Aibu ? Am I the arsehole ?

[NeatCyanSeal]

I’ve been with my oh for over 10 years and I just need to see if I am being unreasonable and a cow.

So since having kids I’ve put on a significant amount of weight. I’d like to go to the gym but everytime I mention it or bring it up, he starts or gets funny.
He goes to the gym, goes football , goes boxing etc literally comes and goes when he pleases.

I do absolutely nothing for myself nada not one thing. I haven’t left the house without my youngest since he’s been born. I do nothing without my kids. I’m literally last in the running. It’s the kids him me. I haven’t bought myself new clothes in years I look like a fat tramp everyday and I’ve got some issues going on which the doctor has told
me changing my lifestyle and losing a bit of weight would benefit me.

why is he kicking off everytime I mention it?
AIBU to suggest that he’s not allowed to go to the gym football etc if I’m not allowed to do anything? I did mention it and he said he’s not being controlled by me, but isn’t that what he’s doing to me???

edited *** I’m not sure if he’s insecure but I have no idea why I’m a fat slob so ain’t noona gonna be looking at me 🤣

You are unreasonable to suggest he doesn't go. You are also unreasonable to take his suggestion you don't go seriously. Do you have your own income? Can you sign up to the gym? Or is he controlling family finances, in which case you have a much bigger issue than the gym.

He’s controlling you

This sounds abusive and controlling.

that’s the issue I can’t. We don’t have anybody and I need him to watch the kids while I go. He won’t he will make plans himself if he knows. As it is I’m going out for the first night next month for years (concert) and that’s been a palava hes not too happy about that but I’m going. He doesn’t drink at all hes more into sports so he goes to sporting events a lot and does his own thing while I just stay at home. I don’t drive due to a medical condition.

erm he’s a bit stingy on what I buy. I have my own money but we put it together and he’s like the spending police. He’s signed up to 2 gyms, but I can’t even buy myself a pair of new trousers cos that’s not a neccesity apperently

He doesn't want to have to look after his own children, ever, even for short periods, and he doesn't want you looking or feeling good enough to be in a position to decide that you don't want to live this way. Hell, he doesn't want you to be healthy enough.

There is no reward for putting up with this, OP. There is no fairy godmother. No grand prize for treating yourself like shit and taking no care of yourself. It's just more of the same, with him seeing how much more he can take like thd vampire he is.

He's very controlling Op. I would not put up with him.

My ex husband used to wang on about me being a “spoiled stay at home mum” with him “paying for everything” but when I sorted it out to get a job in the evenings he kicked off because he didn’t want to look after HIS children.

Please note, ex husband.

He's controlling and abusive. You'd lose a ton of weight by dumping him.

This is domestic abuse. Why does he get two gym memberships and you get none ?
why does he get child-free hobby time and you get none?
when you bring it up he is gaslighting you by telling you that you’re controlling ?!!!! He is abusing you.

Agree with this. He sounds absolutely horrible.

The kids him the home everything else THEN YOU.
Its no way to live op your are human too.
He sounds controlling, and dont like the sound of you wanting to better yourself.

Probably more lazy than insecure and doesn't want to parent his own kids while you're out.

I done this workout i lost 16 stone in one day fellt fantastic, got my life back with in a month.

How old is your youngest? How have you not been out of the house without them. This is not normal.

Don’t suggest it. Tell him when you’re going and go.

How old are your kids?

He's abusing you. Refusing to care for his own kids, barring you from leaving the house or spending any money.

You'd have more fun in prison.

Seriously why not spilt up? He's have to pay for the kids then.

What would happen if you just went out while he was asleep? If you knew he didn't have plans? Not that it should be coming to that.

It's unacceptable on every level the way he treats you.

Is he worried you'll go to the same gym as him maybe?

@NeatCyanSeal this is where you need to grow a spine and TELL him that on Wednesdays and Fridays (or whatever you will be going to the gym so he will need to be in.

Its a relationship so you need to work together. If he cannot do that then I suggest kicking him out. With 50/50 childcare you'll then get plenty of free time!!

There’s an arsehole here - but it’s not you OP.

i think it’s about clipping his wings with having no babysitter when he wants to go out

there nothing better than something visual to demonstrate a point get a calendar
Just say which 2 nights do you want me to go to the gym and you can have the other 5

Gym while dc are at school?
Gym with a creche?
Take turns with a mate watching the dc while the other has free time? He wants you fat and stuck at home so no one can help you see he's a cunt...

Kids are 2,8 and 10

i think it’s just cos he knows where I am at home and he said to me I wanted kids so I have to deal with it.

Me wanting my own time doesn’t mean I don’t want my children at all

2 year old ever go to nursery?

do you work? Could you go during lunch break?

but basically he’s a horrible twat and you hate him so this is side issue

I wouldn’t tell him in advance. Just wait til he’s back home after work and is getting changed or having a cuppa and just say something like “Right, I’m off out for an hour. There’s a spag bol to reheat for dinner. See you later”. And just go. Even if just for a brisk walk and a cuppa somewhere.