Aibu ? Am I the arsehole ?

[NeatCyanSeal]

I’ve been with my oh for over 10 years and I just need to see if I am being unreasonable and a cow.

So since having kids I’ve put on a significant amount of weight. I’d like to go to the gym but everytime I mention it or bring it up, he starts or gets funny.
He goes to the gym, goes football , goes boxing etc literally comes and goes when he pleases.

I do absolutely nothing for myself nada not one thing. I haven’t left the house without my youngest since he’s been born. I do nothing without my kids. I’m literally last in the running. It’s the kids him me. I haven’t bought myself new clothes in years I look like a fat tramp everyday and I’ve got some issues going on which the doctor has told
me changing my lifestyle and losing a bit of weight would benefit me.

why is he kicking off everytime I mention it?
AIBU to suggest that he’s not allowed to go to the gym football etc if I’m not allowed to do anything? I did mention it and he said he’s not being controlled by me, but isn’t that what he’s doing to me???

edited *** I’m not sure if he’s insecure but I have no idea why I’m a fat slob so ain’t noona gonna be looking at me 🤣

@NeatCyanSeal you say you have no-one.

Does this mean he's also keeping you isolated?

That's another tick on the coercive controller checklist.

Please look it up - it's been illegal for years now.

You've got yourself a controlling prick there. Frankly, I'd be planning an exit.

What do you mean exactly when you say "he starts or gets funny"?

He's a controlling, abusive prick.

One thing that stood out for me from your post is you're calling yourself a 'fat slob'. Don't do this. Praise yourself to yourself. You're a busy, hardworking mum who wants to be healthier. Keep reminding yourself of that. Keep reminding yourself of the important things you do, the good things you do. Remind yourself that you deserve better things in life, you've earned them.

He's horrible but you're enabling him. Why would you live with someone like that? What does he bring to the table? He's basically single in his mind coming and going as he likes. As a sahm when the dc were younger my dh took them out the week-end in order to 1. They got to spend time together and 2. I got to rest.

This. Every update demonstrates this more and more

You've bigger issues than not being allowed to the gym...

You NEED to make that time for yourself. Even if it’s for an hour in the evenings now they’re lighter for a walk, home workouts or say I’m going to the gym X times a week at this time.

If you feel that way about yourself he should be encouraging you to do more for you, not shooting you down.

you deserve to have a life outside of being a mum.

He is totally unreasonable and selfish.

Just read your reply to someone, you can’t buy a pair of trousers? Fuck him right off.

He sounds awful. He spends joint money but your not allowed to. He has lots of time fir hus interests but your not allowed to. Does he buy clothes and you don't?

Hes selfish and unreasonable. You are parenting your children whilst he lives his separate life.

Are you in the UK op? Has he always been like this?

YES YES YES

https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/talk-money/financial-abuse-spotting-the-signs-and-leaving-safely

https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/how-we-can-help-you/economic-abuse/

You are being abused.

This is what coercive control looks like.
You are in a controlling abusive relationship.
You are also being financially abused.

Coercive control is a crime.
You desperately need to contact domestic abuse charities and the police.

This is not a good man.
Your poor children.

I think the money and exercise can be split out.

you don’t need to exercise only in a gym. I would set a goal of walking steps and do that in the time he comes home - just leave!

The money issue is totally off the wall unfair. You should have equal spending money. You deserve new clothes.

If he has two gym memberships for himself and you can't even buy yourself a new pair of trousers, then he is financially abusing you. If he is unhappy with you having a life outside of being a mother, even just going to the gym once a week, then he is coercive and controlling.

Please consult Women's Aid or Refuge for support. It's alarming how casually you mention these things and how long they've been going on. He is an abuser. You deserve to enjoy normal things.

Ah op wrongly I hope he’s just lazy and can’t handle the thought of staying with the kids as opposed to wanting to keep you home/ not going out. Do you have family nearby? You need to start at least getting out x

He sounds horrible and this is abusive

There’s so many messages I’ll try to reply to them all at once.

I don’t work no I’m at stay at home mum for my toddler, I have bonds so thahs where my money comes from. I have mentioned working, he says no women should be at home the men should go to work 🙄
my toddler doesn’t go to nursery just yet, he’s got a few problems and possibly autistic. I probably should let him go but right now at home he keeps me company.

When my other two were small he’d kick of about me doing stuff then. I think he’s just lazy and knows he can’t just leave the toddler to his own devices like the other two.

I don’t feel like I can trust him to just walk out and leave him with the kids. He’d never harm them but he’s the type of person to brainwash them and say I’ve gone cos I don’t love them etc.

We have had a huge row cos he’s told me im allowed once a month to go out that’s it and that’s only to bingo with his mum.

I said I’ll get gym equipment and put it outside in the conservatory then so I won’t be leaving the home but can still get fit. No no room can’t afford it even though we can.

ive got a few illnesses going on actually, it probably doesn’t help my toddler doesn’t sleep and is awake from 11.30 - 4am most mornings . I can’t go skeep
till older 2 are asleep as he’s always out and usually they don’t go sleep till around 9.30.
My liver is inflamed
I have a dodgy heart
Gallbladder issues and high cholesterol

He is being selfish. If he kicks off at the suggestion then he has to explain why. Doesn't want to look after his own kids? Selfish. Doesn't want to have to stay in for a few hours a week? Selfish.

Just go. See if can book a babysitter for an evening if need be. While you're at it, go see a friend for a catch up one night as you never seem to have any freedom without the kids whereas he has loads. Go get your hair done. Go shopping. Do anything that makes you smile again.

You really need to contact Womens Aid, you are being abused BADLY.

What he is doing is the dictionary definition of Coercive and Controlling Behaviour with a good dose of financial abuse thrown in there too.

What he is doing is illegal, quite apart to the threats to your health if you dont get more exercise.

https://safelives.org.uk/about-domestic-abuse/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

Sorry, he really is controlling. Can you get yourself a plan to get away? It won't get any better...

Yes, it is controlling behaviour. There's many reasons he could be doing it, selfishness on his part (not wanting to sacrifice his hobbies), controlling you, jealousy, narcissism. You should absolutely confront him about it, but be prepared for him not to change.

He shouldn't be banned from doing exercise/sport, but there needs to be a compromise to give you time too. He can either pay for childcare, or look after his own children a few times a week, or if he refuses to you may have to consider if you wish to remain in this relationship long term being disrespected as you are now.

In the meantime, it is more difficult, but try and do what you can with your two year old. I have a toddler too, so know it is hard, but put them in the pushchair and go for walks/jogs. If they still nap, try and do a home youtube workout. Or put them in front of the TV for 30 mins while you do a quick bodyweight circuit a couple of times a week. Its something to get started with until you get more regular childcare.

Best of luck!

This is dreadfully sad to read. Please contact women’s aid, you and your kids deserve better than this.

Bloody hell Nora .

Do you want to spend the rest of your life being unable to do what you want when you want? Going out for bingo once a month? With his mum?! I'm fucking infuriated for you . Op tell him to get out and leave .

This is no life.

I left my dds dad when she was 1ish, he was similar, I have built my life up over the last 11 years dd and my life is fab enhanced by my amazing dh (dds dad would have ended up killing me) .
I go to the gym and yoga now and have my own friends. My dh has supported my going because it massively helps my mental health and my immune disorder.

You could honestly call the police and say he won't let you leave the house and he'd get investigated.
This is really serious .He's an absolute shit .please pleeeaaaase pleasasse consider leaving this shit stain of a man. Do what I did , create a secret folder with documents in yours and kids - put money aside secretly and then just go one day. It must feel so scary and over whelming and I'm so sorry your going through this but the more you say the more I think he's holding you prisoner. I'd also put money on you getting better once you left him unmumsnetty hugs and support