AIBU to expect my wife and stepson’s wife to attend my daughter’s baby shower?

[ThamesmeadHammer]

To expect my wife to go to my daughter's baby shower?

Wife and I been together for 31 years, both had a child from previous relationships who happen to be the same age.

We decided to leave the UK and move to Italy, along with my stepson, his wife and their baby.

My daughter has been through the wringer trying to get pregnant for years and there was a fear that she may never have a child.
Her step brother - wife's DS - and his wife fell pregnant and had a beautiful baby and all her friends have had babies.

This really knocked the stuffing out of her and affected her mental health.

Thankfully DD fell pregnant and is expecting a girl in a few months. I was absolutely over the moon and was everyone else.

A baby shower has been arranged for her but my wife isn't going nor is my stepsons wife - despite me and my wife flying back a few weeks before.

Daughter is extremely upset and doesn't want to see them at all, said that I let her down by not standing up to my wife for not going.

I was really disappointed with my wife, after all she has been a step mum to my daughter.

Haven't confronted my wife over this, I feel outnumbered by her, her son and his wife.

BTW - I am struggling to have any kind of relationship with my wife, Stepson and his family - I'm like "do whatever you want, I'm not interested" . There is a lot more to the backstory of all the relationships.

Your wife is sensible! And I say that as someone currently struggling to conceive.

Who is hosting your daughter's shower? Is it her mum? If not, why not, and is this the reason that she wants her stepmum there?

I haven't said she should. I have asked why she couldn't? If the answer is, "because I don't want to" so be it.

The fact that you’ve asked the question alone suggests you think she should - if there’s any possible way to do it, why can’t she?

She doesn’t have to justify why she doesn’t want to.

36% of people think two women should be obliged to go to an event in another country that for whatever reason they may not wish to attend. Wow.

YABU

A baby shower isn’t in the same league as a wedding or Christening.

You haven’t answered the question that several posters have asked and that is, did your daughter fly to your step son’s partner’s bay shower?
I wouldn’t get on a plane to attend a baby shower. She’s seeing your daughter before she gives birth and no doubt she’ll visit once the baby is here. That’s plenty.
It’s not very environmentally friendly either to jump on a plane for a baby shower that’ll last a couple of hours and then on another to go back. No wonder this world is fucked.

Is this one of the things where the dd won’t have wanted (understandably) to do anything baby related when struggling to conceive and now she’s pregnant it must be the focus of all and no one else has had a baby before?

She doesn't have to. No-one actually "has to" do anything much.

But people can - and do - judge people for what they choose to do and not do. That's how social interaction tends to work, and it is how relationships flourish or fail.

Saying she "doesn't have to" sounds like a petulant 6 year old: "Make me."

I don’t go to baby showers. I definitely wouldn’t be flying for one.

So to go wife has to fly there ?

if there is no issue with money or time off work (if works) then yes would be nice for wife to go to your daughters baby shower. Esp as never thought get preg

why isn’t the sil tho step - going ? Is she local

As petulant as the daughter who’s now saying she won’t see them all because they won’t fly over for her baby shower.

Could your DD not move the baby shower?

It does seem a bit silly flying all that way for just a baby shower.

However I wouldn’t miss my DDs or step DDs baby showers for the world.

I would ask DD if it’s possible to move it to when DW is already there or if not you and DW can use it to have a weekend away.

I would expect DW to try her hardest to go but I wouldn’t force DSS to go.

Just about.

This is a very good point.

I assume she would have if she expects the same in return.

If she didn’t then that definitely changes my mind.

Your wife is sensible and adult.

You are a passive aggressive bellend. I wouldn't fly abroad for my own DDs baby shower, btw. They are an American invention and not a big deal at all - the baby hasn't even arrived!

Baby showers are silly events. I would avoid if possible

I think the full back story would probably provide some further context but can you not just say to your wife "Jane would really appreciate you going to the baby shower. I know it's a big ask but it'd mean a lot to her to have you there especially given how much it has taken for this baby to be on the way..." and see what your wife says? I think this is a situation where you just need to communicate your feelings on it to her.

All this "do what you want..." is a bit silly. Maybe your wife thinks a baby shower isn't a big enough thing to fly abroad for? I think they've gained in popularity over the last 30 years so it'd be understandable there would be a bit of a generational gap around this. Or could you say "let's all make a nice weekend of it" and stay in a hotel nearby etc even if you dip out of the actual baby shower bit (if it's women only). I do think though that, if it's doable physically and affordable then your wife should make the effort for something that is so important to her DSD.

Are you going to the baby shower?

I understand that baby showers ain't everyone's taste but my wife made such a massive effort for my stepsons wife's one.
Wife could fly there and back in a day, and it's about 45 minutes from the airport.

Yeah but the “massive effort” didn’t involve flying back and forth between different countries did it?

I think this is bonkers especially if you’re planning to visit another time in the near future

OP, your life sounds utterly miserable with your wife, with you both supporting your alcoholic step son, his wife and kid in what you thought was a new life in the sun. This is obviously also playing into you feeling pissed off that your wife won't make an effort for your daughter, who has also had struggles and for whom this baby shower has become a symbol of great importance. You should explain to your wife why it's important to you that she attend. Stop avoiding the issue and feeling resentful. If you find that it truly "doesn't matter what I say", if she doesn't listen and communicate with you, then maybe it really is time to face up to the fact you cannot carry on like this anymore.

Flying abroad for a baby shower? Bloody hell.

I don't think it's reasonable to expect someone to travel internationally for a baby shower. I wouldn't do it.

Your wife has suggested celebrating with your daughter when you are in the country anyway- that's not ignoring the pregnancy, or failing to celebrate it.

Your daughter's "if they won't come to the baby's shower I don't want to see them at all" attitude is one I would challenge.

Your marriage is crumbling, and you hate her son. It’s unsurprising that your wife and DIL are unwilling to go. Even if the circumstances were otherwise good, flying to another country to attend a baby shower is a big ask. I’ve flown in and out of countries in a day before, but I wouldn’t for a baby shower.

That said, your wife did offer a compromise, but you’re sulking because she’s not dancing exactly to your tune. Of course she made a fuss over her DIL (did you, by the way?) - her son and his wife live with you both, and that’s her grandchild.

What does your daughter even mean about standing up to your wife? Does she expect you to physically force her into it?

I sense a golden child here. Everyone must meet her needs at all times.