AIBU to expect my wife and stepson’s wife to attend my daughter’s baby shower?

[ThamesmeadHammer]

To expect my wife to go to my daughter's baby shower?

Wife and I been together for 31 years, both had a child from previous relationships who happen to be the same age.

We decided to leave the UK and move to Italy, along with my stepson, his wife and their baby.

My daughter has been through the wringer trying to get pregnant for years and there was a fear that she may never have a child.
Her step brother - wife's DS - and his wife fell pregnant and had a beautiful baby and all her friends have had babies.

This really knocked the stuffing out of her and affected her mental health.

Thankfully DD fell pregnant and is expecting a girl in a few months. I was absolutely over the moon and was everyone else.

A baby shower has been arranged for her but my wife isn't going nor is my stepsons wife - despite me and my wife flying back a few weeks before.

Daughter is extremely upset and doesn't want to see them at all, said that I let her down by not standing up to my wife for not going.

I was really disappointed with my wife, after all she has been a step mum to my daughter.

Haven't confronted my wife over this, I feel outnumbered by her, her son and his wife.

BTW - I am struggling to have any kind of relationship with my wife, Stepson and his family - I'm like "do whatever you want, I'm not interested" . There is a lot more to the backstory of all the relationships.

Jesus! Your poor wife. A baby shower isn’t worth a flight AND a 45 minute drive. She’s said that she’ll celebrate with daughter when you visit. Is Daughter clear on that? Maybe you could stop being a massive sulky baby and say to your wife ‘daughter is a bit upset you’re not going to the baby shower. Maybe you could message her and make a plan to do a proper celebration just the 2 of you when we’re visiting. perhaps book an afternoon tea or something?’

I don't think so actually. On the contrary, from what I understand, OP is supporting the SS and wife whom he is living with. DD is apart from them in a different country, and I can see why, if OP really is supporting the SS, he might feel the wife could make a bit of an effort if it matters to the DD. People keep going on about a flight but let's be honest, the sky is full of people shuttling back and forth for as little as a suntan top-up.

......................but my wife made such a massive effort for my stepson's wife's one

That's because they live in the same house!

I bet your wife wouldn't have schlepped halfway across Europe to attend her DIL's baby shower.

I was really disappointed with my wife, after all she has been a step mum to my daughter.

It's your daughter you should be disappointed with.

She could do something with you & your wife whilst you are there but chooses not to.

30 years ago in the U.K. they weren’t all female because they didn’t exist at all. I had a baby 30 years ago and it just wasn’t a thing here. I imagine even now it is it will have different traditions from in (presumably) the US

They are flying back a few weeks before the shower not specifically for .the shower .

No updates say will be flying back a few weeks before and could again for the baby shower as can be done in a day. It’s a hell of an ask!

It took me 5 years to concieve and I would not have expected anyone to fly to my baby shower.

No, these adults do not have to attend your daughter's pointless "Baby shower".
YABU.
Wouldn't see me for dust.

Expecting people to travel far for a baby shower is unreasonable. It's perfectly acceptable for someone who isn't physically close to make arrangements to see the mum-to-be separately when she is in the vicinity. This is especially true if the other guests at the shower are unlikely to be people she knows well so there's no reunion aspect to it.

OP and wife have been together 31 years, so a lot of co-parenting has likely taken place of each other's (now adult) kids. Why is OP's dw missing the mark here? Surely she understands she is considered very close family by her step daughter? It really should be seen as an honour to be wanted there, especially since it was a difficult journey for mother-to-be. Is it possible DW is pre-occupied by her father's health? Are de and OP's daughter not as close - is some info missing here? OP has indicated flying in/out isn't really an issue; a 45 min drive is nothing; so maybe there's a bit more to it?

If I understand correctly, you're living in Italy near your stepson and his family and are expected to act like a caring stepdad and grandad, whilst your wife can't even be bothered to attend a baby shower for your daughter?

If that's correct then I'm not surprised your daughter is hurt. She is being treated as a second class citizen in her own family.

I have a stepfamily and my relationship with my dad would definitely suffer in this situation.

It's even worse - the step son is an abusive alcoholic that his mum has to placate, he and the DIL and kid live with and are financially supported by the OP and his wife,.. I think the DD getting angry with her dad for not "standing up" to his wife run deeper than just the baby shower.

Apart from the fact that they live abroad (time cost etc)? And that the step-SIL is very loosely connected? And that a baby shower is a made-up 'thing'? Lovely if close friends and family want to join in, but beyond that...?????

I do too.

And when they are all being supported by the OP - who has left his DD to relocate to where they are - the fact she can't make the effort to catch a flight (no doubt paid for by the OP anyway) for what is an important day to the DD and OP is just not on - even if plenty of posters on here have stiff "principles" about whether or not they stoop to baby shower attendance.

I agree, this runs deeper than the baby shower, and I suspect is a last straw for the DD.

OP, it's time to move on from these graspers. You need to kick yourself awake here and see who you are really at risk of losing - your DD, whom you have already moved away from, and her baby - or a pair of people sponging off you who can't even make the effort to take a short flight for something that matters to you. Build your life on solid ground. I expect this is what is frustrating your DD.

You summed it up perfectly.

I think the bigger concern here is your relationship with your wife. It sounds like you have already given up with statements such as "struggling to have any kind of relationship with my wife, Stepson and his family - I'm like "do whatever you want, I'm not interested" . There is a lot more to the backstory of all the relationships."

I cant imagine the backstory is anything positive with that sentiment. If I had been a stepmother to my DHs daughter for 30+ years, and I knew how much it meant to her due to struggling to conceive, mental breakdowns over it, etc - I would be at her baby shower or whatever bloody event it is even if it was on Mars. What happened to the days of people having compassion and being supportive?

It sounds like none of them want to go. Did your DD go to your step DILs baby shower? If not, thats likely why she won't go. Also remember she has a young baby and taking them on a flight isnt pleasant for anyone. Though, I cant really see why its all that important that step DIL goes, given she seems relatively new to the family. But again, I would expect your wife to go. That being said, without actually stating their reasons for not wanting to go, no answers here will be an accurate evaluation of the situation.

Coming full circle to my initial point, I think the real problem here is that you feel like an outcast in your own home. It sounds like its being dominated by your DW and her son / DIL, and you feel as though you're just existing in the background. I think this is being extended to your DD, and you feel she is being treated as of less importance, as well. As a result, it seems you've already checked out of the relationship. In which case, that poses the question of, why are you still with her? You sound unhappy at home with this current familial arrangement.

This could be fixed if you made the effort to set boundaries with your wife and her DS / DIL. Im making an assumption here, but it really sounds as if you just let them walk all over you and you just sit there and say "i dont care do what you want". You cant say that to them and then expect them to do what you wanted.

What I would do is go to your DDs baby shower alone. I would work to prioritise your relationship with DD and support her with her new baby journey. You dont want to be sulking about your home life during the most crucial time of your granddaughters early life. Your DD im sure will be thrilled to have you there. You need to teach her not to value people that dont want to be in her life / support her, instead of getting upset about them and trying to force them into situations/doing things that they dont want to.

Have a serious think about your relationship with your wife. You have every right not to expose the details of your personal relationships on here, only you know whats going on. Just that the main thing I got from this is that this isnt about your DDs baby shower, its about your wife.

💡 Ahhhh, now it makes sense. Excellent advice.

Except you missed the part where the wife would have to fly to another country for the baby shower!

I didn’t even attend a close friend’s baby shower as we had something else pre booked. She’s was fine with it.

i find the whole baby shower thing odd. I refused to accept any gifts a from anyone until the baby had arrived safely and we didn’t even set up any baby related stuff until a week before and that was the bare minimum. It took me a long time to conceive and I just was very fearful until the baby had arrived. I’m always amazed how positive people are everything is going to work out and have these showers assuming it’s a done deal! I really enjoyed receiving the trickle of gifts after.

personally flying over for it is a bit silly. Something to do with a few of your friends but certainly not a big occasion .

whilst your wife can't even be bothered to attend a baby shower for your daughter?

I'm not sure many people would be wanting to do the same flight again a few weeks later no matter how easy Op maintains it is.

She is being treated as a second class citizen in her own family.

Including by her father who chose to move away to be with his wife's family?

All of that said it seems as if there is a back story that might have been relevant!

Are you going to the baby shower, OP? If not, I think it’s unreasonable to make more effort than you’re making.

She is supported by the OP - as is her son - and he would like her to.

She need not host it, need not do anything in fact apart from sit in a car to the airport then sit on a plane, no doubt paid for by the op. Then attend a party for her OP's DD and return back.

Most people would think that was financially "worth it" (even before starting on more important notions like respecting what matters to your close family) when you consider she and her son sponge off the op the rest of the time.

All these people who are so exhausted by a short haul flight!

It’s not about your wife or DIL not going to baby shower it’s your DD wants a grandad for her baby instead of you and wife being completely immersed enabling and supporting your alcoholic step son, his wife and child.
It’s her being hurt because your life is abroad and all about your wife and troubled family.
You’re feeling resentful at the wrong person, it’s you who has moved abroad far from your DD and you who is allowing your SS to take over your life and emptying your wallet because of his alcoholism.
You are the one who needs to tell your enabling wife that her son is no longer welcome to freeload off you (who the hell moves abroad with no savings?) that you are moving back to the U.K. so you can concentrate on your own flesh and blood!