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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to keep dating a man who doesn’t see his child?

190 replies

Enrie · 25/03/2026 19:01

Hi all, so I’m in my late 20s, I have 2 children and I’m a single mum. Their dad is very much involved we have roughly 50/50 split on time and he contributes to all of their costs, I can’t really fault him. I don’t want more children, I’ve known that since I had my youngest 4 years ago.

A few months ago I started dating a man, he’s lovely, he has a normal good job, treats me very well. At the weekend we had a long chat about where things are going. He said he wanted to be honest about something before we take this any further and would understand if this put me off him.
He told me he has a 4 year old daughter with his ex, he explained he doesn’t see her and hasn’t seen her since she was a newborn. He told me he pays maintenance, he messages her mum every now and then to see if she needs anything.
I asked why doesn’t he see her and he explained that he was 23 when his ex found out she was pregnant, she had been on the pill but had been feeling unwell and being sick and they probably should have used a condom but it didn’t really occur to him at the time. When she told him she was pregnant he did want her to have an abortion as he wasn’t and still doesn’t feel ready for the responsibility of fatherhood. He explained that he does think it is a little unfair that had she wanted an abortion but him not she would have been able to have one anyway, but in reverse he got no say.
He told me he has at times wanted to meet his daughter and he is on her birth certificate but has always felt like he shouldn’t meet her unless he is fully prepared to step up and he didn’t feel he is. He also explained she lives down on the East Sussex coast and we are in London, so it wouldn’t be easy for him to fully step up.

Now I’m not looking for someone to be a dad to my kids, he hasn’t met them and I’m in no hurry for him to meet them. I also don’t want more children and I think a part of me does respect his explanation even if I don’t really respect his choice fully. We will stick to only seeing each other on the week I don’t have my children if I do decide to continue seeing him.

Anyway AIBU to want to keep seeing a man who has no relationship with his child?

OP posts:
Aislyn · 25/03/2026 20:30

Madthings · 25/03/2026 19:04

His behaviour towards a child says everything. I could never be with a man that does this.

Nailed it.

He isn't a good person. If he is selfish towards his own child, he will be selfish with you. You may not have seen this yet as he is trying to impress you currently.

You should end this as he is an unpleasant person.

canuckup · 25/03/2026 20:33

No

No

No

He chooses not to take responsibility for his child, another human??

Not for me

Jk987 · 25/03/2026 20:37

The child will be curious to meet him at some point. Is he really not going to make the first move and be involved before she knock on his door. Has he thought about the future at all?

Miyagi99 · 25/03/2026 20:37

Enrie · 25/03/2026 19:07

See I think I normally agree, but he explained that he told his ex when she told him she was pregnant that he didn’t want to be a dad and that if she continued the pregnancy then she would be doing that under the knowledge that he would meet his financial responsibility and no more. So when does it fall onto the mum? If she chose to continue the pregnancy knowing the dad wouldn’t be involved?

Show quote history

Doesn’t matter, it’s his child whether he wanted her or not. I wouldn’t have anything to do with him.

Newyearawaits · 25/03/2026 20:38

Enrie · 25/03/2026 19:07

See I think I normally agree, but he explained that he told his ex when she told him she was pregnant that he didn’t want to be a dad and that if she continued the pregnancy then she would be doing that under the knowledge that he would meet his financial responsibility and no more. So when does it fall onto the mum? If she chose to continue the pregnancy knowing the dad wouldn’t be involved?

Show quote history

But the child was born and is here.
I was a single parent and it would immediately change my view on someone who chose not to be involved in their child's life.

Pinkissmart · 25/03/2026 20:41

He’s happy to cause psychological hurt to another human being.

He was also happy to hide this from you .

yuk

Clonakilla · 25/03/2026 20:48

Sometimes life doesn’t go as planned and when there’s a child involved it’s up to the adults to be adults.

Your BF failed this basic test, and keeps failing it everytime he chooses not to do better.

I can’t fathom why anyone would find this appealing, unless their self esteem is on the floor.

Charlize43 · 25/03/2026 20:58

Dump him.

If he doesn't like kids and doesn't want to see his own daughter, then there is no future for you and your own kids, is there?

JWhipple · 25/03/2026 21:02

FFSToEverythingSince2020 · 25/03/2026 19:17

… because he still has an obligation to the child. This “she continued the pregnancy” take stopped being a foolproof when I was in secondary school debate class at age 15 (watched someone absolutely eviscerate it). His obligation is not to the mother, and her choices, whatever they are, do not cancel out his responsibility to a child he helped create. He thinks that it’s okay to bow out after he’s gotten his and if a pregnancy happens, just say, “Fine, but I won’t be involved and I’ll only give financial support.” First of all, this is some serious fucking emotional blackmail for his ex. “Get an abortion, because the child isn’t going to have an active father.” I mean, are you cool with that, OP?

And isn’t it amazing how many men DON’T have the courage to say “I won’t be an involved father if you continue a pregnancy” BEFORE they have sex??? Quite amazing really! Almost like they just wanted sex, and then DGAF. Oh right, it seems like that because IT IS that.

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And don't forget how unfair it is. I mean if he wanted the baby and she didn't, for some unknown reason she'd have more say in the matter! I mean why shouldn't a woman continue a pregnancy she doesn't want because the dad might feel like stepping up!
🙄I mean this poor man has had such a terrible time of it....

Ponderingwindow · 25/03/2026 21:12

Each person has control over their own bodies. That means men get to control their dna only until they deposit it into a woman. Then she gets control. If a baby is born, the baby then has autonomy. Such is life.

his baby was born and he felt able to walk away. Paying maintenance isn’t enough. If he isn’t there changing nappies and wiping noses, that tells me what I need to know about him as a person.

It doesn’t matter if he was ready to be a father. The child still needed a father and he failed.

noctilucentcloud · 25/03/2026 21:14

"he wasn’t and still doesn’t feel ready for the responsibility of fatherhood."
I know you say you don't want a dad for your children, but this statement to me suggests you're at different life stages and want different things out of a partner and relationship.

"but has always felt like he shouldn’t meet her unless he is fully prepared to step up and he didn’t feel he is."
Yes it's better he's not in and out of the child's life, but this seems an immature response to me - he should have stepped up.

"she lives down on the East Sussex coast and we are in London, so it wouldn’t be easy for him to fully step up."
That's a really weak excuse, it's not that far! Close enough to see the child weekly if he wanted.

canuckup · 25/03/2026 21:23

My brother did this, years ago. He paid maintenance for 18 years.

Never met his first child.

I judge him for this.

It's just so avoidant and cowardly, and assumes the mother will step up.

ohyesido · 25/03/2026 21:29

This is highly uncomfortable to me, I absolutely cannot agree with anyone who thinks a man should be able to relinquish his responsibilities towards a child simply because he wanted the mother to have an abortion.

if he’s old enough to have sex, he’s old enough to to take responsibility for any child conceived. Sex isn’t mandatory

men (and women) who insist that men should be absolved “because maybe she said she was on the pill!” are so incredibly immature and ignorant

RancidRuby · 25/03/2026 21:37

This would put me right off him, he’s a selfish prick and it says an awful lot about his character. Why haven’t you dumped him already? He must have a gold plated dick.

Morriba · 25/03/2026 21:38

Urgh, sulky people are very boring. Carrying on a sulk for years, ignoring your own child, because a woman disobeyed you, is for me indication of a man with skewed moral compass. But, it's up to you OP. Everyone has different priorities and defects they are prepared to overlook in a partner.

Tulipsriver · 25/03/2026 21:46

Enrie · 25/03/2026 19:07

See I think I normally agree, but he explained that he told his ex when she told him she was pregnant that he didn’t want to be a dad and that if she continued the pregnancy then she would be doing that under the knowledge that he would meet his financial responsibility and no more. So when does it fall onto the mum? If she chose to continue the pregnancy knowing the dad wouldn’t be involved?

Show quote history

It doesn't matter whether it feels fair that the mum made the choice to continue the pregnancy, what matters is the child who, whether he likes it or not, exists.

I would have no respect for someone who chose not to parent their child. So no, I would never date someone in that position.

Endofyear · 25/03/2026 22:11

It's very much up to you at the end of the day and no-one can tell you what you should do.

I can only speak for myself and I would definitely not want to be involved with a man who didn't see his child. I'm afraid I would lose all respect for him. Whether he 'feels able' to be a father or not, the reality is that he is a father - just an absent one. That little girl is going to have to grow up with and come to terms with his rejection. For me, this would be a dealbreaker.

Brainstorm23 · 25/03/2026 22:12

He's not ready to be a dad? He already is one just an incredibly shit one.

SherbertLemons · 25/03/2026 22:12

This is abhorrent to me. I understand he didn’t want to be a dad upon finding out his ex was pregnant, but his daughter is here now, and he is choosing to be absent from her life. Sorry OP his actions speak to his character and if it had been me he had said that to I wouldn’t want to date him anymore. In fact I wouldn’t even want to know him

HappyHedgehog247 · 25/03/2026 22:17

If he really didn't want a child he needed to take responsibility for contraception or avoiding the possibility of pregnancy. Of course he doesn't get to dictate because it's not his body. This child will have to come to terms with a dad who couldn't be bothered to have any role whatsoever. It's so unattractive!

SpryCat · 25/03/2026 22:18

If he still isn’t ready to meet his child again then he certainly isn’t ready to date a mum with two children.if it ever started to get serious he would run for the hills because he can’t commit

Morepositivemum · 25/03/2026 22:19

He’s 27 now and still doesn’t quite feel he’s ready to step up- if you see this going anywhere surely this leaves your kids at a huge disadvantage? Even if you don’t want him to be a father, can he show any amount of the maturity required to help them
in daily life?

JohnTheRevelator · 25/03/2026 22:20

You lost me at the point where you said he explained that he thought it was unfair that if she had wanted an abortion but not him she would have been able to have one anyway,but in reverse he got no say. I mean,WTAF? Not much respect for women's bodily autonomy,has he?

mindutopia · 25/03/2026 22:22

My mum did. Only found out years later that the reason he didn’t see any of his children (and now grandchildren) is because he was convicted of sexually abusing one of them. He has abused other children since. She stayed with him though because apparently he is a ‘good man’ (also very wealthy). All her children and grandchildren are NC with her now. Don’t bring losers into your kids’ lives.

BonfireNight1993 · 25/03/2026 22:22

If he brought this up with you organically, rather than because you found out, I'd be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. I wouldn't have wanted to be a parent at 23 and would have opted out. I think it's a massively sad situation but I don't think he's inherently a bad person because of it.