Aibu ? Am I the arsehole ?

[NeatCyanSeal]

I’ve been with my oh for over 10 years and I just need to see if I am being unreasonable and a cow.

So since having kids I’ve put on a significant amount of weight. I’d like to go to the gym but everytime I mention it or bring it up, he starts or gets funny.
He goes to the gym, goes football , goes boxing etc literally comes and goes when he pleases.

I do absolutely nothing for myself nada not one thing. I haven’t left the house without my youngest since he’s been born. I do nothing without my kids. I’m literally last in the running. It’s the kids him me. I haven’t bought myself new clothes in years I look like a fat tramp everyday and I’ve got some issues going on which the doctor has told
me changing my lifestyle and losing a bit of weight would benefit me.

why is he kicking off everytime I mention it?
AIBU to suggest that he’s not allowed to go to the gym football etc if I’m not allowed to do anything? I did mention it and he said he’s not being controlled by me, but isn’t that what he’s doing to me???

edited *** I’m not sure if he’s insecure but I have no idea why I’m a fat slob so ain’t noona gonna be looking at me 🤣

Leave him. You're already living the life of a single mum. Even if he only sees the kids once a week for a few hours, you can do what you like then,

Go to mother and toddler groups/classes. I know where I live there are some exercise classes that you bring your preschooler to and do things together.

He is an abusive piece of shit and everything he is doing is to control you so that you have no life outside of him. But you CAN have a life outside of him and you deserve so much better my lovely.

Yabu to be so derogatory about yourself. Please be kinder yo yourself.

Yanbu to kick his useless lazy arse out the door. Ensure he maintains contact so that you get your free time when the kids are with him. That would immediately lose you at least what, 70-90kg for the average guy?

That man HATES you. Can you not see it?
You probably do all the cleaning, cooking, washing and childcare leaving him to do as he pleases.
He treats you all like an inconvenience rather than his family.
Wake up OP. You deserve to be healthy and happy. And your children deserve more too 💐

You are the victim of domestic abuse time to make him your ex Life will be better without him .

@NeatCyanSeal I just read more of the thread. This reads to me as financial and domestic abuse. Coercion and control.

This is 100% coercive control and financial abuse op. Have you access to money and just feel like you need permission to use it or have you no access? Set up your own bank account and make sure your bonds income only goes there. Then if you have access to joint funds immediately use them to buy a treadmill and prepay a gym membership. Find a babysitter and start paying them so you can leave the house for a couple of hours to start establishing some independence, it will help you think clearly. Reconnect with your friends. Call women’s aid and explain how he is, you will find they say the same thing re abuse.

him saying something doesn’t in any way make it true. In your head think of him like your toddler. ‘Men should be the ones to go out to work’. Yes dear, you can use the free crayons.’ Women with no support and a financially abusive husband absolutely need their own lives and jobs. If you are ever frightened of him, call the police.

He is keeping your life small. He is keeping you unfit and unconfident in your body. He is actually keeping unhealthy/unwell given your updates about your health issues.
He is not a good man. I know it’s not always as simple as LTB but honestly, I don’t think I could find any love or respect in my heart for someone who treated me this way. You don’t have a life, you’re just a servant. You shouldn’t have to beg or negotiate to have a night out or go to the gym, it should just be something you do without drama or upset.
In terms of your health issues - start small. Healthy meals and regular walks with your little one in the buggy. Maybe some home workouts on YouTube if you can fit them in around your dc naps or playing. When you start to feel stronger physically maybe it will have an impact on your mental strength too and you’ll find the motivation to put him in his place or even better, leave him. Such a lack of respect and equality in a relationship isn’t good to model to your kids. i really hope you can find a way to improve things.

Oh, OP. This is sad.

He’s not lazy, he’s just a garden variety asshole.

The fact that you have health problems and he is blocking you from an activity which could imply our health is shocking.

This is an abusive relationship. He is nota good man

I also think you should contact Women’s Aid.

This is very controlling behaviour and not doing your health or self esteem any good.

I really hope you start to see yourself in a more positive light. Self care is important - it’s clearly important to him for himself. You deserve that too.

buy a treadmill and prepay a gym membership. Find a babysitter and start paying them so you can leave the house for a couple of hours

@99bottlesofkombucha do you think she should stay with him?

What about secretly planning to leave him with support from Women's Aid and keeping him none the wiser?

I'd say she needs to put money aside to help her start over, not splash out on gym membership, treadmill and babysitters in the short term.

@NeatCyanSeal needs to be careful until she can get out or he may well get worse.

This is so sad to read, and I am really sorry he treats you that way.

I am a SAHM. I pointed out to my husband that I needed more time to myself and he - reasonably - helped me figure out ways to do that. He also looks after both kids full-time on the weekend so I can work.

It'll be a rude awakening if you split up and suddenly, he has to have the kids EOW. (But I bet he's the type to palm them off on his mum?)

In the meantime, can you take the toddler out in a pushchair for a daily walk to help with the fitness/health issues? An hour a day would make a huge difference. Does the toddler nap? Would a pushchair lull them to sleep? If they'd sit happily and quietly looking around, you could always stick an earphone in and listen to a funny podcast as you walk. Sometimes, that really helps me in the day. I understand it's not always that simple, though.

When you're in the depths of these types of relationships, you don't always see it. It becomes your reality, your normal. You're doubting yourself (which is what they make you do) but listen to that bit that you're questioning that he's controlling you. That's exactly what he is doing. He's not a partner. Because a partner would want what is best for your health, your partner would cooperate with you.. your partner would care for you. Maybe reading all these posts will give you a clearer vision. It's not about the gym anymore.

His behaviour is so shocking. Im so sorry. It's really sad that you live like this and have been railroaded into accepting it. He is an abusive arsehole.

OP do you have any support IRL? Parents, siblings or friends who could look after your children in the meantime so you can get yourself healthy? He is seriously abusing you. Please reach out to womens aid. Xx

It’s very sad that you have to come on here to ask if you are being unreasonable - you really should know that his behaviour is wrong.. He is behaving in a totally controlling and abusive way. I would say it could potentially controlling and coercive.

I’m so sad for you. You need to take some control back. Firstly print off the info in coercive control. Show him. Tell him you will be reporting him if things don’t change. He’s a bastard and won’t change without the threat of consequences. If in a few days he’s made no effort then please speak to your local police, they WILL listen. This should not be happening, it’s been illegal for several years now x

Start documenting now. You might not be ready to walk away now, but one day you will. It took me years.

wtf - you’ve chosen to stay with this twat? Poor kids - they will think this is normal behaviour. Raise your bar OP.

Clearly because she doesnt know its abuse!! How in the hell do you think that asking this question is in anyway helpful?

The fact that she came on to ask if SIBU flags up the fact that she hasnt a clue that she is being abused and just how wrong this is. How can that happen? An abusive childhood, other trauma leading to low self esteem, an older partner grooming a younger one.....all sorts of reasons.

Have a word with yourself.

OP, if you don’t mind, I’d like to ask you some questions:

How old are you?

What age were you when you first got together?

Do you want to stay with this man?

Is he ever physically violent to you?

Do you have ANY friends, family, or ANYONE you can talk to about this in real life?

Does HE pay for food, clothing, etc for the whole family or does he expect you to pay for anything, bearing in mind that he doesn’t allow you to work?

The reason I’m asking these basic questions is that I feel it may help us to help you better.

Brilliant! 😂

I’m 32 I was 19 when I got with him
no he never is snd yes well I thought I did i just want to be happy and able to go out without him starting and telling me all I wanna do is be away from the kids

Yes I have a friend I talk to about this and other stuff in real life , honestly she’s a star

no he does the shopping and he does pay for stuff like it is equal , but I feel like he gets luxeries for himself . We both do the fair share of bills, but I don’t have hardly anything left after I have done mine.

perhaps about £200 which id love to buy myself some new clothes, or even the kids but he isn’t happy. Tells me no to waste it and save it for his diesel or something.

I have said I will spend money on myself then that’s equivalent to his gym memberships every month if I’m not allowed to go out. That will be doing something for me and he just moaned and said all I do is waste money.
The bills are paid shopping is done so Im not sure what the big issue is honestly

This is an abusive relationship, I'm sorry

Please read back everything you’ve written here. Again and again until you can see how horrible, abusive and controlling this man is. He doesn’t love you. If he loved you he would want you to look after yourself and help you to get healthy again. He would want you to be happy. This man just wants to control you. Please please please leave this situation. You’ll be so much happier (and healthier) when you do.

None of this is normal OP. You'd have a better life if you split and insisted on 5050 custody so you could have some time to yourself.