Page 6 | To refuse Hs attempt at sex at 6.30 on a week day morning when High School DC about to wake in their nearby rooms

NobodysGirl · 2026-03-27T13:30:55+00:00

I get up at 6.30 and get breakfast and stuff for DC to leave at 7.30 (High school), their alarm goes at 6.30 too and rarely they do saunter in if the door were unlocked- but even otherwise the rooms are all close by and they would be up and about and this is more embarrassing now that they are grown and would easily have guessed. Found it disgusting and a turn off and annoyed with H Especially as he knew I would have been willing after they had left for a lie in as we both wfh and have the whole place to ourselves and full privacy till late evening when they are back. Is this a fetish that emerges in couples in 40s and 50s to pounce and try it on at inappropriate times? Does it keep men from getting bored to be risque than safe. Not having it.

BloominNora · 27/03/2026 15:15

And for goodness sake, do your future daughter in laws (or son in laws) a favour and start making your near adult offspring sort themselves out in the morning. At the age of 15 and 17 (or 17 and 17+ - as per your other thread - not sure which one is the typo), they really shouldn't be relying on mummy to make them a hot breakfast and get them ready for school!

Start teaching them some independence!

Gettingbysomehow · 27/03/2026 15:16

ComtesseDeSpair · 27/03/2026 13:47

OP, you have a long thread currently running about your relationship with your husband who you describe as grumpy and always unhappy, and now this thread. Your marriage is over. Neither of you love or even really like each other.

Sounds just like my ex H to be honest. Miserable bastard obsessed with sex at inconvenient times and always grumpy despite me doing everything.

Original poster

NobodysGirl · 27/03/2026 15:16

BloominNora · 27/03/2026 15:11

I don't normally reference other threads when replying, but given you've mentioned it here I've just read your posts on that other thread - just yours, none of the responses.

You talk about how you nearly left him a few years ago and after he begged you not to you had a period of a few years which were good but you let them slip away because you were "too depressed about not being allowed to leave as I thought there was a better life out there that I could not see the wood for the forest.".

You also say in the OP in that thread that you have had one foot out of the door and been emotionally distant for years.

You call him narcissistic and emotionally abusive for being "grumpy and disgruntled and unhappy" and not quite contributing 50:50 to household decisions, but you have not given any concrete examples of anything that is actually abusive or narcissistic behaviour.

People telling you to LTB on that thread were taking you at your word that he behaved that way, even without specifics that evidence it, because this is Mumsnet where there is a tendency to whole heartedly support a woman who says that she is being abused - especially on the relationships board. In most cases this is not a bad thing at all - however, in your case, I think it has done you a disservice, especially in light of this thread.

On this thread where you have accused him of having a fetish and got angry at him simply for suggesting sex at a time you deem inappropriate and you have been almost unanimously told that your reaction is hyperbolic to the situation.

Taking these two threads together, I suspect this is not the first time you have reacted in an OTT way to something he has done that is fairly innocuous and given, by your own admission you have been emotionally checked out of the relationship for years is it any wonder that your husband is grumpy, disgruntled and unhappy?

I would like to hear his side of the story of all of this, because based on your posts and your own words alone - there is someone in the relationship that is emotionally abusive, and it isn't your husband!

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thank you I agree, he does have a side and he has said he is very hurt by many many things I have said and done

That's why I am still here trying , and did not LTB. Yes you're right that posters said that only based on what i told them which is always the case is it not.

Do you think me saying wtf etc to him this morning was emotionally abusive? He said a few things too.

Anyway, thanks this has been useful. He has a side , of course he has. And this thread reminded me he could be with someone who gladly has sex with teens up and about right on the other side of the door on a weekday morning bustling for school.

OP posts:

BoogieTownTop · 27/03/2026 15:17

ImmortalSnowman · 27/03/2026 15:13

Your teens are more than capable of getting their own drinks and breakfast. One of them is nearly a grown man.

Your husband wasn't disrespectful to you, sounds like you were very disrespectful to him though.

FWIW if my partner ever got angry at me for desiring him and accused me of having a fetish for wanting a morning quickie, I'd be leaving him! If this is typical of how you speak to your husband you definitely should be getting a divorce.

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This

Original poster

NobodysGirl · 27/03/2026 15:20

Gettingbysomehow · 27/03/2026 15:16

Sounds just like my ex H to be honest. Miserable bastard obsessed with sex at inconvenient times and always grumpy despite me doing everything.

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:-) , If I had co operated it would have been something else, but I wanted to assess this incident on it's own.

Maybe it is not possible for humans to objectively do that though.

I thought it was cute and romantic what PPs husband said to her - I would not automatically hate on the guy even if he said it to PP, at 630 am with kids on the other side. I think this incident I may have gone overboard instead of just stopping it with a no, by trying to imply perverse control as the reason.

Thanks MN

OP posts:

buttercupblooms · 27/03/2026 15:23

Solost92 · 27/03/2026 13:35

YANBU to decline sex at any time. But morning sex isn't a crime and if you fancied it one morning wouldn't hurt. The high-school kids shouldn't be waltzing in your room in the morning. So long as he wasn't a sulky brat about the rejection I dont think he's done anything wrong. Morning sex certainly isn't a fetish.

I sont see the big deal, just say you'd rather wait till kids have gone to school.

Or lock the door and put the radio on !

Anyahyacinth · 27/03/2026 15:23

DorisTheFinkasaurus · 27/03/2026 14:04

I feel like the odd one out here, OP, and honestly, I can't believe the team DHs on this one. But sex in a house full of teens getting ready in the morning is not how I want to reach orgasm. Call us both crazy. I'm with you all the way, OP.

Me too and I have a lovely well built old house, if this is in a house where you can hear everything I find it off putting too ...why not a quick kiss and hold that thought until the children are off and away to school? Strange

Original poster

NobodysGirl · 27/03/2026 15:23

@ImmortalSnowman , okay agree but I have said a ton of times they should be happy to get cereal and do their own toast - maybe even start frying their own eggs or bacon, or getting fruit

It is husband who is insistent we get them a hot breakfast, iron shirts , drive them to pick up point etc - consistency is then needed no? or we drop it for all days to be less obvious I say.

I would still want to at least see them off when they leave though.Not be having sex when they were walking out the door? cos 730 might be next reasonable time?

OP posts:

Dewdust · 27/03/2026 15:24

I really think you should do exactly whats right for you. All these people sanctimoniously saying they' d happily be rubber dolls or riding cowboy as long as their man could get it up.
Maybe their partners are on viagra but I dont believe that most women would be happy to give him one when he knows his partner ALWAYS gets dressed and downstairs to see the lads out.
Hes just trying to show he's boss.
But its your life. You can decide exactly what you want to do.
I think its selfish and thoughtless of him when he could get happy after the lads had gone out of the house.

buttercupblooms · 27/03/2026 15:25

NobodysGirl · 27/03/2026 15:23

@ImmortalSnowman , okay agree but I have said a ton of times they should be happy to get cereal and do their own toast - maybe even start frying their own eggs or bacon, or getting fruit

It is husband who is insistent we get them a hot breakfast, iron shirts , drive them to pick up point etc - consistency is then needed no? or we drop it for all days to be less obvious I say.

I would still want to at least see them off when they leave though.Not be having sex when they were walking out the door? cos 730 might be next reasonable time?

Then why not discuss it with DH so he knows how you feel?

BloominNora · 27/03/2026 15:25

NobodysGirl · 27/03/2026 15:16

thank you I agree, he does have a side and he has said he is very hurt by many many things I have said and done

That's why I am still here trying , and did not LTB. Yes you're right that posters said that only based on what i told them which is always the case is it not.

Do you think me saying wtf etc to him this morning was emotionally abusive? He said a few things too.

Anyway, thanks this has been useful. He has a side , of course he has. And this thread reminded me he could be with someone who gladly has sex with teens up and about right on the other side of the door on a weekday morning bustling for school.

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Saying no to sex is not emotionally abusive - of course it isn't.

An outright "No" is perfectly acceptable.

Given what you have said in the OP about being up for it if he had waited until the kids had left you could have said "Not right now, I'm not comfortable doing it with the kids around and I need to do their breakfast, but hold that thought for an hour, and I'm all yours" - he probably would have loved that because of the anticipation build up - I know mine would.

But you did neither of those things - you got angry at him and accused him of having a fetish! On it's own it may not be emotionally abusive if it was truly a one off, an out of character reaction and was followed by an apology.

However, alongside your own admitted emotional distance and apparent dislike for him, and your tendency to hyperbole in your descriptions of his behaviour on your other thread, I would assume that this is not the first time you have had that type of angry reaction to something innocuous - in which case it would absolutely be part of an emotionally abusive pattern of behaviour.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 27/03/2026 15:27

NobodysGirl · 27/03/2026 14:56

What time in the morning, is it when the kids would be expecting to see you at the breakfast counter etc

Do your kids get their own breakfast, mine are a bit spoiled I guess, as rarely get toast themselves and always beg for a hot breakfast , even if it is just some fried egg with the toast. Cereal haters.

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At about half 6, they're both at secondary school and more than capable of sorting their own breakfast, including cooking their own eggs.

DiscoCherries · 27/03/2026 15:28

OP I’m with you on this one, 100%. I cannot bear the idea of having sex if there’s a chance the kids are awake / could walk in / hear. Possibly stems from me walking in on my parents mid afternoon when I was 14, I was a naive 14 and I felt sick, I just remember it looked violent to me. I’ll just never do it!! Even the thought of them being awake and hearing the thud thud thud of the headboard, no thank you - nothing turns me off faster than the idea of it!!!

Communication is key here though. I’ve always told DH it’s a no-go for me so he never initiates if the kids could be awake. Fast asleep or an empty house, game on, I can relax. Footsteps coming down the landing - horror show 🤣

TheDenimPoet · 27/03/2026 15:28

Christ, the poor bloke has asked you for sex and you didn't fancy it. Neither of you are being unreasonable for that, unless he's asking you persistently at a time he knows you don't want/like it.

I think your children are old enough to be told not to "saunter" into other people's bedrooms. But if they did and you were having sex, it'd be the last time they did it haha.

You sound really quite odd for making this and for holding your opinions about morning sex.

Original poster

NobodysGirl · 27/03/2026 15:29

BloominNora · 27/03/2026 15:25

Saying no to sex is not emotionally abusive - of course it isn't.

An outright "No" is perfectly acceptable.

Given what you have said in the OP about being up for it if he had waited until the kids had left you could have said "Not right now, I'm not comfortable doing it with the kids around and I need to do their breakfast, but hold that thought for an hour, and I'm all yours" - he probably would have loved that because of the anticipation build up - I know mine would.

But you did neither of those things - you got angry at him and accused him of having a fetish! On it's own it may not be emotionally abusive if it was truly a one off, an out of character reaction and was followed by an apology.

However, alongside your own admitted emotional distance and apparent dislike for him, and your tendency to hyperbole in your descriptions of his behaviour on your other thread, I would assume that this is not the first time you have had that type of angry reaction to something innocuous - in which case it would absolutely be part of an emotionally abusive pattern of behaviour.

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I did say that Nora ...at 6.30 when leaving the bed, wait for an hour till DC gone

I did not say it in a sexy playful way I suppose

I asked angrily why he would choose to wait till worst possible time , it is disrespectful - only after 730

I am not sure I even used the word fetish with him

OP posts:

BloominNora · 27/03/2026 15:31

NobodysGirl · 27/03/2026 15:23

@ImmortalSnowman , okay agree but I have said a ton of times they should be happy to get cereal and do their own toast - maybe even start frying their own eggs or bacon, or getting fruit

It is husband who is insistent we get them a hot breakfast, iron shirts , drive them to pick up point etc - consistency is then needed no? or we drop it for all days to be less obvious I say.

I would still want to at least see them off when they leave though.Not be having sex when they were walking out the door? cos 730 might be next reasonable time?

"It is husband who is insistent we get them a hot breakfast, iron shirts , drive them to pick up point etc - consistency is then needed no? or we drop it for all days to be less obvious I say."

Just tell the boys they need to start sorting out their own stuff. Speak to your husband about how they need to start becoming more independent. If he still insists those things need to be done - then tell him he can crack on, but that you won't be doing it.

(Or at least not every day - I do appreciate that as a parent we sometimes want to spoil our kids)

Luckyingame · 27/03/2026 15:31

Ablondiebutagoody · 27/03/2026 13:37

I'm struck by how loaded your language is. He wanted sex, you didn't, both perfectly reasonable. What's the big deal?

The big deal is probably the OP being repulsed by the whole situation.

SatinPajamas · 27/03/2026 15:32

NobodysGirl · 27/03/2026 15:12

I walked in unfortunately on my parents in the middle of the night once when I was 13 , was traumatised for a few weeks lol !

Luckily did not see any skin as old school fumbling under the sheets.

Not sexy at all to do it when they are up and about and can hear or sense. I am mum sometimes even still 'mummy' when they are around.

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You're kids are teens/nearly adults and they still call you mummy and can't get their own breakfast!?!? Wtf!?

Original poster

NobodysGirl · 27/03/2026 15:33

DiscoCherries · 27/03/2026 15:28

OP I’m with you on this one, 100%. I cannot bear the idea of having sex if there’s a chance the kids are awake / could walk in / hear. Possibly stems from me walking in on my parents mid afternoon when I was 14, I was a naive 14 and I felt sick, I just remember it looked violent to me. I’ll just never do it!! Even the thought of them being awake and hearing the thud thud thud of the headboard, no thank you - nothing turns me off faster than the idea of it!!!

Communication is key here though. I’ve always told DH it’s a no-go for me so he never initiates if the kids could be awake. Fast asleep or an empty house, game on, I can relax. Footsteps coming down the landing - horror show 🤣

Maybe this is a compatibility issue not 'abuse' by either one

OP posts:

Original poster

NobodysGirl · 27/03/2026 15:35

SatinPajamas · 27/03/2026 15:32

You're kids are teens/nearly adults and they still call you mummy and can't get their own breakfast!?!? Wtf!?

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sometimes, rarely but yes sometimes, they do still say 'mummy' not just 'mum' affectionately

They joke about how tiny 'mummy' seems now at 5'2

Yours only say 'mother' 'mum' mater' ?

OK no mummy making breakfast anymore then, I am going to sleep in, ....in the guest room :-)

OP posts:

Anyahyacinth · 27/03/2026 15:35

BloominNora · 27/03/2026 15:15

And for goodness sake, do your future daughter in laws (or son in laws) a favour and start making your near adult offspring sort themselves out in the morning. At the age of 15 and 17 (or 17 and 17+ - as per your other thread - not sure which one is the typo), they really shouldn't be relying on mummy to make them a hot breakfast and get them ready for school!

Start teaching them some independence!

If you listen to OP ...this is her husband's preference not hers

WhatAMarvelousTune · 27/03/2026 15:37

NobodysGirl · 27/03/2026 14:52

Nothing really that should change the question - are men reasonable to expect sex when teens getting ready for school (they will know why its suddenly locked and I am not up and about fixing hot drinks, breakfast etc)

Maybe we should stop getting up all days to make it less obvious. I doubt he would be okay with me lying in all days and letting them get their own bfast and things either tho. Id be lazy then.

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No one is ever reasonable to “expect” sex.

Your late-teen children shouldn’t be wondering why mum isn’t making their breakfast though, as a totally separate issue!

SatinPajamas · 27/03/2026 15:40

NobodysGirl · 27/03/2026 15:35

sometimes, rarely but yes sometimes, they do still say 'mummy' not just 'mum' affectionately

They joke about how tiny 'mummy' seems now at 5'2

Yours only say 'mother' 'mum' mater' ?

OK no mummy making breakfast anymore then, I am going to sleep in, ....in the guest room :-)

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Yeah that's weird.

My daughter is 2 so not comparable but I've never heard anyone over the ages of 8 call their mum mummy and it normally sound creepy.

Rokabe · 27/03/2026 15:43

One 17 year old and one 17+ year old really shouldn’t need any involvement from you to get them out the door

side issue though. In fact this entire issue is a a side issue. To what you have previously outlined as a horror show of a marriage

Twattergy · 27/03/2026 15:44

OP I agree that time of day with a teen in the house is NOT a sexy time of day for me. Would not be able to relax. Which is annoying as I do like morning sex but just not when there is clearly my teenager in proximity.