t really into “commitment”.

I've got 3 DS in that age group. Oldest is getting married in a few months to a sweetheart he has been with for 10 years met in last years of scchool; 2nd 28yo single ; 25 yo lawyer living with gorgeous lawyer.(only mention as they met at uni ( on exchange to the UK)

You’re right! I meant long term for a young person!

GF 1 was 16-18
GF2 was 18-22
GF3 was 22-23
GF4 23 to date

DH is 33, his mum was horrified when he chose to settle down with me, divorced with two children (I had a career, my own home and a lovely relationship with ex-DH). He was very eligible, we met on an app. He is lovely, hardworking and feminist. We both have professional careers and are busy raising our family, soon to be 4DC

@MissyB1 similar with my son. 29 had a very bad breakup at university and zero since. He has a good job he owns a flat. He has friends all of whom are single. He says no girls like him he doesn’t know why. He says because he is short girls on apps disregard him. Obviously this isn’t true for everyone and really is a reflection of how he feels about himself. He says anyone he knows met their girlfriend s at university and he missed out on that. Of course I’m his mum so I think he’s perfect but I really do wish he could meet someone . I try to talk to him but obviously as his mum it’s a bit tricky.

My boys 25 and 27 both met fantastic girls at uni. They are both still with these girls , stayed together through thick and thin...
I believe they will marry in the next few years.
They left university with decent degrees and found careers. They have both travelled extensively as well. The boys are great, the girls too.. we as parents couldn't have hoped for more. Don't loose hope, there are lots of decent men out there, the boys friends are similar and some find themselves single.. one of the comments suggested that the girls just get on with having fun, developing their interests and travelling, inevitably they will meet someone without actually looking. My two have always met great people when they have moved to a new town or been travelling. Good luck with the future ❣️

Hi OP, I am 31 and could have been your daughter and her friends when I was 25-26! I met DH when I was 26, and we are now 31 (me) and 37 (him) with a 5 month old DD.

I feel like some of the posters saying that she needs to stop worrying and just enjoy travelling etc are being a bit dismissive. It is really distressing when you are in the thick of dating hell and feeling like nobody decent is interested in you, and while travel is obviously brilliant and fulfilling for some young people, others would rather be prioritising their time/money towards settling down and starting families etc and that’s absolutely okay too (btw I do fully realise that you can still travel while married/with kids, but personally I am struggling to in the COL crisis- so it has been a ‘one or the other’ choice for me and DH unfortunately 😂) It’s also worth mentioning that we did need IVF despite me being 29 when we started TTC with no known pre existing issues- so I definitely don’t think she is being silly in thinking about her fertility either and being mindful of timescales there, although of course it is still more likely than not that she has a good few years before she really needs to worry!

I think I was on all the apps for years on and off and had every bad experience going from them. What worked for me in the end was trying eharmony instead! (I promise I don’t work for them- just a very grateful customer 😂) Obviously it’s still OLD but I think a lot of the time wasters are weeded out because of the expense. It was about £70 for six months’ membership when I joined about 5 years ago, so not prohibitive, but enough money that you would probably just use one of the free apps if all you wanted was a causal thing. It also shows you likely matches based on a personality quiz rather than swiping, which was great for me as it made me look at men who I may not have considered on the apps but actually had a lot to offer and were compatible with me.

The other thing is that there is an age difference of 6 years between me and DH, and I do think this is key- if I think about my male friends, they divide quite sharply into those who were ready to settle down quite young and those (like my DH) who were nowhere near ready for all that until 30+. As PPs have said, a lot of the first group meet wives/partners at school/college/university, so realistically your DD is probably needing to look at the second group. When I met DH, most of the single men I met who were my own age were quite clear that they wouldn’t want to think about marriage/kids for several years yet, whereas for men 30+ (DH was 33) it was quite a different story. We moved in together after 6 months and got engaged after a year, which might seem too fast for some, but things can move a lot quicker when you meet closer to 30 as you know what you do/don’t want and are so clear in your life goals by then!

I hope she’s okay and wish her/her friends lots of luck- if it provides any further reassurance, pretty much all my friends are married or engaged now, and I would say slightly more met their partners after the age of 25 than at university 🙂

My second Ds in this age group, he got married at 30 two years ago. Saving for a house while living in a nice rental. No plans for kids, they go to the gym, and go overnight to places like Manchester and Liverpool for gigs. Annual Holiday in Europe sunny places and do weekend trips as a city break, Amsterdam last time.
They had been together since they were 24. Met at a party.
Older one is now out of your age range but married last year, together 10 years. Own a house, don't go abroad, like lots of short holidays around the UK, planning on one child, but not yet, she's a bit younger than him. Met through online dating.

Disagree. No point giving it away to some random shithead

Similar with 1.

Shy, sensitive, loves animals, avoids drinking and parties.

But you're not 'giving' anything away to anyone. You're just having sex.

What this thread tells me is that the vast majority of young men have met someone and are in long term relationships by their mid to late 20s.

It's true of both my boys, 28 and 30 and all of their friends that I know of.
The younger one is a nature loving introvert who was late to finding the right girl but he got there eventually.

I can't believe I'm thinking this, it's a bit Pride & Prejudice but maybe playing the field and avoiding commitment in your 20s risks narrowing the field of good young men? At this point you may be looking at those who are older and divorced, introverts or late to mature?

You're not 'giving it away'. You're having sex with someone. It's not a prize, and having sex with a virgin shouldn't be held up as some sort of special treat. Sex is a thing for two people to enjoy, not a magical gift to be bestowed by women upon men.

It's this shite that fetishises virginity. It's misogynistic.

Plenty of them in my running group. We've had a few couples meet and a few now married over the years.

I think it’s largely down to numbers, OP.
If we have approx 4.7m men aged 25-35 in the UK. Minus 4% LGB, that leaves 4.5m straight men 25-35.
For women, there are 5.2m, minus 3.4% LGB, leaving 5m straight women aged 25-35. (Also more men are purely homosexual than women rather than bisexual, but I’ll ignore that for present purposes.)
So there’s a gap of approx 500,000, half a million, more straight women in that age group than straight men. (All numbers from Office for National Statistics,2024.)

THEN factor in how many of these men have behaviours & attitudes that render them unsuitable for a healthy long-term relationship/family - misogyny, obsessed with gaming, porn-ruined, use of sex workers/strip clubs, lazy, commitment-phobia, desire to live a single life, violent/controlling towards women, criminal behaviour etc.
I think there are far more men in this category than women - which further widens the gap.
If we said that hypothetically 10% of women have non-relationship/family-conducive attitudes & behaviour, and say 20% of men, that leaves 4.5m women and 3.6m men - a gap of 900,000, almost 1m more relationship/family-suitable straight women age 25-35 than equivalent men.

Also there’s the fact that women generally can improve their appearance, just through make-up, hair etc (I don’t mean to the extent of plastic surgery) whereas men are stuck being not tall enough or balding or with piggy eyes.

Dh’s friend had a date and they agreed to meet for a drink outside a pub. Dh’s friend watched a Nissan Micra twice circle the car park before driving off. The date then messaged to say he was short.

And the third just aren’t interested

All categories are the same for women too

Nothing wrong with being happy in yourself and living a single life

Wow
how nasty !