AIBU to keep dating a man who doesn’t see his child?

[Enrie]

Hi all, so I’m in my late 20s, I have 2 children and I’m a single mum. Their dad is very much involved we have roughly 50/50 split on time and he contributes to all of their costs, I can’t really fault him. I don’t want more children, I’ve known that since I had my youngest 4 years ago.

A few months ago I started dating a man, he’s lovely, he has a normal good job, treats me very well. At the weekend we had a long chat about where things are going. He said he wanted to be honest about something before we take this any further and would understand if this put me off him.
He told me he has a 4 year old daughter with his ex, he explained he doesn’t see her and hasn’t seen her since she was a newborn. He told me he pays maintenance, he messages her mum every now and then to see if she needs anything.
I asked why doesn’t he see her and he explained that he was 23 when his ex found out she was pregnant, she had been on the pill but had been feeling unwell and being sick and they probably should have used a condom but it didn’t really occur to him at the time. When she told him she was pregnant he did want her to have an abortion as he wasn’t and still doesn’t feel ready for the responsibility of fatherhood. He explained that he does think it is a little unfair that had she wanted an abortion but him not she would have been able to have one anyway, but in reverse he got no say.
He told me he has at times wanted to meet his daughter and he is on her birth certificate but has always felt like he shouldn’t meet her unless he is fully prepared to step up and he didn’t feel he is. He also explained she lives down on the East Sussex coast and we are in London, so it wouldn’t be easy for him to fully step up.

Now I’m not looking for someone to be a dad to my kids, he hasn’t met them and I’m in no hurry for him to meet them. I also don’t want more children and I think a part of me does respect his explanation even if I don’t really respect his choice fully. We will stick to only seeing each other on the week I don’t have my children if I do decide to continue seeing him.

Anyway AIBU to want to keep seeing a man who has no relationship with his child?

Run for the hills.

This " nice guy " has already let down his own offspring op and doesn't seem to even like women and respect them as equal human beings, you think he is your next prince? Go ahead be stupid and come tell us how he lets you down in the very near future.

I said yanbu by accident I meant YABU . Get rid for sure . It’s the absolute height of selfishness that he would do this to his own child .

But he knew that there was a chance she could get pregnant by having sex with her in the first place. It's kind of the risk you run.

Men have the choice not to ejaculate inside a woman's body. If they choose to do that, that IS consenting to a potential baby.

No way are you not only defending this man but also blaming/judging the mother for going ahead with the pregnancy

It’s not about his ex and her choices, though. You can disagree with her decision, but that’s irrelevant. She could be the Wicked Witch of the West and it would be irrelevant. What matters is that there is a child out there that is 50% him and he has nothing to do with her. How fundamentally broken as a human does a person have to be to not want a relationship with their own child?

You have children, can you imagine a world in which you wanted nothing to do with them and never saw them? Can you imagine how a child will feel, growing up knowing they have a parent who has no interest in them? Not a random hypothetical child, look at your child and imagine how they would feel in that circumstance. How does this not horrify you?

OP you are being naive here.

He doesn’t want anything to do with the child but is on the BC, pays maintenance and regularly messages the mum - how does that make sense.

Sounds like he wants to be in a relationship with her but she doesn’t want it and that’s why he’s not seeing the kid.

I wouldn’t get with any man who doesn’t want to see their children.
Every child deserves to know who their mum and dad are.
But he is worse and I wouldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him.

You know if you get serious and he moves in, your kids are gonna hateeeee him

He was also 23 - a grown man who chose to run the risk of pregnancy.

If he had been 14yo then he’d have the excuse of being young and dumb but he was literally a grown adult.

OP, he hasn’t answered your question about WHY he doesn’t see his daughter.

“…he wasn’t and still doesn’t feel ready for the responsibility of fatherhood.”

“…always felt like he shouldn’t meet her unless he is fully prepared to step up and he didn’t feel he is.”

It’s absolutely ok for a young man to not be ready for the responsibility of fatherhood before he has children. But your fella is a father. He has that responsibility whether he feels ready for it or not! His “feelings” in the matter are irrelevant.

So, your question to him shouldn’t be “Why don’t you see your daughter?” It should be “Why are you not stepping up to the reality of your responsibility to your child?”

I have a cousin who dated a guy with a similar story. No prizes for guessing how often he sees the child she subsequently got pregnant with.

So what's made you change your mind?

“it wouldn’t be easy for him to step up”
as she lives on the Sussex coast. So a 60 minute train journey once a fortnight?

How easy has it been for the (single) mother to step up to raising his child 365 days a year?

What is he doing with his life that justifies that he is not ready to have regular contact? Does he not have enough time drinking with his mates, playing computer games?What does ‘not ready’ even mean?

A decent human being would make the minor adjustments necessary to see her every couple of weeks. It is a huge red flag imo.

In my opinion there is absolutely never an excuse for this. He had unprotected sex and knew the potential consequences. None of this is “on the mum”. If you’d normally agree I’m really shocked actually that you’d so quickly accept his excuses and think this is ok because you fancy him. Where is your integrity?
How would you explain this situation to your own children as they’re bound to ask eventually. Be careful what message you’re sending.

You’re a mum and your ex behaves reasonably. You seem happy for this ‘man’ to behave terribly to his child. How can you think this is okay? You don’t know if what he’s telling you is the truth, but you should surely know it’s not the right thing to do by his child? He was equally responsible for the conception and it’s not his decision about whether to continue with the pregnancy. What will happen when this poor child is an adult and comes asking for answers?
Agree with pp do a Clare’s Law and get out of this relationship.
Finalky. If his judgement is so suspect in this he’ll not step up and support you when you need it. So what’s the point of continuing?

This.

Dump and run.

You will be the woman in 2 years times wondering why he doesn't step up and he will say 'Well, I told you I didn't want a baby'.

He's scum. Nothing more. As a mother yourself you must realise this.

Men don’t have to bear the burden of many things in life so the least they can do is wear a condom. He failed to do this, she got pregnant, he should deal with the consequences but instead he ran like a pathetic man child. He’s grim, I don’t know why you’d want to see him again.

She fancies this one and wants to pretend it's ok so she can keep seeing him...

I can't really vote whether you are being U or not, because it's a decision only you can make.

Actually, no. I can. YABU. He's a twat, a total deadbeat. And women like you make it possible for men like him to behave that way. Perhaps if women stopped dating these cretins they'd realise that it isn't ok. That's not to say I blame women for men's behaviour, but at need to stop condoning it.

He had to physically be there to put himself on the birth certificate though - she couldn't do it for him

I mean I (kind of) understand not being ready to step up to fatherhood… but not seeing the child at all? Surly some contact just so the child knows who her dad is would be better than this? Doesn’t mean he has to be dad of the year but he should really take some responsibility or at least have a bit of consideration for his daughter?

Throw him back…

Is this some kind weird reverse where you're the deadbeat dad trying to come up with an excuse for abandonment that you think will pass muster with a woman with two kids?

Because you say you have 2 kids and how do you think they would feel if their dad just fucked off and never saw them again?

This guy doesn't think women should have body autonomy. That's a big red flag and you don't seem to grasp that concept either.

Parental abandonment harms children who did nothing wrong. That's the bottom line.

And you're here twisting yourself into knots trying to defend the indefensible.

OP normally I would have said its a massive red flag, a man who doesn't see his children
But, IF his story is true I would not necessarily rule him out
he believed there was no risk of pregnancy (true, a condom would have been a wise choice, but they can also fail)
he was up front with the woman about what he was prepared to offer, so she made an informed choice
he has supported the baby financially
he was only 23

I would ask for the contact details of the mother of this child and find out if all these details are accurate. If they are I would proceed with caution.
If they are not, dump him immediately

He's a shitty person and deadbeat dad. He's shown you who he is. Why do you want a relationship with him.