Aibu ? Am I the arsehole ?

[NeatCyanSeal]

I’ve been with my oh for over 10 years and I just need to see if I am being unreasonable and a cow.

So since having kids I’ve put on a significant amount of weight. I’d like to go to the gym but everytime I mention it or bring it up, he starts or gets funny.
He goes to the gym, goes football , goes boxing etc literally comes and goes when he pleases.

I do absolutely nothing for myself nada not one thing. I haven’t left the house without my youngest since he’s been born. I do nothing without my kids. I’m literally last in the running. It’s the kids him me. I haven’t bought myself new clothes in years I look like a fat tramp everyday and I’ve got some issues going on which the doctor has told
me changing my lifestyle and losing a bit of weight would benefit me.

why is he kicking off everytime I mention it?
AIBU to suggest that he’s not allowed to go to the gym football etc if I’m not allowed to do anything? I did mention it and he said he’s not being controlled by me, but isn’t that what he’s doing to me???

edited *** I’m not sure if he’s insecure but I have no idea why I’m a fat slob so ain’t noona gonna be looking at me 🤣

I'm sorry my previous reply was written before I read this. His behaviour is way worse than I acknowledged. This is abuse.

Not allowing you to work, controlling and abusive.
Not sharing finances, so you are only living off bonds you personally have, financial abuse.
Only allowing you to go out once a month, and only to his approved location with his approved persons, controlling and abusive.

He appears to be a narcissist, only concerned with doing what he wants and having you at his beck and call, trapped at home with your children and no support. Talking badly about you behind your back if you do go out is another classic sign.

Please don't continue to put up with this behaviour. Contact your local womens aid charity and leave him. Its time to make yourself a higher priority

Omg op this is bloody awful he thinks he back in the 50s where women are tied to the kitchen sink. You need to put on your big pants and tell him he’s abusive and controlling and you’re no longer accepting it just like you can’t control him and his freedom. Op if you can’t go out when he gets home can you pay for childcare a couple days while he’s at work to get out. Your best bet would be to leave tbh but understandably not everyone can do this. I would get a job get your own income and bank account and tell him your risking your life by not getting healthy and the kids need you alive and well seeing as he doesn’t want to look after them. Honestly please get help you are trapped in a horrible situation.

why is he kicking off everytime I mention it?

Because he resents you.

Because he doesn’t want you to feel good about yourself.

Because he doesn’t want to parent his kids by himself for a couple of hours.

Except take the kids with you, and never come back.

This is no life, OP - I hope you can begin to see it, and find a way out. Make plans quietly.

You're always going to be fighting a losing battle trying to win even tiny victories with someone like this. And it will get worse with time, I'm afraid. 💐

Exactly this. ☝️

Take back control OP. He needs to be dumped. Bad bad bad man. Genuinely.

Op to start I would find a gym with a crèche or go when lo is in nursery. I was married to someone like this but not any more. The best thing I did was go back to work and I gradually made my escape. Having your own money is essential. He is trying to make your world smaller because of his own issues. If you are at home you can’t meet anyone else. The same reason he is stopping you go to the gym. Definitely contact womens aid,

You don't need a gym or leave the kids to get fit. Not saying you shouldn't be allowed, but that shouldn't stop you.

He's got you where he wants you, everything is taken care of homewise and kid wise by you and he can come and go as he pleases. No wonder he does not support you making positive changes in your life because it wold mean him having to participate in family life instead of living like a single man.

😂

OP, I feel like you need to hear this…

You do not need his permission to look after yourself.

If you want to go to the gym, go for a walk, go for a drink, anything really, be ready for when he walks into the house then pick up your keys, walk out and do whatever you want to do.

If you want to buy new clothes, go online right now and order some.

Stop asking for things. Live your life how you want to live it. If he doesn’t like it, he can leave.

Seriously abusive and controlling. Leave him. What a dick.

So many posters going down the "tell him this", "just do that" route. No!

@NeatCyanSeal please call Women's Aid when he is at work and you can concentrate.

Get yourself together quietly and secretly without rocking the boat.

As pp have suggested, try to put money by and photograph relevant documents. Make notes of his behaviour.

Don't confront him or make him suspicious or he might tighten the screws and watch you like a hawk, making the whole thing more difficult.

Above all be safe. He's abusive already - you just don't know what he's capable of when he's actually threatened.

Well he either doesn’t want to look after the kids or doesn’t want you to lose weight and look/feel better for some reason. Either way he’s a shit partner and a shit dad.

You're in a financially abusive and controlling relationship. Seek help. Seriously. Call Women's Aid.

lose the man! That’s the best type of weight to lose

Thats called financial abuse.

This is horrific abuse! I’m a SAHM and stories like this make me understand why people have concerns for us.

Just to highlight that what you’re experiencing is not in anyway normal or okay… with my situation I am absolutely in control of whether I work or not, I have access to money, what I spend is not monitored and my husband is happy and more than capable of getting our young children to sleep if I need to go out or I start a new hobby, I’ve actually taken up hobbies or gone out on my own in the evenings far more than he has!

Please contact women’s aid, this isn’t a life and you’d be so much happier without him.

YANBU

What a prize this guy is - not. An embarrassment of a man, a partner and a father.

For context, reading the beginning of your OP felt like I was reading my own story - I've got two under 3s, have been pregnant and/or breastfeeding non-stop for the last 4 years, weight ballooned, sleep deprived and now health issues on top. Had a wake up call in January when a normal virus wiped me out and triggered a few things.

I've decided it's time to reclaim my body and look after myself. DH has been super supportive - runs the household on Saturday morning so I can go to Slimming World and stay to group. Does half the cooking and follows my plan so it's easier to incorporate to our every day. Does bath and bed time when I want to run, or gym, or whatever. Happy to take both kids to soft play every weekend so I can have some downtime.

He also gets his run/gym nights, we take it in turns now.

I already feel tons better and lighter.

A partner should want the best for you no matter what. A partner would try to make things equal. A father would not complain about parenting his own children.

I wish men would feel shame but I doubt someone like this would even care that so many people think they are a loser.

Oh man here we go. Please please get away from him. He is abusive. You need to politely wake up and see what you’re living with. You are a servant to him nothing else. Where is your family and friends? U need to get rid of him asap. Believe me he is abusing you and you don’t realise. He is kicking off as he doesn’t want you to wreck his cushy little life that he has. What a complete dickhead. Poor u and poor kids. Get tf away from him.

Sorry I should have included some practical advice too - find out if there are any mum/baby or toddler work out groups in your area. This is one of the first things I did. Then you can take your 2 year old and it's a good way to get started x

exactly this.!

This

Sensing loss of control can set men like him off. If he's this bad already when you're toeing the line, it might get much worse. Nothing justifies even a iota of coercive control. He keeps you small, isolated and unsure of yourself so that you stay, but you don't have to listen to him. You can make plans to escape the situation and you won't have to do it alone.

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

Why on earth did you have children with this prick???

You have a much bigger problem then getting to the gym OP. Time to have a hard think about the future and what sort of relationship you want. He sounds awful - abusive and controlling. You know what sort of man he is. Start planning your escape.