AIBU to keep dating a man who doesn’t see his child?

[Enrie]

Hi all, so I’m in my late 20s, I have 2 children and I’m a single mum. Their dad is very much involved we have roughly 50/50 split on time and he contributes to all of their costs, I can’t really fault him. I don’t want more children, I’ve known that since I had my youngest 4 years ago.

A few months ago I started dating a man, he’s lovely, he has a normal good job, treats me very well. At the weekend we had a long chat about where things are going. He said he wanted to be honest about something before we take this any further and would understand if this put me off him.
He told me he has a 4 year old daughter with his ex, he explained he doesn’t see her and hasn’t seen her since she was a newborn. He told me he pays maintenance, he messages her mum every now and then to see if she needs anything.
I asked why doesn’t he see her and he explained that he was 23 when his ex found out she was pregnant, she had been on the pill but had been feeling unwell and being sick and they probably should have used a condom but it didn’t really occur to him at the time. When she told him she was pregnant he did want her to have an abortion as he wasn’t and still doesn’t feel ready for the responsibility of fatherhood. He explained that he does think it is a little unfair that had she wanted an abortion but him not she would have been able to have one anyway, but in reverse he got no say.
He told me he has at times wanted to meet his daughter and he is on her birth certificate but has always felt like he shouldn’t meet her unless he is fully prepared to step up and he didn’t feel he is. He also explained she lives down on the East Sussex coast and we are in London, so it wouldn’t be easy for him to fully step up.

Now I’m not looking for someone to be a dad to my kids, he hasn’t met them and I’m in no hurry for him to meet them. I also don’t want more children and I think a part of me does respect his explanation even if I don’t really respect his choice fully. We will stick to only seeing each other on the week I don’t have my children if I do decide to continue seeing him.

Anyway AIBU to want to keep seeing a man who has no relationship with his child?

He wishes he could have legally forced his ex to have an abortion.

He feels entitled to consequence free sex but doesn't think the woman he has sex with ahould have the same right.

Has he had a vasectomy?
if you accidently got pregnant would you 100% opt for a termination?

That's the kind of man he is, does he still seem attractive?

Like I said, he did meet his daughter, when she was a newborn, mainly as his mum wanted to meet her granddaughter and to register the birth.

Leaving aside my views on him not being involved with his own child - where do you see this going long term? Are you planning on only ever seeing him when your children aren’t there? What if it gets more serious and you think about moving in together - doesn’t sound like he’s up for having kids around and that’s only going to lead to tension. It wouldn’t be fair on your children to expose them to a scenario where someone who doesn’t want kids is around a lot.

LOL. I think it says everything about his character and how he views women.

Keep dating him. Enjoy.

Ignore not seeing his child for now.
He wasn't and isn't ready to be a father. But when he is, you won't want to be a mum again as your family is complete.
You are at different stages in life- so incompatible for that reason.

I voted YANBU because I do agree that having a baby should be the decision of BOTH male and female, it’s not fair to force someone to have a baby when he doesn’t want and if he made this clear at the time, the mother went ahead knowing the child wouldn’t have their father.

With you having children though I would say it’s tricky, have you had the conversation about what would happen down the line if you were to live in together or become more long term? As if he’s being a step dad (even if he doesn’t no parenting) the child he doesn’t see will be hurt over this when they’re old enough to look for their dad.

Absolutely throw this one back.

Nothing would make me lose all respect and attraction for a man than a man who doesn't see his own child. And the comment about him thinking it was unfair that he had no say in whether she had an abortion -ick 🤢

It’s up to you. I’d worry about his long term prospects. You never said if he ever wants children (unless I missed it)- just that he’s not ready yet. At least you don’t want him as a dad to any of your children. It’d still put me off him. It’s like if a man was rude to waiting staff -well I’m never going to be his waitress so I’m not directly affected but it still makes me see him poorly.

I’d be put off by his explanation. This just rubs me the wrong way: “he has always felt like he shouldn’t meet her unless he is fully prepared to step up and he didn’t feel he is.”
That just reads like someone trying to paint not taking responsibility as some wise and mature decision when really it’s not.

This man is a piece of shit.
Simple as that, isn’t it?
He had sex, it resulted in a pregnancy. He then made the conscious decision to abandon that baby.
She’s 4 so she goes to school and sees everyone else with a Daddy and she doesn’t see hers because… he’s a lowlife piece of shit who can’t be arsed to “step up”.
He’s fucking 27 now.
But sure, keep shagging him and enjoy making excuses for him 👍🏻

You want someone like that in your kids' lives setting an example of what not to be?

He's a deadbeat. He may pay, but his choosing to be a deadbeat harms his child. What a guy! 🤮

Op can you imagine having a child and actively choosing to never see them? So that child is out in the world, that child that is 50% of you. And you…just don’t care enough to se them? It’s unthinkable isn’t it. Totally unfathomable.

Plenty of women throughout history have had babies they didn’t want. A tiny tiny minute fraction don’t then look after and love said child.

Poor little kid. What a cunt he is

Stuff like this really messes kids up. I think its pretty unforgivable without a valid reason and what he has said is not a valid reason

This is the biggest ick possible for me, so I'd be ending it immediately.

Think about how much you love your kids. Think about how cold hearted, bordering on sociopathic, you'd have to be to have a child that you had absolutely no interest in. It's indicative of almost sociopathic levels of selfishness. The ability to separate yourself from your child in this way. To justify it to yourself, and a new partner, with "well I wanted her to be aborted anyway". If you can still enjoy his company and want to have sex with after that then you crack on. But I'd have a big think about what sort of person he is if if I were you.

Men are not forced to be a parent, they have sex knowing it can result in pregnancy, they can do other sexual things, have vasectomies and use multiple forms of protection.

No one forces a man to be a parent, they are not entitled to consequence free sex.

He explained that he does think it is a little unfair that had she wanted an abortion but him not she would have been able to have one anyway, but in reverse he got no say.

How can you not see that ^ as a massive red flag? He's basically saying he doesn't believe women should have bodily autonomy, a man should be able to make medical decisions on behalf of women, that's what he's saying. He had a choice to wrap it or abstain but he chose to take the risk of a child being conceived instead and then walked away from his responsibilities and in doing will no doubt at some point cause this young girl to have emotional issues over the abandonment. Yeah sounds like a great guy.

Also every man I've known that doesn't see their children have been very bad news.

If the dad of your kids suddenly decided to abandon them because he decides he doesn't want to be a dad anymore what would your opinion of him be

If he didn’t want to be a dad he should have used a condom , frankly @Enrie you are just making excuses for him by saying he was upfront that he wouldn’t be involved . Does his mother still see the child or is she as flaky as the son she raised ?

My ex says shit like this. The reality is he was told to stay away, he was abusive and is now no longer able to see the kids unsupervised. He chooses not to see them at all.

I'd be looking into a clares law application. Can't hurt to check

OP my partner became a dad at 21. Unexpected, unplanned. He woulf hsve preferred not to continue but she did. They stayed together and raised the child til he was a teen when they split. He actually became the primary parent. That's a decent man. Your bloke didnt have to stay in the relationship but having no involvement is reprehensible. That child deserved an involved father.

I met a guy when I was young. Think we were both 22. I was just out of an abusive relationship and he treated me like a princess so thought he was the One. He'd just come out of the forces and had 2 kids he didn't see. I was told it was because the ex wouldn't let him. Who knows.

We all lived in the same town. I later heard the ex wouldn't let him see the kids because of me. As far as I knew they were over when we met and I didn't want to be involved in his kids lives.

I never wanted children so didn't think about him not wanting to see the ones he had. I'm not sure now looking back if he even paid maintenance. We married quickly and divorced just as quick. As far as I know he never had a relationship with his kids afterwards.

I didn't/don't see a problem with dating a guy that didn't see his kids but now know as a mum I don't think I could, and I certainly wouldn't involve someone in my kids lives who chooses not to be in their own kids lives.

Also, just to add to this, I was 22 when I found out I was pregnant with my DD, DH was 23 and really we barely knew each other.

I asked him what he thought we should do and he said he thought it might be better to have an abortion , but he supported me with whatever decision I made. Obviously I chose to have my DD, flashforward 13 years and we are very happily married, have another DD, have built an amazing life together and he is the best dad you could possibly imagine.

Neither of us were really ready, but we bloody did it anyway and our children have an amazing dad. Unfortunately we also have many members of our family who were unlucky enough to have children with absolute dickheads like your fella, and their children are growing up with dads who literally don't give a damn about them, probably wouldn't even recognise them on the street.

My ex was like this man. We were together for eight years and he left when I was pregnant. He didn’t pay maintenance and DD will be 29 this year - he saw her a handful of times but not once in the last 25 years.

DD has never known him so I suppose she hasn’t missed what she never knew. I stayed in contact with her paternal grandmother and aunt, and DD’s father pretty much discarded the rest of his family later in life too. It’s unlikely to be a one off - looking back, ex was detached and lacking in emotion (obviously he had good points too).

'His mum wanted to meet her grandchild'. Wow, how could she do that and then agree to walk away? She is as bad as her son!
How will he explain himself to his daughter when she chooses to find him.
Imagine letting the child grow up knowing her dad doesn't want her.
Dump him.

How utterly selfish of him. Ask him how he'd like it if his dad said that to him?

It's very unattractive .