AIBU to expect my wife and stepson’s wife to attend my daughter’s baby shower?

[ThamesmeadHammer]

To expect my wife to go to my daughter's baby shower?

Wife and I been together for 31 years, both had a child from previous relationships who happen to be the same age.

We decided to leave the UK and move to Italy, along with my stepson, his wife and their baby.

My daughter has been through the wringer trying to get pregnant for years and there was a fear that she may never have a child.
Her step brother - wife's DS - and his wife fell pregnant and had a beautiful baby and all her friends have had babies.

This really knocked the stuffing out of her and affected her mental health.

Thankfully DD fell pregnant and is expecting a girl in a few months. I was absolutely over the moon and was everyone else.

A baby shower has been arranged for her but my wife isn't going nor is my stepsons wife - despite me and my wife flying back a few weeks before.

Daughter is extremely upset and doesn't want to see them at all, said that I let her down by not standing up to my wife for not going.

I was really disappointed with my wife, after all she has been a step mum to my daughter.

Haven't confronted my wife over this, I feel outnumbered by her, her son and his wife.

BTW - I am struggling to have any kind of relationship with my wife, Stepson and his family - I'm like "do whatever you want, I'm not interested" . There is a lot more to the backstory of all the relationships.

I think take the fact that it’s a baby shower out of the equation and look at it from a point that the OPs daughter is excited and wants support from her stepmum, as does OP, she was happy to do it for her own son’s wife.

Wife said it makes sense to celebrate with my daughter a few weeks before rather than fly back for the day as per the baby shower

Team wife here.
Why is your DD so stuck on her date to hold a baby shower, why doesn’t she have it the few weeks before when your ‘D’W is in the U.K?

However, I’d decline an invite to a baby shower even if it was in the U.K and 10 miles down the road tbh, and I say that as someone who had 7 cycles of IVF.
The time to celebrate is after the birth imo.

You are being ridiculous and so is your daughter. She can blame hormones to an extent but you cannot.
Nobody should be tavelling to a different country for a baby shower. Nobody. And certainly not the family by marriage of the family by marriage. And certainly not anyone who would have to travel with or leave their own young child to do so!
The whole idea is outrageous.
I bet your daughter won't be making such sacrifices when she has her own child. Get a grip even if she can't. You should know better.

For her own grandchild, at a baby shower held in her own home.

She actually was prepared to offer her stepdaughter that support, at a time when she’d actually be in the same country. Apparently that wasn’t good enough.

Well your wife's proposal is a sensible one and frankly your statement below is childish and immature. How old are you?

"Again, I'm like do whatever you want - doesn't matter what I say."

"BTW - I am struggling to have any kind of relationship with my wife, Stepson and his family - I'm like "do whatever you want, I'm not interested" . There is a lot more to the backstory of all the relationships."

You've said the same thing more than once now so I don't get why you have such high expectations when you also don't have a good relationship with your wife or stepson.

Also while I can understand your daughter being a bit disappointed that she can't make it to the shower, her reaction that she doesn't want to see them again is also childish and immature and smacks of being competitive and jealous of your stepsons wife who was fortunate to have a baby earlier than she did.

This all comes across as a classic case of the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I know it can be upsetting to see your child go through what your daughter did but you also need for me sensible and reasonable and stop enabling her entitled behaviour.

Baby showers are an American idea anyway,if they refused to go to the Christening then I'd be concerned.

Your wife sounds very sensible!
She has said she’d like to celebrate with her while she is in the country (which sounds lovely as they’ll have some 1:1 time which she won’t get at the baby shower).
I would assume you’ll fly over when the baby’s is born also - which is far more important than the baby shower.
It does then seem ridiculous to fly there and back in a day in between those 2 trips when your daughter will be surrounded by family and friends on her baby shower day anyway. Plus your wife can choose a gift and leave it for her to open at the shower too if she likes.
I’m sorry, I just don’t see the issue.

Expecting anyone to get on a plane to go to a baby shower is fucking mental.

Your wife is obviously right.

YABU

If you can afford it easily and your wife doesn’t need to take time off work then yes I think she should go.

I think when you live a distance away from loved ones you have to accept that you can't always be by each others sides for life events. Like PP said, your DW offered to celebrate with your DD whilst she was actually in the UK and but your DD decided that it wasn't good enough. It's not unreasonable to not want a repeat long journey 2 weeks later.

Is the real issue that you all have history and resentments of each other?

Think of not flying to another fricking country to look at a nappy cake as saving the planet for your unborn grandchild who will be reaching her 20s when the climate wars really start to bite

You and your daughter are being ridiculous - and yes, I’ve gone through years of trying and loss so I know it feels to finally be pregnant and have it feel so all-consuming and precious. I don’t like the concept of bay showers, absolutely lovely to see a mum-to-be and have some cake together and socialise before baby lands, but I wouldn’t give a present before a baby arrives. Your wife is absolutely right in that if your daughter wants her there, she should celebrate when she’s in the country or happily accept that Step Mum won’t be there.

Expecting anyone to fly to another country for a baby shower is unreasonable.
The fact she's had infertility struggles, and this is an exciting time for her, is, in the case of your wife and stepsons wife, broadly irrelevant. Women have babies all the time. She's hardly the first woman in the history of women to have a child after a long wait.

There's clearly a whole lot of back story here.

People are different, that's clear. Where this is a problem is when those differences start to be exerted over others as a requirement of their behaviour. As a mother who struggled for 7 years and through 5 pregnancy losses before I had my first and last child, a shower would have been the very last thing I wanted. It would have felt too much like tempting fate. (That's aside from the argument that they're tacky and unnecesary, which depends on personal opinion). The issue isn't that it's a shower being discussed here - aside from the fact that this baby hasn't even been born yet. What is disturbing - I don't know whether the OP is male or female but either way it's of no odds - is the level of control/coercion they are attempting to exert over their wife.

OP doesn't get to dictate orders to her as though she were a subordinate apprentice. OP is not in a position to demand mimimum behavioural requirements of her as though she were a recalcitrant child. And now wife has said 'no, that doesn't work for me', OP is resorting to childish, bullying, passive-aggressive comments to punish her for refusing to capitulate. It sounds an extremity to say I'd LTB as in common MN parlance, but this PA/silence/coercion is symptomptic of a far more serious problem and in this wife's position I'd bail. This isn't behaviour I'd ever tolerate as part of the marriage deal; not least because it has a tendency to escalate.

Wife is an autonomous adult who is allowed to say 'no'. For whatever reason. On this occasion her reasons sound eminently reasonable, she's offered compromises, yet nothing is apparently acceptable to other than what Spouse demands. This isn't how healthy marriages work.

Wife isn't suggesting the pregnancy should be ignored but isn't prepared to indulge the frippery of a shower when this involves an overseas flight. It's ridiculously disproportionate, as is the reaction of both DSD and her father.

Not enough info in your posts.

If for example your respective DC were older teens when you all moved in together, and / or only spent every other weekend with you, seems less U of wife not to attend the baby shower than if DC were younger and spent more time with you both.

You and your wife moved countries primarily to follow her DC? That seems unusual. Unless it’s also your wife’s original country.

Also agree that fertility issues aren’t relevant in this situation (like many other posters have experienced fertility issues)

Forget the baby shower, why are you still married? Is she the one with the money? It doesn't read like if you fell ill she would care for you. What is the point of the marriage? All this focus on a baby shower given your rundown of your relationship is just odd. You do not seem to be focused on the problem you need to solve. Go to the baby shower and really think about your marriage while you are gone.

That sounds like a perfectly reasonable thing to do, it is not like she is just ignoring your daughter's pregnancy and it will be like an extra celebration, she can buy her a nice present. There is too much of this rubbish with hens, showers and goodness knows what else with people getting upset.

I agree with your wife's idea and that is celebrating while she is there earlier...I know your daughter has had a lot of emotion and much difficulty in becoming pregnant but losing understanding of other people's situations makes her look like a princess.
Your wife has given her lots of support don't forget this.

Why should she though it's too far away for a stupid arse baby shower ffs.
I wouldn't do it no matter what .
You're talking like she hasn't supported your daughter not going to a baby shower doesn't mean she doesn't care.
Your daughter needs to get over herself saying that in the nicest way .

Yes because it’s what you do to support your spouse of 31 years if it’s important to them.

This is crazy - baby showers are a self indulgent demand for attention and presents - your daughter is upset that family members aren't flying from Italy to indulge her for a few hours before flying back to Italy. I appreciate your daughter has struggled but is that going to be used every time she makes a demand - and her baby takes priority over every other baby in the family (including the baby in Italy that has to fly to England for a couple of hours or be left at home while the parents are forced to attend a baby shower!)

Her own son's wife doesn't live in another country - it's easier to give attention to someone down the road
Did the daughter fly to Italy to support the half brothers wife?????

Wife makes sense. Or should she ignore the fact until the baby shower..? Baby showers are awful things and best avoided anyway, especially if it means a special flight. What a waste of a Day, if wife can be celebrating with her stepdaughter before it when over anyway.