To refuse Hs attempt at sex at 6.30 on a week day morning when High School DC about to wake in their nearby rooms

[NobodysGirl]

I get up at 6.30 and get breakfast and stuff for DC to leave at 7.30 (High school), their alarm goes at 6.30 too and rarely they do saunter in if the door were unlocked- but even otherwise the rooms are all close by and they would be up and about and this is more embarrassing now that they are grown and would easily have guessed.

Found it disgusting and a turn off and annoyed with H

Especially as he knew I would have been willing after they had left for a lie in as we both wfh and have the whole place to ourselves and full privacy till late evening when they are back.

Is this a fetish that emerges in couples in 40s and 50s to pounce and try it on at inappropriate times? Does it keep men from getting bored to be risque than safe.

Not having it.

Empathetic - thinking through the situation - preferring to jump to the OP is being wrong and silly rather than thinking about why she might not want to have sex within earshot of her teens when she has early morning routine to follow and would be happy to engage in a couple of hours.

What time in the morning, is it when the kids would be expecting to see you at the breakfast counter etc

Do your kids get their own breakfast, mine are a bit spoiled I guess, as rarely get toast themselves and always beg for a hot breakfast , even if it is just some fried egg with the toast. Cereal haters.

If OP's in an abusive relationship then that's vital context which needs to be given, ideally within the slightly nuanced setting of the Relationships board and certainly not on AIBU.

You can refuse it for any reason and it’s not unreasonable.

No. Querying why she implied that her DH had a fetish for trying to initiate morning sex with his DW while they were both in the same bed. That’s a perfectly normal occurrence

LOL, thank you, that was my first and only belly laugh of the day

I’d be completely turned off by the idea that my kids could guess I was having sex but that’s just me personally.

Expect sex puts a different tone on it.

I'm sorry, I disagree with most of the responses. It's disrespectful to the children - do they want to hear their parents having sex? No. So why can't that be thought of and taken into consideration? Would we all be happy to hear our older teens having sex in their bedrooms if we were around ? (I know I wouldn't). The OP said she was happy to have sex when they were out the door. And also, the OP had a routine of helping the kids in the morning get sorted for school. Was the DH not aware of that? He would have been, so he should have thought of that too. The problem is he wakes up with his erection and oh my goodness the whole world has to stop so that that can be catered to. 100% agree with the OP. Wouldn't call it a 'fetish' but it's still weird not to care about these things.

Some people think that is prudish in itself - I am reminded of that after the responses here.

Even if my marriage were extremely happy, I don't think my view on this will / would have changed - hard to say

I agree with you that this was the wrong time to have sex.

There is no way I would have sex knowing that my teenage DD could walk in.

But your reaction seems quite extreme - like you feel he was doing it purposely and that is quite shocking.

You’re either being OTT or you genuinely think that your DH is some pervert that gets off on his DDs hearing or seeing their parents have sex.

Thank you, yes fetish wrong word - controlling and enjoying it better when there is an element of control being exercised as one PP said, maybe.

Because when you are in a relationship that is not great and every day there are arguments and disagreements you can struggle to see the wood for the trees. If you are being gaslit on a daily basis its hard to know if you are being unreasonable or not in a specific incident. Yes context is important but sometimes taking something out of context can be useful.

we do not have DD, only DS.

Do I think he did it on purpose , no , more like he didnt care.

Thank you

Yet you've seemed to have repeatedly missed in the many posts on your thread, that saying no to sex is not the issue in what you've posted. Anyone can say no all they want. It's their right.

It's calling him a deviant because of it is what people are pointing out that's weird.

FFS 🙄

It doesn’t matter at all though if others have a different opinion on this. It’s never unreasonable to not want to have sex if you don’t want to. The more important issue might be whether you ever want to have sex with him at other times. Your phrasing here (and other thread) do suggest not. Get out of this marriage and go and be happy.

maybe we are prudes but I’m in the same boat I’d rather just wait until the house was empty seeing as that was going to be the case later in the morning .Thank goodness I was never subjected to that by my parents either I have to say .

I don't normally reference other threads when replying, but given you've mentioned it here I've just read your posts on that other thread - just yours, none of the responses.

You talk about how you nearly left him a few years ago and after he begged you not to you had a period of a few years which were good but you let them slip away because you were "too depressed about not being allowed to leave as I thought there was a better life out there that I could not see the wood for the forest.".

You also say in the OP in that thread that you have had one foot out of the door and been emotionally distant for years.

You call him narcissistic and emotionally abusive for being "grumpy and disgruntled and unhappy" and not quite contributing 50:50 to household decisions, but you have not given any concrete examples of anything that is actually abusive or narcissistic behaviour.

People telling you to LTB on that thread were taking you at your word that he behaved that way, even without specifics that evidence it, because this is Mumsnet where there is a tendency to whole heartedly support a woman who says that she is being abused - especially on the relationships board. In most cases this is not a bad thing at all - however, in your case, I think it has done you a disservice, especially in light of this thread.

On this thread where you have accused him of having a fetish and got angry at him simply for suggesting sex at a time you deem inappropriate and you have been almost unanimously told that your reaction is hyperbolic to the situation.

Taking these two threads together, I suspect this is not the first time you have reacted in an OTT way to something he has done that is fairly innocuous and given, by your own admission you have been emotionally checked out of the relationship for years is it any wonder that your husband is grumpy, disgruntled and unhappy?

I would like to hear his side of the story of all of this, because based on your posts and your own words alone - there is someone in the relationship that is emotionally abusive, and it isn't your husband!

I walked in unfortunately on my parents in the middle of the night once when I was 13 , was traumatised for a few weeks lol !

Luckily did not see any skin as old school fumbling under the sheets.

Not sexy at all to do it when they are up and about and can hear or sense. I am mum sometimes even still 'mummy' when they are around.

Its bizarre of him to expect sex from you...a quickie or not ..when the kids are next door and could walk in on you.
He knows what hes doing.
And you did the best thing to tell him 'No'!
I think all guys have a morning erection because thats how they wake up. Its not fair on you to expect you to adore it when you've got to get up.
He knows, as well as the rest of mankind that he just needs to urinate and the erection will be deflated.
I am amazed at the number of sexually compliant women who would jump into action just for a morning erection!
Or so they say in this forum .

I'm tired in the evening and when it's time for bed, prefer to sleep! During the week, we don't have time for morning sex, but weekends absolutely! I prefer morning sex to nighttime. My son is 15, has the bathroom/airing cupboard between our room and his. He's usually fast asleep anyway on a weekend morning, so he's unlikely to hear.

You can refuse sex for whatever reason you want. However, your husband isn't weird for wanting morning sex with you! It's not some odd 40+ fetish! If you find the thought of morning sex uncomfortable, then tell him that nighttime is better or if in the daytime, you'd prefer your teenagers to be out.

Your teens are more than capable of getting their own drinks and breakfast. One of them is nearly a grown man.

Your husband wasn't disrespectful to you, sounds like you were very disrespectful to him though.

FWIW if my partner ever got angry at me for desiring him and accused me of having a fetish for wanting a morning quickie, I'd be leaving him! If this is typical of how you speak to your husband you definitely should be getting a divorce.