AIBU to keep dating a man who doesn’t see his child?

[Enrie]

Hi all, so I’m in my late 20s, I have 2 children and I’m a single mum. Their dad is very much involved we have roughly 50/50 split on time and he contributes to all of their costs, I can’t really fault him. I don’t want more children, I’ve known that since I had my youngest 4 years ago.

A few months ago I started dating a man, he’s lovely, he has a normal good job, treats me very well. At the weekend we had a long chat about where things are going. He said he wanted to be honest about something before we take this any further and would understand if this put me off him.
He told me he has a 4 year old daughter with his ex, he explained he doesn’t see her and hasn’t seen her since she was a newborn. He told me he pays maintenance, he messages her mum every now and then to see if she needs anything.
I asked why doesn’t he see her and he explained that he was 23 when his ex found out she was pregnant, she had been on the pill but had been feeling unwell and being sick and they probably should have used a condom but it didn’t really occur to him at the time. When she told him she was pregnant he did want her to have an abortion as he wasn’t and still doesn’t feel ready for the responsibility of fatherhood. He explained that he does think it is a little unfair that had she wanted an abortion but him not she would have been able to have one anyway, but in reverse he got no say.
He told me he has at times wanted to meet his daughter and he is on her birth certificate but has always felt like he shouldn’t meet her unless he is fully prepared to step up and he didn’t feel he is. He also explained she lives down on the East Sussex coast and we are in London, so it wouldn’t be easy for him to fully step up.

Now I’m not looking for someone to be a dad to my kids, he hasn’t met them and I’m in no hurry for him to meet them. I also don’t want more children and I think a part of me does respect his explanation even if I don’t really respect his choice fully. We will stick to only seeing each other on the week I don’t have my children if I do decide to continue seeing him.

Anyway AIBU to want to keep seeing a man who has no relationship with his child?

His behaviour towards a child says everything. I could never be with a man that does this.

See I think I normally agree, but he explained that he told his ex when she told him she was pregnant that he didn’t want to be a dad and that if she continued the pregnancy then she would be doing that under the knowledge that he would meet his financial responsibility and no more. So when does it fall onto the mum? If she chose to continue the pregnancy knowing the dad wouldn’t be involved?

Solid nah. A good man steps up.

Get like Iron Maiden and run to the hills.

That would be a total turn off for me. The 'poor me if things had been reversed, which they werent but poor me anyway' and the 'London and Sussex are so far away from each other' bullshit would leave me with an aversion to being in the same room as him. Let alone his total inability to step up and be a father. He does understand that sex makes babies, presumably.

He chose to risk being a father when he had sex without condoms.

He’s no better than any other deadbeat father because he told his pregnant gf to get an abortion or he was offski.

It doesn't fall to the mum. He had sex. He knows what sex is for, as well as fun.

Yuck
immediate red flag
he has a child he ignores

Oooh OP this sounds a bit like you’re blaming her for him being a bad Dad - not a great look. Why should she have an abortion just he didn’t want his daughter? It doesn’t sound like the mum is forcing him to step up but his own guilt says it all really. If he can’t be a dad to his own daughter it sounds like he isn’t ready to be an adult and be in an adult relationship - I’d steer clear.

I cant tell you you are unreasonable because its up to you how you feel about a man who doesnt care about his child. I can say that I couldnt date someone like that because it says something about his character that would be a huge turn off for me.

But there are people who feel that a man doesnt have to care about a child he never wanted and thats a view they are entitled to.

Ugh
he stuck his dick in her quite happily, he doesn't get to decide he's not ready to be a parent. How can you respect him? How can you respect yourself if you stay with him?

Nope, he's a selfish shitbag...stick your uncovered dick in a woman then that's the risk you take...plus he sounds stupid

And you know fatherhood and stepping up isn’t easy but you know who has done that - his ex!
Look how easily he’s making excuses
he was 23 not 16
it’s such massive, vile turn off
hes showing you who he is and what you’ll tolerate / understand
run a million miles away

No. I think he’s kicking the can down the road. His little girl would likely want to meet him in time and then you’d be supporting that in the future.

The bar is so low for men. Imagine just paying rather than seeing the opportunity to be a father and step up.

Wouldn't touch him with a barge pole. It doesn't matter what the ex did once he said he wouldn't step up on a moral or emotional level, its that he wouldn't step up on a moral or emotional level.

I couldn’t date someone who didn’t see their child, especially for no good reason. He might not be ready, but there’s a little girl out there who is going to feel a lot of rejection in the future. It’s a line in the sand for me, but your choice.

Why is his name on the birth certificate then? She cant put him on there he has to do it

You only know his side of the story.
The flip side is that he’s an abusive asshole who the mother is protecting the child from.

Either way it’s a no from me.
Any decent person has a relationship with their child. If there’s no relationship you have to ask why.

Are you actually for real or baiting MNetters?

I have a family member who had no involvement with his child as they grew up. I don't understand that but he is a decent man so I wouldn't write someone off as a bad person or undateable for making that choice. But I would be thinking it through carefully if you still want more children.

A decent man would not do this.

Regardless of whether he wanted the child or not, he has one and it tells you all you need to know about what sort of person he is that he doesn’t want to see her. Throw him back.

I did ask this, he said she asked him to be on the birth certificate because at the very least the child deserves to know who her dad is, and that at the end of the day it’s a legal document you shouldn’t really be leaving the dad off if you know who he is.

He would have to attend, so did he not meet his daughter then?

Sex and nothing else imo - he has some growing up to do

I’m being completely honest here. I wouldn’t have had a child if I knew the dad didn’t want to be involved. Obviously his ex was entitled to make that choice and say she wanted the child anyway.
I am really undecided as before meeting this man, I’d have fully agreed that any man who doesn’t step up is horrible.

… because he still has an obligation to the child. This “she continued the pregnancy” take stopped being a foolproof when I was in secondary school debate class at age 15 (watched someone absolutely eviscerate it). His obligation is not to the mother, and her choices, whatever they are, do not cancel out his responsibility to a child he helped create. He thinks that it’s okay to bow out after he’s gotten his and if a pregnancy happens, just say, “Fine, but I won’t be involved and I’ll only give financial support.” First of all, this is some serious fucking emotional blackmail for his ex. “Get an abortion, because the child isn’t going to have an active father.” I mean, are you cool with that, OP?

And isn’t it amazing how many men DON’T have the courage to say “I won’t be an involved father if you continue a pregnancy” BEFORE they have sex??? Quite amazing really! Almost like they just wanted sex, and then DGAF. Oh right, it seems like that because IT IS that.