What’s a fair split as a SAHM?

[Selin91]

I have 2 DD- 4yo and 18month old. Just genuinely curious how families with a SAHM share the load and if my split is fair. Will start by saying DH is a great father and husband so if I ask him to do more I know he would but I don’t want to be unfair.

At the moment my 4yo is at nursery 4 days a week and my 18mo home with me. DH WFH 2 days a week finishing at 5:30pm but on the days he’s in the office we don’t see him until 6.15pm. After helping with bath and bedtime he often stays up until 1-2am working as his job is very demanding.

I do all nursery drop offs and pickups and on his wfh days he sometimes helps get the kids ready in the morning. On days he’s in the office he will unload the dishwasher, wash bottles and feed the dog before he goes. I do 100% of all cooking and cleaning except he will always tidy up after dinner when he gets home and tidies the kitchen/play area before bed. On weekends he sometimes also makes breakfast and lunch but I always do dinner. I do all food shops and admin/mental load. He walks the dog.

We split bedtimes but my 18 month old is a very tricky sleeper and I am the default parent for night wakes for both. If things are particularly bad I will ask him to help but DD often won’t go to him. On weekends I give him a lie in at least once a week but recently I asked him to help more in the mornings and he has been, although I’m not sure if I’m being unfair. I sleep more than him most days although my sleep is broken and his isn’t.
I should also add I have some health problems which mean I sometimes have to ask him to do a bit more in the evenings.

I think working on the kids sleep schedules is key, why is your child waking foe an hour every night, what time do they go to bed, when do they get up? What happens during that hour?

I agree it sounds pretty fair. You should each get a lie in at the weekend though.

Mmmm so you are doing all nursery drop offs and pick ups, all night wakings, virtually all of the cooking, virtually all of the cleaning and all of the food shopping. Do you do the laundry too? And the majority of the childcare when your four year old is not at nursery.

I think the replies you get on Mumsnet are never very sympathetic to sahms tbh! And frankly I am surprised at the low expectations people have of their dh’s on the domestic side of things. It not occurring to your dh to see to the bin or empty the dw before work is not something to be celebrated!

Presumably men who are single manage to look after themselves and do some domestic chores?

Tbh I think you are both doing a lot. Part of it is because you are in the very worst of the parenting trenches atm. Things will get better gradually but not for a few years yet. This is a marathon so your arrangements need to be sustainable.

My dh has a seriously big job too but in thirty years he has only stayed up until 1 or 2 am working about three or four times when there was a dire emergency. And he managed to do a lot more around the house than your dh does.

For a start he took over the cooking at weekends and cooked Sunday lunch and either got us a takeaway on Saturday night or put together a fakeaway type dish. He always did a food shop during the week too. Mind you he enjoys cooking. He would also take the dc out by himself for a weekend morning or afternoon so I could catch up on sleep,

My point is that you both decided to have dc and the dc are both of your responsibilities.

So I think this is about time efficiency as well as hours by the clock. Your dh is a family man now, he can’t expect to continue to work in exactly the same way he did before you had children. Him going to bed so late has a knock on effect on you all. He should be able to do a reasonable job within a 7 am to 7 pm time slot. Can he work during his commute on the days he doesn’t wfh?

On your side, can you tackle why your 18 month old is waking every night for an hour? Are they hungry? Can you give them an extra feed or snack before bed? They could be going through a growth spurt? It is reasonable to expect them to be more or less sleeping through the night at this age. I know it’s not always easy but don’t allow that to become entrenched. Sleep is so important.

And why is your four year old having meltdowns in the morning if you are not there? Surely this is a sign that your dh is not involved enough? Sorry but you simply both have to power through that as a couple until your four year old is equally comfortable with both of you. It may be difficult the first couple of times but it isn’t going to improve if you don’t try.

The key here is working smarter not harder and sorry, unlike everyone else on here, I think your dh could share more of the domestic grind at weekends and he definitely needs to sort out his work hours. Sometimes just swapping roles is a rest!

So I definitely agree with pp too op that you should start gradually preparing for when you go back to work, if your health condition will allow this, so that these patterns don’t get too entrenched, and your domestic and parenting tasks and earning capacity, get split more equally in future.

Life is tough when sleep is broken.
You might feel more refreshed if you do more active tasks in the early mornnig - almost like exercise - and also get some outside time with the children during the day.
Try a couple of half hour super bursts of cleaning/washing in the mornings. A super kitchen clean at night while DH is bathing the kids could also be beneficial.

Walks with the pram will give everyone a boost.

This might mean fewer chores later in the day and less stress when kids are tired.

Give yourself a lie in on the weekend too.

Does your young one have worms? Earache? Poor quality nappies? A cot without comfortable temperature?

Problem solve the sleepless nights.

Team DH with the older child for getting dressed etc until they work really well together.

Am I missing something?

The dh does the dw in the morning (10 mins max) and feeds the dog (10 mins?) and wash bottles (10 mins) so that’s under 30 mins at most and he only does those tasks on the days he goes to the office.

And he sometimes helps his wife get the kids up in the morning when he is wfh,

And he helps with bath and bedtime. He doesn’t do it alone.

Sorry but I don’t see that as particularly fantastic! Why are people saying he is doing loads?

As a single person he would have to do the minium of cooking for himself most nights, emptying the dw and bins , at least two hours cleaning a week, plus food shopping and laundry, And that’s before dc were on the scene! Why should a married working man with dc do less than when he is single?

I don’t understand why everyone is saying op’s dh is contributing enough when he is working very inefficiently and doing the bare minium of housework and childcare by the sound of it.

Another thing I would add, contrary to the MN consensus. Having a 'stressful' job where you do loads of hours outside of the contracted, needs to be reviewed when you become a parent. I changed my job when I had my 2nd DC, as it wasn't viable.

Likewise, I expect my DH not to let his work completely engulf our lives.

I would recommend getting back to work if you can @Selin91. I mainly WFH, although it can be intense and a busy role, not having to travel makes it much more manageable (i have a long term health condition too). When DC were small, it meant I could pay for childcare, which gave me the ability to take an AL day to myself sometimes and it worked out that we had contacts for weekend or evening babysitting too.

“I think the issue is sleep. I need a lot more than he does especially with my health problems and that’s always been the case but I can’t ask him to help when he’s barely sleeping as it is and I worry a lot about his health. My youngest is up every night for a minimum of 1 hour. I can never have a lie in because my 4 year old has a meltdown if I’m not there in the morning and it’s not fair to ask him to deal with that.”

Just on these practical points: it’s hard but i think you need to take matters in hand a bit. When my younger went through a phase of waking in the night at a similar age, i would climb into the spare room bed with her so i was at least horizontal and usually drift off while she was chuckling and chatting. She would fall asleep at some point and we would wake together in the morning. You don’t have to be up with your child in the middle of the night just because your child is awake. Similarly you don’t have to pander to your 4 yo because she has a meltdown. Children have meltdowns sometimes but that doesn’t mean they get what they want. It is fair to ask your DH to deal with that at weekends. Your 4 yo will learn to get over you not being there in the morning from time to time but only if that happens sometimes.

Hello, I have almost the same set up as you (my youngest is 14 months) We also split in a similar way to you but we take turns to have a lie in at the weekends. But working til 2am regularly doesn't sound sutainable. My husband does this very occasionally but I would be worried if it was often.

Something I think posters are missing is that your husband probably wants to be with you and the kids and thats why it has worked out this way. My husband does but I have noticed with friends a lot of men want to work and then have time on their own. It's great that you are a real partnership and you shouldnt feel bad for leaning on him when you need it.

My first husband cut the grass and emptied the bin. I did everything else and worked.

OP, is your medical condition being properly managed by your GP? If this isn't adequately addressed, no matter how many chores you load onto your husband, your underlying fatigue will not be resolved.

Stop using the word help.

Its sounds fair to me.

Are you saying that because your dh didn’t contribute sufficiently that everyone else’s husband shouldn’t?

well it sounds like he works long hours and evenings as well but pitches in when he’s there.

I think he's doing a lot but if you are struggling talk to him.

Maybe he's happy to give you a lie in each weekend to rest and spend time with his kids.

The little one will hopefully start to sleep better soon

Does your 4 year old sen as if not they need to pack in the tantrums and are old enough to amuse themselves for a short time

That’s all well and good if the extra hours in the evening are necessary. What can he be doing between midnight and one or two though that is effective really?

It sounds like he is trying to get his evening “personal space” back after he has “helped” with bath and bed and when you have young dc you just can’t do that. You have to prioritise good sleep so you can step up the next morning.

I’m going against the grain here. Whilst he is at work you are also working looking after one or two children and cooking/cleaning. When he is home duties should be split so in evenings/weekends you should both be doing an equal amount. Not fair for him to be watching tv whilst you clean if you have had the kids all day/cooked dinner/not stopped

so as long as in eves and weekends the domestic labour is shared then that is fair.

”more than most husbands” doesn’t cut it for me as more than zero is still zero.

I have no idea what you’re asking?

So your DH works FT in a demanding job and shoulders the entire financial load. He also does a lot at home when he’s there which you freely admit.

What is it you want to happen?

Why is he working till 1 or 2 and also getting up with the kids? He must be shattered.

I think you have to take the health needs and sleep needs into account rather than looking to be equal. Personally I have low sleep needs and it's normal for me to be up until 2am and awake at 6.30am. I'm the sahm in our relationship and I use the time to do my finance admin and batch cook as the dcs would sleep through and I had uninterrupted time. It was my normal sleep time pre-dcs too, for decades. It won't lead to burn out if it's your natural sleep cycle.
DH needs to be in bed by 10pm and was always wrecked when dcs woke in the night although he would do all he could in the day. Sounds like OP is more like that and is struggling because of sleep/health needs rather than DH not pulling his weight.

OP we started our dcs in a preschool from age 2.5, just 3 hours a day, which was a good way to get a break. Your youngest is still a bit young at 18m but you could look around to see if there 1are any in your area and start them a bit early.

She also said "he will always tidy up after dinner when he gets home and tidies the kitchen/play area before bed. On weekends he sometimes also makes breakfast and lunch"
As well as walking the dog. So it really sounds like he's always taking part in what needs to be done whenever he is home, and then works very late. It doesn't sound at all like he's just sitting around doing nothing while she runs around doing it all.

Op, this might set the cat among the pigeons but.. sleep train and once you're getting unbroken sleep you won't know yourself.

My argument is that he would presumably make dinner and tidy up afterwards and make breakfast and lunch for himself at weekends too as a single person without a family?

The only difference is that he is tidying up toys.

Pet ownership is a joint decision.

Look it depends on how everyone views this but I come from having lived in Germany a while where the attitude was doing an 8 to 6 paid job is classed as “working” as is looking after an 18 month old and a four year old all day (and some of the night).

The house work should therefore be shared equally with the person who is at home perhaps doing a bit more but not substantially more.

There is a reason why childcare is expensive and that’s bc it is a demanding job too if you are doing it right.