What’s a fair split as a SAHM?

[Selin91]

I have 2 DD- 4yo and 18month old. Just genuinely curious how families with a SAHM share the load and if my split is fair. Will start by saying DH is a great father and husband so if I ask him to do more I know he would but I don’t want to be unfair.

At the moment my 4yo is at nursery 4 days a week and my 18mo home with me. DH WFH 2 days a week finishing at 5:30pm but on the days he’s in the office we don’t see him until 6.15pm. After helping with bath and bedtime he often stays up until 1-2am working as his job is very demanding.

I do all nursery drop offs and pickups and on his wfh days he sometimes helps get the kids ready in the morning. On days he’s in the office he will unload the dishwasher, wash bottles and feed the dog before he goes. I do 100% of all cooking and cleaning except he will always tidy up after dinner when he gets home and tidies the kitchen/play area before bed. On weekends he sometimes also makes breakfast and lunch but I always do dinner. I do all food shops and admin/mental load. He walks the dog.

We split bedtimes but my 18 month old is a very tricky sleeper and I am the default parent for night wakes for both. If things are particularly bad I will ask him to help but DD often won’t go to him. On weekends I give him a lie in at least once a week but recently I asked him to help more in the mornings and he has been, although I’m not sure if I’m being unfair. I sleep more than him most days although my sleep is broken and his isn’t.
I should also add I have some health problems which mean I sometimes have to ask him to do a bit more in the evenings.

Thank you all. I wasn’t actually saying he wasn’t doing enough so maybe my first post was worded badly. It was more that I wanted to ask for help in the night but I feel bad to do that. @FrauPaige im back and forth to the doctors it’s been a year and nothing has helped yet but I really feel if I didn’t have the health problems I wouldn’t be asking this question as I’d happily do everything. Especially since I know he doesn’t take advantage. I also do all the laundry and I bathe the kids before he gets home most days. There are many jobs he hasn’t done in probably over a year such as cleaning bathrooms etc which would maybe be nice to have a break from sometimes but I definitely wouldn’t ask him to do regularly

He works in a job similar to consulting/investment banking so the hours are very long and will be for the foreseeable. I have told him many times he should take an easier job for lower pay but he enjoys his job and similar to what @Heronfast said he’s very low sleep needs (even before working long hours he would stay up all night). Not that I’m saying it’s ok for him not to sleep, it worries me a lot!

Also to be clear he doesn’t bear the full financial responsibility, we live partially off money I saved when working so that I could be a SAHM. I am planning on going back to work in a year and when I did work things were more 50/50 but I also had a cleaner and did a lot less cooking and my health wasn’t as bad.

I appreciate all the honest replies and maybe I need to find a way for him to have more free time while still seeing the kids.

I hope you can sort out something that works for you both op,

And indeed that you can both get more sleep!

You should each have a lie in at the weekend. He should split the cooking and cleaning at the weekend too.

The way I see it - in the week you both have full time ‘jobs’ him paid work you kids/house. It’s great he’s parents and chips in with that. But the weekend you both need equal downtime. So everything split 50:50 at the weekend

I’m a SAHM since having my third child.
It sounds like your husband already does a lot. Him staying up working until 1-2am at the end of his working day sounds like a lot and not sustainable for him ?

Just thinking practically. Your health is really important. The 18 month old needs to sleep more - can you do any sleep training? And the 4 year old should not be screaming for you in the morning and not letting you rest occasionally at the weekend. Can your DH take them out one morning at the weekend?

If money allows get a cleaner once a week?

You don’t say what your health issues are but don’t run yourself in to the ground and end up with chronic fatigue.

Bang on the money. Sounds pretty fair but I agree with you. Weekends OP should get Saturday morning lie in and Sunday DH gets a lie in.

DH could perhaps do the cooking at the weekends or 2/3 days out of the week.

Weekends should be 50-50 and that means childcare and cleaning cooking etc x

Also this. Working all day until 5:30pm then up to 1-2am? That’s like a 16 hour day potentially

Your 18 month old will get there with sleep eventually but as he has a lie in once a week I don't think it is unreasonable for you to have the other day.

I've never been a sahm but my dh has always done at least 3 night shifts a week with the kids despite working full time. Whilst on maternity Monday to Friday I would have cooked before he got home but on the weekends we got a takeaway on one of the days or he cooked both days. If chores aren't shared 50:50 on the weekend then as a sahm when do you ever get respite?

You could do things to make your life easier by cooking less often but larger meals so you have left overs for the next day. Batch cooking so you have meals that are homemade in the freezer when you just don't feel up to cooking. You could do an online food order which saves you traipsing the kids to the supermarket and most importantly your time.You could get a dog walker or just decide having a dog doesn't work for your family at the moment. As for bathing kids and laundry you could consider doing laundry on set days or bathing the kids every other day (just suggestions of course,I realise we all have our own non negotiables). If there is money available you could get a cleaner in once a month to do more of a deep clean.

I'd just sit and talk about how your health issues are impacting you and how his work hours are impacting him and look at how a better balance could be achieved for your whole family.

The only 'fair way' is for you to match his wage earning time with childcare and domestic work, then whatever doesn't get done in your work hours gets split between you.
So he works ten hours at work, you contribute ten hours in your work.
Its all a bit clinical of course, but if you can't settle organically into something that doesn't leave one or the other feeling they've got the rough end of the stick, I'm not sure how else you can do it.
I'd start by telling him how my day was spent, including time taken rather than just task completed so it was clear why you were tired and/or there were thing outstanding still to be shared out.

Tbh as a sahm and then as a PT worker, I did everything house related. DH was very hands on with DC, bathing bedtime etc in the evenings, but it made sense to me to get the jobs done during working days so that evenings and weekends could be family time without chores. For me, that was the main benefit of being a sahm

What are you struggling with exactly? Would you find it easier to put the 18 month old in nursery and work yourself?

He could maybe take them to visit his mum sometimes but again I feel bad like I’m being a bit lazy doing that I don’t know! My health problems have been getting worse.

I have POTS and something wrong with my right arm and leg which the doctors can’t find on scans but it makes doing all the cleaning and cooking and carrying the baby around pretty painful. Money doesn’t really allow a cleaner but I don’t mind cleaning too much and I can see how that’s really my job. It obviously just gets a bit boring!

working till 1-2am cant be healthy.

Would you consider going back to work, it does sound like part of it is you don’t enjoy being at home. Which is no judgment, I couldn’t do it, but one child is already in nursery so put the little one in and maybe you can afford a cleaner? Sleep will work itself out.

He does more than his fair share.

I‘m sorry to hear about your health issues OP. Are you on any treatment for the POTS? I hope you get to the bottom of the pain too.

It does sound tough for you. I am sure your DH wouldn’t mind taking the kids over tohis Mum’s from time to time so you could have a rest/break. And then if he could cook and help out with chores at the weekend that my help.

I do agree with the other poster that maybe going back to work would be more restful! If it’s a desk job? Then using that money for extra help in the house. But you may not be ready to yet and that’s also understandable

@Selin91 I hear what you're saying about broken sleep. My DC1 didn't sleep through the night until he was 10 (autistic) and it's a killer. My DH worked and I was a sahm so I always let him sleep in during the week-end. I did everything concerning our 2 dc, cooking, cleaning and he did the weekly shopping.

What saved me was to have a nap every day. With one of the dcs when they were younger (I had them with me until they started school). DH made sure that I got 2 hours in the afternoon to lie down and not be disturbed. It was a lifesaver.

My DH WHF 1 day a week and is in the office the other four days. He usually puts our 2yr old to bed after I’ve bathed 2yr old and the 10 month old. That’s pretty much it. He’ll occasionally take one of them to the park and will occasionally give the toddler breakfast as he has flexible working and tends not to head into the office early. Doesn’t do much housework or cooking.

If I ask, he’ll try and settle the baby or will occasionally get the toddler up in the morning.

Equal leisure time

The only times I have been a SAHM are twice on maternity leave for 6-8 months, but the second time I had a 2 year old at home full time and a newborn. I did pretty much everything domestic as I was home while my husband was either at work or working from home. I had plenty of time around outings and playing etc. I work part time now and still do the lions share - all the cooking, food shopping, washing, school runs, life askin and cleaning. But my husband does do small things like hang out washing, unload the dishwasher, help clear up after meals. He also does all the gardening and the maintenance on our land. This is a fair split for us, we also equally split the evening sports training for the kids (as we both coach different sports).

Just as an aside you don't need to be bathing them every day unless they are both getting particularly filthy?

When I was SAHM Ihusband was military worked 8.30-6 when not away. I did everything in the home ie cleaning, shopping, cooking, packed lunches. Laundry. Husband washed dinner dishes and packed away his own laundry dry. He did bath time and bed time( every other night) as he like having time with kids. Weekends we decided on a day each to have a lie in which would alternate or flexible depending if we had a later night the night before.

Your DH stays up until 1.00 or 2.00 am to work, he shouldn't be asked to help during the night with DC and should be able to have a lie in at the weekend unless you want him to burn out, you are bu and should do more.

Sorry didn't realise you have such health problems but your DH is still doing too much with not enough sleep.

I don’t think mine is a good example, I’m not happy with the split that much. But just so you know what else is out there….. it could be worse!!

5 yo and 2 yo (nursery) and 0

me: all school and nursery runs. All extra curricular activities. All cooking during week and half weekend. All night wakes for the baby. All grocery ordering. All house cleaning.
all laundry for me and the kids. Majority of childcare solo at weekend

husband: cooks one family meal at the weekend. 2 x unload dishwasher a week (it’s on daily) 2 x hoover the downstairs.

Lie in every day on weekday while I get all kids breakfast and dressed and to school. He doesn’t come down until after we leave.
he has a lie in both days at the weekend, perhaps once a month he will give me a lie in but won’t take the baby.

He will do majority of toddler night wakes (only wakes when ill and needs calpol).

cleans the car mows the lawn. Washes own laundry

will look after older 2 kids for 2 -3 hours total at the weekend