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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my wife and stepson’s wife to attend my daughter’s baby shower?

305 replies

ThamesmeadHammer · 27/03/2026 12:09

To expect my wife to go to my daughter's baby shower?

Wife and I been together for 31 years, both had a child from previous relationships who happen to be the same age.

We decided to leave the UK and move to Italy, along with my stepson, his wife and their baby.

My daughter has been through the wringer trying to get pregnant for years and there was a fear that she may never have a child.
Her step brother - wife's DS - and his wife fell pregnant and had a beautiful baby and all her friends have had babies.

This really knocked the stuffing out of her and affected her mental health.

Thankfully DD fell pregnant and is expecting a girl in a few months. I was absolutely over the moon and was everyone else.

A baby shower has been arranged for her but my wife isn't going nor is my stepsons wife - despite me and my wife flying back a few weeks before.

Daughter is extremely upset and doesn't want to see them at all, said that I let her down by not standing up to my wife for not going.

I was really disappointed with my wife, after all she has been a step mum to my daughter.

Haven't confronted my wife over this, I feel outnumbered by her, her son and his wife.

BTW - I am struggling to have any kind of relationship with my wife, Stepson and his family - I'm like "do whatever you want, I'm not interested" . There is a lot more to the backstory of all the relationships.

OP posts:
Boomer55 · 27/03/2026 16:13

I wouldn't fly abroad for a baby shower, 🤷‍♀️

worldshottestmom · 27/03/2026 16:14

Calliopespa · 27/03/2026 16:12

All these people who are so exhausted by a short haul flight!

Right? From the comments section I would expect the title of this thread to be "what is your opinion on baby showers and short haul flights". Like it really doesn't matter what anybody here's opinion of baby showers is.

pinkyredrose · 27/03/2026 16:15

Calliopespa · 27/03/2026 16:11

She is supported by the OP - as is her son - and he would like her to.

She need not host it, need not do anything in fact apart from sit in a car to the airport then sit on a plane, no doubt paid for by the op. Then attend a party for her OP's DD and return back.

Most people would think that was financially "worth it" (even before starting on more important notions like respecting what matters to your close family) when you consider she and her son sponge off the op the rest of the time.

Show quote history

Where does it say she's supported by Op?

TMFF · 27/03/2026 16:18

moderndilemma · 27/03/2026 15:58

Apart from the fact that they live abroad (time cost etc)? And that the step-SIL is very loosely connected? And that a baby shower is a made-up 'thing'? Lovely if close friends and family want to join in, but beyond that...?????

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Yes, beyond that.

Because I'd like to know the reason they gave.

And it was a bit ridiculous of the OP not to tell us.

worldshottestmom · 27/03/2026 16:20

pinkyredrose · 27/03/2026 16:08

Except you missed the part where the wife would have to fly to another country for the baby shower!

Show quote history

If your daughter had been struggling to conceive for years on years, had a mental breakdown over it, then finally got pregnant and wanted to have a baby shower, would you still not fly a short haul flight to go to it? Would you not expect your DH who had been her step dad for over 30 years to go to it?

Everybody here is blabbering on about how they wouldnt go on a flight for a baby shower, and saying it as if it is OPs work friend. Its his daughter. Of course he expects his wife to make the effort to go to something because it is quite obviously extremely important to her, and should be important to them too, if they cared about her. It really is not a big ask given the circumstances.

If this was her 5th child, yeah, I wouldnt expect them to go. But its not. Take the context into account.

Calliopespa · 27/03/2026 16:24

pinkyredrose · 27/03/2026 16:15

Where does it say she's supported by Op?

Show quote history

It is on another thread - which posters have been pointing out.

I agree with @worldshottestmom : our personal views on baby showers are irrelevant in this context.

RawBloomers · 27/03/2026 16:25

Daughter is extremely upset and doesn't want to see them at all, said that I let her down by not standing up to my wife for not going.

Has your daughter talked to your wife about it?
You say your wife was stepmum to your DD and that they have a good relationship. But this sounds more like your DD expects you to "make" your wife do what she wants. And that is not a sign of a good relationship between them, nor one where one party has been in a real parental role to the other.

diddl · 27/03/2026 16:29

Long & short, you can't make your wife go if she doesn't want to & you can't make her want to go.

If everyone had a good relationship I wouldn't have thought it would such a big thing if your wife would be as involved as she could be otherwise.

If your daughter has been through so much & struggled so much though, why did you leave?

Saturdaynight1 · 27/03/2026 16:39

I wouldn’t expect someone to fly abroad for a baby shower. Though my best friend did come to mine from abroad, which delighted me! But it was not an expectation at all.

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/03/2026 16:53

So many have obv stalked op other threads saying about Italy - alcohol issues and living in same house

I don’t think it would hurt for wife to fly over

equally maybe could do an afternoon tea the few weeks before when over

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/03/2026 16:53

Will you be flying over once baby is born ?

FrostyPalms · 27/03/2026 16:59

cardibach · 27/03/2026 15:21

30 years ago in the U.K. they weren’t all female because they didn’t exist at all. I had a baby 30 years ago and it just wasn’t a thing here. I imagine even now it is it will have different traditions from in (presumably) the US

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Fair enough. Yes, I am in the US. I knew that the baby shower tradition had migrated to Britain since I moved here (along with proms and who knows what else) but of course it makes sense that they're a little different. I am surprised that there's such a gender divide there though.

smithsinarazz · 27/03/2026 17:05

I don't think any adult has a right to expect another adult to be anywhere, unless a) adult B is being paid b) adult B would be reneging on caring responsibilities otherwise. Anything else is a matter of the relationship between the two people, how much trouble and expense it would cost to be there, and whether it's going to be fun or not.

CinnamonBuns67 · 27/03/2026 17:05

OP how did your DD react to and behave during your step sons wife's pregnancy? Did she fly to another country to attend her baby shower?

I personally would not fly to another country for a baby shower and I think both you and your daughter are very unreasonable to expect her stepmum and step sister in law to do so.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 27/03/2026 17:13

FrostyPalms · 27/03/2026 16:59

Fair enough. Yes, I am in the US. I knew that the baby shower tradition had migrated to Britain since I moved here (along with proms and who knows what else) but of course it makes sense that they're a little different. I am surprised that there's such a gender divide there though.

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I'm in Canada and the few I've been to have been all women. I think it's definitely okay any way it's done now, but just offering my experience from here. (Although, I've never seen a guy get teary over a teeny tiny onzie) 😂

VickyEadieofThigh · 27/03/2026 17:13

This reply has been deleted

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Mumtobabyhavoc · 27/03/2026 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ok, fine to have questions. But, that's not what OP is asking about here. It's also not cool to deep dive a user name and post about it.

Breadcat24 · 27/03/2026 17:21

Baby showers are awful. If you want to go then go- do not just default nominate the women in your family

MyDeftDuck · 27/03/2026 17:25

I don’t think I would feel inclined to fly back to the UK for a baby shower after being there just a few weeks before …… and making the journey, there and back, in one day is just bloody bonkers!
Can’t you visit DD and take baby gifts when DW visits her dad?

allthingsinmoderation · 27/03/2026 17:26

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/03/2026 13:42

Sounds a bit like emotional blackmail though ‘She wants you there because it’s been so difficult, and it will upset her if you don’t go’

Just no. It’s a direct way of ensuring that there will be no relationship going forward.

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I think it's just honest communication if the DD does really wants her to attend,
I don't think adding "its been difficult" would be helpful though,
Obviuosly we cant know the nature of their relationship but i cant see why saying the DD really want her to attend the baby shower will ensure theres no relationship going forward.

hahabahbag · 27/03/2026 17:34

To fly back for a party is crazy, she’s saying have a family celebration when you are in the country and include you, not just her. The whole women only thing is weird anyway, takes two to make a baby!

DreamyRedNewt · 27/03/2026 17:35

Expecting someone to fly to another country for a baby shower is ridiculous in my opinion, no matter the relationship. If she wants to go then fine, but it should not be such a big deal is she doesn't.

DreamyRedNewt · 27/03/2026 17:39

Even if it is 45 minutes from the airport, going to another country and coming back is never something many people would want to do in a day, you need to get to the airport, be there at least 1.5 hours in advance, then the time of the flght and then the same to return. Who would want to do this in one day??

InterIgnis · 27/03/2026 17:47

Calliopespa · 27/03/2026 16:11

She is supported by the OP - as is her son - and he would like her to.

She need not host it, need not do anything in fact apart from sit in a car to the airport then sit on a plane, no doubt paid for by the op. Then attend a party for her OP's DD and return back.

Most people would think that was financially "worth it" (even before starting on more important notions like respecting what matters to your close family) when you consider she and her son sponge off the op the rest of the time.

Show quote history

Where has OP said he’s solely financially responsible, or that his wife hasn’t contributed/isn’t contributing? She at least worked up until last year, and the move was funded at least in part by the sale of joint property. Not sure how that constitutes sponging.

Either way, she’s told him no.

OttersOnAPlane · 27/03/2026 17:50

OP, you're a bit mad on this - no, a baby shower is not something you take an international flight to attend.

When you are in the U.K., you and your wife can take your daughter out to celebrate, and take her shopping to choose some gifts for the baby. That's surely going to mean more than your wife showing up as part of a big group and having no time to spend with your daughter as she'll have many other guests.