AIBU to keep dating a man who doesn’t see his child?

[Enrie]

Hi all, so I’m in my late 20s, I have 2 children and I’m a single mum. Their dad is very much involved we have roughly 50/50 split on time and he contributes to all of their costs, I can’t really fault him. I don’t want more children, I’ve known that since I had my youngest 4 years ago.

A few months ago I started dating a man, he’s lovely, he has a normal good job, treats me very well. At the weekend we had a long chat about where things are going. He said he wanted to be honest about something before we take this any further and would understand if this put me off him.
He told me he has a 4 year old daughter with his ex, he explained he doesn’t see her and hasn’t seen her since she was a newborn. He told me he pays maintenance, he messages her mum every now and then to see if she needs anything.
I asked why doesn’t he see her and he explained that he was 23 when his ex found out she was pregnant, she had been on the pill but had been feeling unwell and being sick and they probably should have used a condom but it didn’t really occur to him at the time. When she told him she was pregnant he did want her to have an abortion as he wasn’t and still doesn’t feel ready for the responsibility of fatherhood. He explained that he does think it is a little unfair that had she wanted an abortion but him not she would have been able to have one anyway, but in reverse he got no say.
He told me he has at times wanted to meet his daughter and he is on her birth certificate but has always felt like he shouldn’t meet her unless he is fully prepared to step up and he didn’t feel he is. He also explained she lives down on the East Sussex coast and we are in London, so it wouldn’t be easy for him to fully step up.

Now I’m not looking for someone to be a dad to my kids, he hasn’t met them and I’m in no hurry for him to meet them. I also don’t want more children and I think a part of me does respect his explanation even if I don’t really respect his choice fully. We will stick to only seeing each other on the week I don’t have my children if I do decide to continue seeing him.

Anyway AIBU to want to keep seeing a man who has no relationship with his child?

Me pre kids I would have thought this was ok. Me as a mum, I can’t understand his viewpoint. I couldn’t imagine being friends with him let alone dating him.

And that is what men like him rely on.

You had your opinion on men like him for a reason. Now you’ve let him talk you round into how he’s different from all the rest, even though the story is as old as time - accidentally pregnant (which is a surprise despite using condoms), told her to get rid so it’s her fault she didn’t, went on the birth certificate entirely at her doing, etc etc.

He’s no different to any of the rest of the deadbeat dads.

If you are having sex, is he using condoms? If not he and he hasn't had a vasectomy he's learnt nothing has he.

It's up to you if you keep seeing him but personally I wouldn't be able to get past it, and as time went on it would gnaw away at me. I'd lose respect and there couldn't be a long term future. Somehow paying money but showing no interest seems all the more insulting, like he's buying his way out. I know that's not entirely logical as he very much should pay.

He's older now and distance is a very poor excuse.

Does his mum see her grandchild? Sad if not.

Men are more likely to have contact with sons than daughters. I’d wonder if that played a part regardless of what he said.

For many women an abortion is not an easy option. It causes mental health issues that can last for years. I’m tired of men thinking it’s fine to expect women to have an abortion just because it suits them.

I realise this is not the case for all women. But presumably this woman knew his stance and still decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. So there is a very high chance that she did feel an abortion would take a huge toll on her. Why should she put herself through that just for him? He had options and chose not to take them. I have no sympathy for any man who becomes a father but chose not to use condoms and then complainants wasn’t ready. He made a choice.

And now he is letting his daughter deal with the consequences of that choice and coming up with the lamest excuses in the world. He is not a nice person. He’s also waited until he feels you are invested before even telling you about the existence of his daughter. What a prince.

I would absolutely end this. Otherwise when your kids are not cute and adorable but hormonal teenagers with their own opinions he will be straight out the door. Think of the impact on them.

My DP has a daughter in her early 20s. She was a result of a one night stand when he was working away. He stepped up and tried to make the relationship work with her mum. He moved permanently to her country.

They did split up when the kid young but stayed in that country till she was a teenager. He moved back to the uk. But made a massive effort to see his kid in holidays and weekends each month. Even travelling Fridays and back Sunday night.

even though she now has her own life he sees her lots. He admits he didn’t want her and definitely wasn’t planned. But had to step up and be a presented.

Others have covered your direct question quite well enough so I'll say this: pregnancy is inherently unfair. Of course it is. A man's choices begin and end with deciding where to put his penis whereas once the woman is pregnant she alone can make choices that influence whether or not the pregnancy will result in a live birth. So yes, it is unfair. But any man who does anything but accept this fact and resolve to make good choices about where he puts his penis is truly one to be avoided.

that makes me feel really sad for his DD, his ex and his Mum.

He thought at times, he would like to meet her but...
Then he thought better not. Hmm.

He doesn't want children in his life and you have two.
If you continue the relationship and move in together or marry he will be a Step Dad, technically. Would he resent making room for them in his life? I think you'd have to be very careful in considering whether to have your children living with someone who doesn't want children in their life.

How is it any different than women who give their child up for adoption?

They don't see their child.
They don't raise them or financially contribute to a child they made.

Plenty of women have sex and decide they're not ready to be a parent, or just don't want to.
It's the exact same thing.
Men just aren't given the option to legally abandon their unwanted child like women are.

Christ, he's a peach isn't he.

I didn't want to be a Dad. DD happened anyway and so for 18 years I've been the best dad I can possibly be.

Your boyfriend took absolutely no responsibility for contraception, and when faced with the consequences of his actions, took the easy way out.

He knew the possible consequences of having sex, and he was unwilling to meet them. He's not a good guy, frankly I think he's scum

@Enrie your ex is a decent dad and co parent?

Now imagine if he wasn't a good dad? Imagine you had found out you were pregnant, you were scared and unsure but instead of supporting you he fucked off and left you, never to be seen again.

This is your new BF, congratulations. He's a catch.

He doesn’t understand why a woman has more of a say in an abortion than a man — that alone makes him a poor prospect. He just sounds like a bit of a loser overall, are you able to have much respect for him?

HRTFT but put yourself in that child's shoes. Where's daddy?

The distance being an issue also makes me laugh.

I know a man who does Birmingham-Glasgow every third weekend to be with his Dd. He does FaceTime multiple times a week. Uses all of his annual leave to spend time with her in the school holidays.

It’s not easy, but distance doesn’t prevent a relationship. That’s a choice.

I really couldn’t respect a man like this, and a man who can walk away from his own child will have no issue walking away from you when it suits him.

If he was absolutely sure he didn’t want children then he should have been taking responsibility for that himself and wearing a condom, not expecting his partner to take 100% responsibility for contraception AND expecting her to have an abortion.

It screams ‘selfish prick’ to me. Likely you’ll never be able to live together. Is that what you are looking for?

How anyone can want to be with a loser father who doesn’t see their kids is beyond me. The biggest turn off I can imagine. Poor little girl with that as a dad. OP if you stay, shame on you. Nothing like solidarity, is there.

also - you’ve basically said his daughters mum should have had an abortion. Lovely.

But she’s not you and she has every right not to go through a procedure with risks involved. She should not have had to have an abortion because a man told her he wouldn’t step up if she continued a pregnancy that could only be stopped through medical intervention.

All men know they cannot make a woman have an abortion yet he still had sex without a condom.

and in those 4 years every single day he still hasn’t stepped up. He hasn’t even tried, I couldn’t be with a man like that.

Not for me, I don’t care what age he was, he created a child who he now has nothing to do with.

id rather be with a man who looks after his responsibilities than a boy.

I agree @AllosaurusMum

What an absolute "Fuck You" this thread is to anyone who has been adopted. How do you all think children become available for adoption? Mostly because their mothers don't want them. Whether it's because they aren't ready or refuse to stop taking drugs or living with abusive men. They still don't want the child and don't pay maintenance either.

@Enrie Personally I wouldn't date any man who has children, whether he sees them or not but if otherwise he is a decent man, only you can decide if this is a deal breaker for you. As a future partner, living together, would the maintenance payments mean you had to pay more (above the extra for your children) into your joint household for example?

I think that besides the fact he doesn’t see his own child, he doesn’t want to be a dad. Im not sure how you could have a fulfilling long term relationship with someone who feels that way, as he won’t be interested in your young children at all. I know you don’t want him to be a dad to them, but you’d expect a partner to be a part of their lives in some way, and I don’t think he could be.

I can agree that it feels unfair that his ex could continue the pregnancy without his consent. It’s an unfortunate inequality of nature. However. When he found out that she was going to continue, he knew that his child was going to be born. His choices were the step up and be a parent, or walk away and leave a child who would grow up feeling rejected and unloved.

Does it suck for him that those were his choices? Yeah. But they were the reality and he made his choice. And he continues to make that choice every single day he doesn’t start a relationship with his daughter. That says everything about his character.

No because his choice was made when he had sex without a condom. Simples. If he didnt want the responsibility of a child he should not have risked pregnancy. Men know they get no options over abortion their choice is earlier and he made the choice to have unprotected sex.

If he didn't want want to be a dad that much he should have taken care to use his own contraception.
Personally i can't imagine how any parent could not feel anything but love and devotion to their child, even if the circumstances they became a parent weren't ideal, and I think not doing so is a big red negative character flag.
Even if you don't want/need him to be a 'father figure' to your kids, if you were to settle down with this man, live with him etc, he would still end up being a key presence in their life and it really doesn't sound like he would be suitable for that role.

I know two fellas who had kids young (younger than 23).

One, it was young love & they tried to make it work but it didn’t once the baby arrived. His mother was a good granny, but he went on to have more kids he wasn’t involved with.

The other, it was a one night stand. He stayed friends with the mother & had been there for his child since day one. He got married, so did she. She had more kids, he didn’t.

Anyway, it’s his choice to be a dad or not.
It’s good that your kids have their dad, OP.