What’s a fair split as a SAHM?

[Selin91]

I have 2 DD- 4yo and 18month old. Just genuinely curious how families with a SAHM share the load and if my split is fair. Will start by saying DH is a great father and husband so if I ask him to do more I know he would but I don’t want to be unfair.

At the moment my 4yo is at nursery 4 days a week and my 18mo home with me. DH WFH 2 days a week finishing at 5:30pm but on the days he’s in the office we don’t see him until 6.15pm. After helping with bath and bedtime he often stays up until 1-2am working as his job is very demanding.

I do all nursery drop offs and pickups and on his wfh days he sometimes helps get the kids ready in the morning. On days he’s in the office he will unload the dishwasher, wash bottles and feed the dog before he goes. I do 100% of all cooking and cleaning except he will always tidy up after dinner when he gets home and tidies the kitchen/play area before bed. On weekends he sometimes also makes breakfast and lunch but I always do dinner. I do all food shops and admin/mental load. He walks the dog.

We split bedtimes but my 18 month old is a very tricky sleeper and I am the default parent for night wakes for both. If things are particularly bad I will ask him to help but DD often won’t go to him. On weekends I give him a lie in at least once a week but recently I asked him to help more in the mornings and he has been, although I’m not sure if I’m being unfair. I sleep more than him most days although my sleep is broken and his isn’t.
I should also add I have some health problems which mean I sometimes have to ask him to do a bit more in the evenings.

My first thought is why is he working until 1-2am? Every night? He’s either inefficient, running the country or having some free time. Are you going back to work? If so he needs to look at his hours otherwise you’ll be doing what you do now and working.

I don't really think it's reasonable to expect him to get up in the nights when he is regularly working until 1/2am and then getting up for work. The OP's sleep is broken, yes, but she has said that she still gets more sleep than him overall. Plus the youngest child is 18 months, so even a terrible sleeper isn't going to be waking up like a newborn baby.

You are a partnership & that doesn’t always mean it’s 50/50. Sometimes one picks up extra to help the other like when you are not feeling your best.

you sound lucky, you have a hard working DH who still does his bit in the house and doesn’t leave it all to you.

you will get wacky answers asking this on here cos the ‘can only see black & white’ people will tell you everything should be exact. If he has a night off to go to the pub you must take the exact same amount of hours but thats just not how real life works.

like I said, you are lucky & I bet if you ask your hubby for help when you need it, he will gladly do it & if he doesn’t or complains then you can have a talk about if you are asking to much but I have hopes you have a real good one there

I'm not saying he should do it regularly, but once in a while, on a night when he's not working the next day. All parents need a night of unbroken sleep on occasion.

Could you have one lie in each over the weekend? I do think its unfair to ask him to do more overnight, when you do specify that you get more sleep than him every night.

I'm a sahm.

I do all the shopping and cooking and most of the cleaning and tidying. Most child related admin. Bedtime 5 days a week.

DH washes up, sorts bins and sometimes DC's breakfast if WFH. Also does bathtime.

I did all the night waking until DC was 3. I exclusively breastfed so for the first year I had to. After 3, DC sadly stopped sleeping through the night unless in our bed. I was happy to keep them with us, but DH wanted them in their own room, so the deal is that if DC wakes up needing someone DH sorts it out now. Because it's his choice to put DC in their own bed.

At weekends we both get one lie in.

Your DH sounds like he does a lot.

Listen, there is no objective "fair" amount for each of you. You're a team and you want to try to both not feel utterly exhausted and miserable, both spend some time with the kids, both spend some time doing your own thing (your kids are still tiny though that last one might not be realistic). If you are tired and ill you allow him to do as much as he can to get you through with the understanding he will tell you if it's too much for him. If he works long hours in a hard job the same goes for you.

People love to slag off sahms on here and tell you you're lazy but it is hard exhausting often thankless work and you are a team. You should be having this conversation with him not us, especially as he unusually doesn't sound like a feckless wastrel but a perfectly reasonable person.

At the moment it sounds like he has less free/chill time than you since he has to work until very late in the evenings and that would seem to indicate you should be taking on more. Although your health issues may mean that's not reasonable and he does need to bear a bigger proportion of the load.

I would worry with work hours like that he'll burn out, though.

He doesn’t need a lie in all
weekend! Take turns! You have Saturday he has Sunday. You’re both working but he gets paid that’s the difference

Honestly, in theory it sounds like you have a good balance. But, it's clearly not working for you.

Can you identify exactly what you need? Is it more unbroken sleep, more time alone either in or out of the house, a weekend nap, less mental load, a weekly cleaner, more communication or appreciation, are you worrying about his late nights or finances?

These will all have slightly different solutions and may not require him doing more, just different. I suspect you don't feel seen/ appreciated or feel you have the right to voice your needs (that's not necessarily a comment on your partner, I think as girls we are conditioned to put others first and I'm sensing that tenancy in your posts).

You've got a good partner, you're a team, I'm sure he wants you to be happy.

I think the issue is sleep. I need a lot more than he does especially with my health problems and that’s always been the case but I can’t ask him to help when he’s barely sleeping as it is and I worry a lot about his health. My youngest is up every night for a minimum of 1 hour. I can never have a lie in because my 4 year old has a meltdown if I’m not there in the morning and it’s not fair to ask him to deal with that.

neither of us get a lot of free time. He goes out every now and again with work, I never really go out. He goes to the gym after the kids sleep sometimes and if I need to run errands on weekends he watches the kids while I do that.

I don’t really know what I want but I just feel quite worn out and it’s a bit relentless at the moment for both of us but I guess that’s how it is with young kids.

He does sound like he is doing too much and could do with less to do in the evenings. Could you take some of the dog walks in the evening/weekend perhaps? It would also get you out of the house for some fresh air and time alone in your own thoughts. Also maybe not ask too much of him at the weekend in the day so that he gets some down time there too.

i do however think it’s fairer to have a lie in each a week (or at least once a fortnight) as doing overnights you deserve a rest every so often. Sunday may be best to give him Sat to recover from work. It’s not forever, they get to an age where they can get themselves up and go watch tv by themselves and then you can both have a lie in.

We (when kids were younger and I was sahm), always did one lie in each, you said you’d go to him having two lie ins but imo he doesn’t need two lie ins and you deserve one! Plus it’s good for the kids to see him up and about in the morning on the morning he doesn’t work. Other we than that I think it’s sahm does what needs to be done for house and kids while other working and imo night stuff unless they need help with it eg excessive waking or child being upset a lot, then other parent helps in the evening and everyone works together at weekends to get everything done so there’s more family time

@Selin91
Can you start sleep training your DD?
That way you'll start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel....

You don’t work and only really have one child at home most of the week whilst he is working 5 days carrying the financial load and stress for a family of 4 which is far more stressful than the mental load of food shops and cooking ….

yes he’s doing plenty

He might be an academic, you do the day job of teaching and administration tasks and then need to work all hours to fit the research in (which is the bit anyone cares about)

All I'm going to say is we have more kids and I still wouldn't expect my hubby to do all your saying especially working full time. Never have I wanted him to wake in the night I just get on with it he leaves the house 4am to start work at 5. He will always tidy before bed, dishwasher and even hang clothes out unasked before he rushes off to work he will cook clean if needed but I never ask and I actually make absolutely sure he gets lie ins at the weekend tho to him 9am is a lie in being up usually at 3:30am. But I try to have everything done so he doesn't feel he has to. I get myself a lay down on sofa in morning while our toddlers play around me if I feel exhausted

He is doing WAY too much. And i dont think i have ever said that on one of these posts before!

I never had lie ins when my dc were small, and still don’t! This isn’t me being a hero, it’s just that my body clock is set to 6am ish and I can’t just decide to lie in. DH can lie in at will though. As such, I ‘did’ both the weekend mornings but at some point during the day would go back to bed and have a nap or just some chill time. Or fall asleep on the sofa. DH would take over with the kids to let me have that catch up.

Sorry, that sounded harsh. I didn't mean it that way. Its just that your days would be manageable to me (have done very similar, maybe more as a SAHM) but his days would probably exhaust me to tears - don't think I could handle his days at all. The 1-2am bedtime is really not good for him and seems he's constantly racing around and busy.

Lots of sensible things said here already. I wanted to pick up on the bit where you said your 4 year old has a meltdown if you're not there in the morning, and you don't want your husband to have to deal with that - I have a 4 year old and she is definitely old enough not to have a tantrum just because she doesn't get her way! I'm sure he could deal fine with your 4 year old if you need a lie-in. You need to put yourself first sometimes. I do agree with the bits that your DH does quite a lot already. I imagine you're enjoying being a SAHM, but if you do just need a few hours a week, could you find a gym with a crèche, etc? At that age, I found a nanny who was happy to do 3 hours a week of housework and looking after the baby, which meant I could have a few hours to myself (my DH is away a lot with work). It is hard if you don't have any family help nearby, and especially if you have health problems, then it's worth considering solutions that don't just increase the amount your DH does.

For me the issue is why is he working so late. Is that out of choice or necessity?

If the former then boundaries are required, if the latter perhaps look for a new job as that's not sustainable with being a parent.

It's your health issues OP. I get it as was a SAHM too and struggled with my health and DH working long hours and often away with work too. I had no family help either but is that a solution for you?

I still for some reason feel guilty now (I shouldn't) but I did get help from a childminder when my health was really poor, just so I could have a break, which DH was happy to pay for.

I also think you could ask DH to take a couple of hrs leave every now and then and do a night for you. Even once a month or something. Sometimes you just need a reset and that's okay.

Talk to him. I think you both sound like wonderful parents and your dh does what he can, but it's okay for that not to be enough and for you to still find it hard.

He does lots. Put it this way, DH and I both work FT and he would not think to do any cleaning before leaving in the morning unless prompted, and even if prompted he’d often forget. He needs a list in order to even know what he should or shouldn’t be doing around the house, like a baby. Your DH sounds like a great husband.

X-posted with Lottie!