AIBU to keep dating a man who doesn’t see his child?

[Enrie]

Hi all, so I’m in my late 20s, I have 2 children and I’m a single mum. Their dad is very much involved we have roughly 50/50 split on time and he contributes to all of their costs, I can’t really fault him. I don’t want more children, I’ve known that since I had my youngest 4 years ago.

A few months ago I started dating a man, he’s lovely, he has a normal good job, treats me very well. At the weekend we had a long chat about where things are going. He said he wanted to be honest about something before we take this any further and would understand if this put me off him.
He told me he has a 4 year old daughter with his ex, he explained he doesn’t see her and hasn’t seen her since she was a newborn. He told me he pays maintenance, he messages her mum every now and then to see if she needs anything.
I asked why doesn’t he see her and he explained that he was 23 when his ex found out she was pregnant, she had been on the pill but had been feeling unwell and being sick and they probably should have used a condom but it didn’t really occur to him at the time. When she told him she was pregnant he did want her to have an abortion as he wasn’t and still doesn’t feel ready for the responsibility of fatherhood. He explained that he does think it is a little unfair that had she wanted an abortion but him not she would have been able to have one anyway, but in reverse he got no say.
He told me he has at times wanted to meet his daughter and he is on her birth certificate but has always felt like he shouldn’t meet her unless he is fully prepared to step up and he didn’t feel he is. He also explained she lives down on the East Sussex coast and we are in London, so it wouldn’t be easy for him to fully step up.

Now I’m not looking for someone to be a dad to my kids, he hasn’t met them and I’m in no hurry for him to meet them. I also don’t want more children and I think a part of me does respect his explanation even if I don’t really respect his choice fully. We will stick to only seeing each other on the week I don’t have my children if I do decide to continue seeing him.

Anyway AIBU to want to keep seeing a man who has no relationship with his child?

Absolutely 💯
I did say earlier that she was also responsible. The difference is she stepped up... she knew there consequences and is dealing with them.

I’m probably on the other side of the fence, I had a baby at a young age , the “father” was open and said he didn’t want the child. I carried on and had the baby, he’s never seen nor paid financially anything towards the child. I’ve heard from people he tells them he doesn’t have children & on dating apps has put no on the child question.

He’s been decent and told you he’s got a child, if you aren’t planning on having more children I don’t think there’s anything wrong with continuing too see him. I agree it’s one sided if the roles were reversed he’d have no say either way really , he was honest and upfront and she chose to go ahead.

He explained that he does think it is a little unfair that had she wanted an abortion but him not she would have been able to have one anyway, but in reverse he got no say.

Well, there are only two ways to change the law to make this fair:

1. if a woman wants to abort with the pregnancy and the father doesn't, she's banned from an abortion

2. if a woman wants to continue with the pregnancy and the father doesn't, she can be court-ordered to have an abortion (not sure how you would enforce this - literally strap her down?)

Which does he think is the better option? What changes to the law does he want?

There was nothing pick me or lacking in self esteem about it at the time. Women can and do have sexual preferences too. I also preferred sex without a condom, so we made a mutual choice not to use them. My agreement to no condoms was nothing to do with his pleasure, it was me saying "I prefer sex without condoms, if you also prefer sex without condoms then we don't have to use them". The idea that only a man would prefer sex without a condom just isn't true.

He may seem kind and friendly, many many people do when you first meet them. What people are actually like is a lot harder to know- it takes knowing them for a long time, going through stressful things together, them seeing you at your worst and still sticking around....all these things take time. In your case, I would argue this action, of not having a relationship with him own little girl, despite knowing the effect this is likely to have on her, through absolutely no fault of her own- is a nice little short cut telling you exactly what he's really like. Your judgement will naturally be clouded by the fact that you want a relationship, and fancy him, and want to somehow make this ok when it's THIS person- it really isn't ok. He is not a good person.

I would also worry about EVER introducing him to your kids. I know your kids have a father but as they are young, if this relationship ever went further... it sounds like he'd have zero interest in them? You could never live with him realistically because he'll just resent your children's existence. What would you do for holidays like Christmas... just have him sit at home alone so you can be around your kids?

It's one thing to know that you probably don't ever want kids, it's another to actually have a child you have nothing to do with and then try to date someone who has kids?

Men absolutely have a choice about pregnancy prevention, but the timing is different: they can choose to have sex with a condom…or not. If he’d wrapped it up, this wouldn’t have happened. He chose not to take any responsibility for his own fertility, and dumped the entire burden of birth control, the decision to get an abortion or not, and then raising the child on his ex GF.

Since he doesn’t want children and has a poor track record in this department, I’m curious if he’s taken responsibility and had a vasectomy. If he’s still putting the burden of pregnancy prevention on a woman, run.

Why would a man who doesn't want children and takes no responsibility for his own other than financial get together with a woman with children? Is it because the kids are someone else's responsibility so he doesn't have to deal?

Why would a woman with children want a relationship with a man that she knows from the getgo he's at his core so dead selfish he's abandoned a kid?

Then, what if something happens to the mom? Would he leave his kid to the not so tender mercies of the foster care system? It sounds like he would. He feels his abandonment is justified because he couldn't force his gf to have an abortion after having unprotected sex with her.

Aren't his selfishness and lack of responsibility and views about the body autonomy of women deal breakers for you? Do you seriously think a man with those values can make you happy? You really want him modeling that for your kids?

"he's a lovely man...treats me very well"

Versus

He is not man enough to step up and be a parent

Yet another male that has taken no responsibility for their actions

He is unkind

He has no redeeming qualities

@Enrie Unfortunately I have direct and ongoing experience with a man like this. It’s complicated as down the line he became a brilliant dad in lots of ways. He’s not a ‘bad’ man in that he has decent traits and of course nobody is just one thing. People are complicated and I am sure there’s lots you get from this relationship otherwise you wouldn’t be contemplating staying in it. I also think people can change and contexts change people too.

However, one thing I can say with certainty that a person who is capable of not being in their child’s life and can otherwise get on with their life and pursue a relationship, for example, has the ability to be extremely cold (understatement).

You may be lucky and never be at the receiving end of it. But make no mistake that he’s capable of objectively dark and deplorable behaviour and you are always at risk of being subjected to that if you stay with him. It it was me, I’d not want him in my life. But it’s not me. I’m just sharing my experience.

Well, yes. If one parent doesn't want you to be a parent, then problems will be caused. The mother knew the situation and chose to go ahead.

But, I’d just do what you want to. The past of him, in this situation, isn’t your problem.

Dickblindness! 😂😂😂

Or not. Kids often don’t need to meet the biological dad if theres no secret or drama about him. Especially if they don’t know any different or have a decent step father.

Growing a baby inside your body is entirely different to contributing a bit of sperm which would be chucked away otherwise.

A Disney dad was my worse nightmare. Why would you want a man that didn’t think his child was the most precious thing,in your child’s life?

If he can treat his own child like this, I’d hate to see how he treats yours. Good luck for the future if you go long-term with this man, you’ll need it.

sorry in my mind he is spouting absolute rubbish and you are falling for it, any man who has fathered kids and doesn't see them and admits they wanted the mother to have a abortion has abandoned that child because they are still a child themselves. from what you have said he blames the mother and is playing victim. says he pays for the child i bet he left her and told her she was on her own and my guess is the mother had to go to the child support and claim. I have no doubt that he didn't offer to pay. east Sussex is not that far from London. its just lame excuses. i would dump him personally my daughter had someone do the same to her and he has told the new girlfriend the same sort of story your being told. if you chose to continue dating him please do a Claire's law and sarah's law through the police to maintain the safety of yourself and especially your children.