What’s a fair split as a SAHM?

[Selin91]

I have 2 DD- 4yo and 18month old. Just genuinely curious how families with a SAHM share the load and if my split is fair. Will start by saying DH is a great father and husband so if I ask him to do more I know he would but I don’t want to be unfair.

At the moment my 4yo is at nursery 4 days a week and my 18mo home with me. DH WFH 2 days a week finishing at 5:30pm but on the days he’s in the office we don’t see him until 6.15pm. After helping with bath and bedtime he often stays up until 1-2am working as his job is very demanding.

I do all nursery drop offs and pickups and on his wfh days he sometimes helps get the kids ready in the morning. On days he’s in the office he will unload the dishwasher, wash bottles and feed the dog before he goes. I do 100% of all cooking and cleaning except he will always tidy up after dinner when he gets home and tidies the kitchen/play area before bed. On weekends he sometimes also makes breakfast and lunch but I always do dinner. I do all food shops and admin/mental load. He walks the dog.

We split bedtimes but my 18 month old is a very tricky sleeper and I am the default parent for night wakes for both. If things are particularly bad I will ask him to help but DD often won’t go to him. On weekends I give him a lie in at least once a week but recently I asked him to help more in the mornings and he has been, although I’m not sure if I’m being unfair. I sleep more than him most days although my sleep is broken and his isn’t.
I should also add I have some health problems which mean I sometimes have to ask him to do a bit more in the evenings.

Good God, have I opened a page on 1950’s housewifery?! ‘Lucky you! Your hubby (barf) is doing so much!’

He’s doing a decent shift. Not more than his ‘fair share’ - how is that even calculated? And how are the ‘important decisions’ he makes at work more important than looking after very young children?

I’ve never been a SAHP but it’s not servitude and it should be mutually beneficial.

I'm currently a SAHP with a 5yo and a 6mo I have mental health issues and pregnancy has caused physical issues that the drs are struggling to get it the bottom of.

My partner WFH 1 or 2 days a week and in the office the other days. Office days he is up and out at 6.30 and gets home at between 5.30 and 6. On WFH days he does the school run in the morning and then works 9 until 5.30. My dad does 1 school pick up a week and then looks after the 6mo whilst I have an hour with just the 5yo. My mum does a pick up another day and take 5yo to her swimming lesson. I do all the other drop offs and pickups

My partner does the majority of the cooking, I do the food shopping and the laundry. Other bits we split but depends on how busy he is and how many physical and mental health are. He cooks enough on his WFH days so that the days he is in the office don't require too much cooking. On good days I can manage pasta and a simple sauce but bad days even this is beyond me. I have burnt a lot of pasta and rice over the last 6 months as I've been able to put it on but then not been able to keep an eye on. When he wfh he cooks us lunch as I struggle to get lunch, the other days I have something that can be put on toast without cooking or cereal bars unless I pick up a lunch from the supermarket when I do a shop

I do all the nights, my 5yo only reliably started sleeping through a year ago. My partner does all the weekend mornings. He is doing most of the bedtimes at the moment but only because the baby is currently feeding at the same time. We try to alternate as much as possible

My partner does some work during bedtime. My daughter routine includes 30 minutes of an audio book followed by guided meditation. He sits in the study upstairs whilst this is on.

For us it has been about finding the things I can do without draining all my energy and what can fit around my partners work patterns. At the weekends we split the time based on what work or housework needs doing and try to have a day for family time and the other day is flexible and sometimes doesn't involve my partner.

I think it depends what his job is, my ex used to work on a day job involving night call outs, which happened often so I did all night feeding and most of the housework and cooking, he did decorating and gardening, which suited us at the time. Now DH cooks, deals with gardening and house maintenance, and I do the washing, ironing and some cleaning (we have a cleaner in for a couple of hours each week). DC are adults and we both work FT.

Sounds reasonably fair.

Your DH does a lot, but maybe you could do with taking on some different bits in return for him doing some nights, if it’s night that you struggle with? It doesn’t sound like you get any unbroken sleep or lie ins, if I’m reading it right?

Also, I wondered if you could take on walking the dog in exchange for him doing whatever childcare bits / housework you do at that time, as it sounds like you could do with the space of that. Walking the dog can be good for mental health, whereas it strikes me that a lot of the bits you have are the mentally draining bits - constantly with the kids (or at least the youngest) and in charge of the life admin. Whereas his bits are a fair amount but perhaps the more discrete tasks/ mentally more satisfying. And he has more variety in his life.

Also he could do some more bedtimes and you do some of the clearing up in peace whilst he does it, with music / the radio on?

I would switch it around and have a look at how much free time you both have to relax and do things for your own well being eg exercise meeting friends etc.

OP, you should get one lie in each.
The 4 year olds melt downs need dealing with.
I had 4 children and melt downs were not tolerated.
It is setting a very poor precedent IMO.
She needs to be sat down and told clearly the consequences if this happens and stick to it.
Keep reminding her.
She doesn't get to choose which parent.
Parenting involves laying down firm boundaries and this is not one to negotiate.
Your health is critically important to the family, far far ahead of a 4 year old getting to choose parent.

The lack of sleep does terrible health damage, so everything you can to help balance and compensate for this, do it.

My friend who suffered badly paid her niece to take the children on a long walk and a visit to granny. The 4 hour break for both her husband and herself on a Saturday with bought pizza for dinner was their highlight during one brutal year.

Take any short cut to get through this time is my advice.
Good luck.

Meant to click yabu

it sounds like you’re a good team, with him stepping in more than many dads due to your health issues.

Hang on in there - things will get much better when the children are a little older. Try to remember that the sleep issues don’t last forever and once the sleep is better, things will be easier for you both.

OP - I do sympathise as having little ones is tough and broken sleep is hideous. However, I do think your DH is a gem and already doing a bit more than his share. Coming from someone who has always done the lion’s share with no external support until nursery and school. My partner works away a lot so am doing 100% on my own for nearly 50% of the week.. with 5 and 6 yo boys. He’s tired and stressed when he is home so I still do more…
You are incredibly lucky.

I’ve just had a thought 💭
Your husband is doing a lot but so are you .
Since you have health issues? ( I think you mentioned that ) could you use nursery one day per week for your 18 month old ?
Is that possible ? Then you’re not asking more of him but that gives you some downtime

Thank you. I’ve thought about it but I think it won’t really make the other days much easier

I think working on my health problems is the only solution. I can’t really get DH to do any less as he wants to be with the kids and whenever he is around we just do things 50/50, but tbh most things are done by the time he’s home. I do appreciate everything he does but I’m not sure I agree that he’s doing too much considering the working after the kids sleep isn’t up to me and only because he wants to see the kids. But I am grateful of course!

my 18 month olds sleep is bad but I’ve tried absolutely everything to fix it and it never works. She’s been a very difficult baby since birth and as much as I’d love to figure it out I don’t think I can!