Aibu ? Am I the arsehole ?

[NeatCyanSeal]

I’ve been with my oh for over 10 years and I just need to see if I am being unreasonable and a cow.

So since having kids I’ve put on a significant amount of weight. I’d like to go to the gym but everytime I mention it or bring it up, he starts or gets funny.
He goes to the gym, goes football , goes boxing etc literally comes and goes when he pleases.

I do absolutely nothing for myself nada not one thing. I haven’t left the house without my youngest since he’s been born. I do nothing without my kids. I’m literally last in the running. It’s the kids him me. I haven’t bought myself new clothes in years I look like a fat tramp everyday and I’ve got some issues going on which the doctor has told
me changing my lifestyle and losing a bit of weight would benefit me.

why is he kicking off everytime I mention it?
AIBU to suggest that he’s not allowed to go to the gym football etc if I’m not allowed to do anything? I did mention it and he said he’s not being controlled by me, but isn’t that what he’s doing to me???

edited *** I’m not sure if he’s insecure but I have no idea why I’m a fat slob so ain’t noona gonna be looking at me 🤣

Someone I follow on insta goes to David Lloyd gym and her son loves the childcare there….agree so much with everyone he is getting off on limiting and controlling your life ….AND having children with zero effort

Find a two year old funded place for your two year old and put them into childcare. Use the free time to go to the gym or look for a job. Sorry if you have a job already, I know you said you have some money. He sounds really unpleasant.

I really hope you are listening op. He is abusive and controlling. You need to leave this awful man.

I took it that she doesn't work when she told us she'd never been out without her youngest.

OP, did he want to have children? It sounds like he didn't, was he this selfish before you had children together? You went in to have 3 with him over the last 10 years. Do you have your own income? You mention not having left the house without your youngest...ever so I'm guessing you don't work? Are you happy in this marriage? Could you afford to leave....would he support you financially and have the kids every other weekend?

With every update he sounds like more of a monster. Set yourself free.

Some gyms have creches so I would look at that first. Failing that, you could try YouTube fitness videos or see if a local gym hires running buggies (or buy one) and go running with your DC in the pram. I used to do that around a local park till my youngest was about 3 and it was amazing- he always fell asleep.

I think he’s afraid if you lose weight you’ll realise your worth and leave him, because he’s a wanker.

He does loads of hobbies, goes to TWO different gyms, yet you can't buy yourself a pair of trousers. Please just read that back. He is abusing you, financially and emotionally.

I would keep some of that money back and squirrel away a running away fund. Find a good hiding place, you can start with a small amount so he doesn’t notice.

since he won’t give you any other money for gym membership, I would start calorie counting at home and follow some of the workouts on YouTube, bearing in mind that I bet you aren’t all of those names you call yourself. You sound lovely so please don’t talk about yourself like that 🌹

Your OP was innocuous, but your updates are downright sinister.
Yanbu and I think he is financially abusing you and you are in a coercive and controlling DV relationship.
You shouldn’t have to justify buying a pair of trousers while he has 2 gym memberships.
You shouldn’t be trapped in the house with the kids. It is unreal that every time you try to go out, he deliberately disappears so you cannot go.
The concert you booked, he has caused a palava over- I think he will find a way to stop you from going,
You want to take care of your health and exercise which the doctor even recommended and he laughs at you and then actively prevents you from taking care of yourself
He justifies this as “you wanted kids so deal with it”

Step 1- a new bank account in just your name and your pay goes in there.
Step 2- Call Women’s Aid

The gym is the least of your problems here.

What a dick he is!

He is taking the P. Why are you letting him stop you doing this, you’re doing it for your health and well being. What kind of relationship is this when he controls what you do, and just does what he pleases. I’d be getting rid of him for good and work on yourself and your self esteem as you certainly deserve more than this.

He's controlling and it sounds like financially abusive

Why are you asking him? Be ready for him coming in from work, hand over the kids and go. You're entitled to a gym membership so just sign up for one, his health is not more important than yours. You don't even have to go to the gym, take yourself out for a walk for an hour or so every night.

Oh love, you’re in an abusive relationship. Do you have anyone you can talk to?

To be fair to him, I doubt all these behaviours are new, but you went ahead and had 3 kids with him anyway.

So you have no physical or financial independence, truly. He is abusive and controlling, you have to speak to Woman's Aid.
Stop putting all of your money jointly and only put your fair share, keep the rest and buy yourself the clothes you need and want.
I'm afraid I couldn't live with this man, personally. Might be a boiling frog situation and the ways he controls you might have crept up slowly and became your new normal, but there is nothing normal in the situation you describe.
If you fear becoming a sole parent, realise that essentially, you already are.

Surely he’s home by a certain time most evenings to put the kids to bed?

You are being facetious aren't you?

There's a lot of problems here but one thing at a time.
When the older 2 are at school, put 2yr old in the buggy and walk. Is there a nice park within walking distance? Somewhere you can feed the ducks? A local "big house" where you can walk round the grounds for free?

Stop giving him access to your money. Buy some trainers & trousers/joggers & get walking.

So you’re basically a cook, a maid and a nanny? And I’m guessing he wants to have sex with you from time to time, even though you don’t really want to?

Honestly OP, this isn’t what a loving relationship looks like. You deserve more than this for the rest of your life.

It’s scary as hell to even imagine leaving when he is the breadwinner and controls all the money but it is possible. He’d have to pay you spousal maintenance and child support. In your shoes, I’d be seeking some initial legal advice to find out what my options were, and making plans to leave. Is there anyone in RL you can talk to?

Other, cheaper, gyms are available with crèches.

Many people I know in real life go to them.

Why would anyone need to be fair to him?

No need to be an arsehole yourself.

He’s financially abusing you

I’m sure he coerced encouraged her to be pregnant or breastfeeding for the majority of the past 10 years with 3 children. Abusers love their women pregnant and trapped at home.