Aibu ? Am I the arsehole ?

[NeatCyanSeal]

I’ve been with my oh for over 10 years and I just need to see if I am being unreasonable and a cow.

So since having kids I’ve put on a significant amount of weight. I’d like to go to the gym but everytime I mention it or bring it up, he starts or gets funny.
He goes to the gym, goes football , goes boxing etc literally comes and goes when he pleases.

I do absolutely nothing for myself nada not one thing. I haven’t left the house without my youngest since he’s been born. I do nothing without my kids. I’m literally last in the running. It’s the kids him me. I haven’t bought myself new clothes in years I look like a fat tramp everyday and I’ve got some issues going on which the doctor has told
me changing my lifestyle and losing a bit of weight would benefit me.

why is he kicking off everytime I mention it?
AIBU to suggest that he’s not allowed to go to the gym football etc if I’m not allowed to do anything? I did mention it and he said he’s not being controlled by me, but isn’t that what he’s doing to me???

edited *** I’m not sure if he’s insecure but I have no idea why I’m a fat slob so ain’t noona gonna be looking at me 🤣

What’s happened when you have been ill?

Do you work? If not put the 2 year old in childcare a few hours a week and go teh gym.

If you work then you need to find another good time

Get a membership at a gym, same as he does.
If you need clothes etc but them.

Split the week evenings and claim 2 as your own. He can't be going out every night. Pick two.

Go the gym go for a walk join a club or see friends.

Claim your life back.

You are only last because you put yourself there.

i am sorry but this man is highly controlling and and absolute asshole

so he wants to be a father and husband in name only? Because in reality he is none of those things

he treats you like an unpaid nanny and cleaner, depriving you of clothes, leisure time and money whilst he has everything that he wants and needs

I am not sure what he brings to the party?

havd you considered a trial separation just so you can hand the kids over to him and have a break for a few days?!

My gym has onsite crèche

He's a selfish pig.

i think it’s just cos he knows where I am at home and he said to me I wanted kids so I have to deal with it.

Have you asked him if that means he didn't want to have kids? If not, then why did he (presumably) agree to have them?

Either way, he sounds like a total arsehole.

You don't need your husband's permission to go to the gym. Just go!

If he keeps getting arsey over perfectly reasonable things, I'd be questioning the future of the marriage.

Best of luck with getting fit and shaping up. Treat this as a life overhaul when you start focusing on yourself; look at your diet, your skincare routines, your sleep and relaxation and you will soon start to look and feel better.

This is no life OP. He is an abusive shit.

Just get on and do these things, OP. Don't ask and take no for an answer. It's happening. Be brisk and organised with your DH - and out you go.

Did he want children, OP? Not that it matters because he has them and has to step up, I was just trying to get my head around his thinking.

I would do what someone else suggested: don't tell him you're going out/to the gym, and just leave when he's at home. What can he do? Have a mantrum? Sure, let him.

Whenever my Husband was being unreasonable in the early days (not in this way, but in the way people just are sometimes), I would just carry on with my day as normal, talk as normal, come and go as normal, it generally soon subsided and eventually when he realised he wasn't ever going to get the reaction he wanted it stopped. The same way you treat a toddler whose mood swings you ignore.

Obviously, this advice only works when all things are equal, not in the case of abusive relationships, etc.

He sounds like an absolute dickhead. Stop letting him tell you, you tell him what you're doing.

He said to me I wanted kids so I have to deal with it. He's either an unbelievable idiot or he thinks you are and wants to take advantage of that.* *Unless there's some huge backstory that they are not his children, it's irrelevant whether he wanted them or not. He HAS them and he's responsible for them.

During the times when the children are not in someone else's care (e.g., school, organised activity, daycare, etc.) OR doing a planned activity with BOTH of you, you should each be responsible for them roughly half the time. The balance may be different - for example, if one of you must spend more time than the other in necessary outside activities (not social or hobbies or sport) like work, school, commuting, caring for extended family - but start with 50/50 and adjust. However you split it, you each should have about the same leisure time in an average week.

There's no need (and probably no ability) to stop him from going to the gym, but you have to stop watching his children for him during your leisure time. This is not unreasonable, and you are not an arsehole (although it sounds like he is, to have been letting/forcing you do his childcare for him all this time). Of course, getting him to live up to his responsibilities if he has no decency or common sense at all isn't going to be easy and may not even be possible, but stop letting him pretend YOU are at fault here and he's not.

Nor is subscribing to 2 gyms! Just go. Start going out, even if you just sit in McDonald's or a mate's house drinking coffee. Is he out every night?!

I would begin to question his sexuality tbh because why is he preferring to be around strange men than his own female partner and kids.

Ltb tbh girl - he's controlling - financially and by stopping you from going out. Something really needs to change and it wont be him x

He doesnt want to take care of his children.
He doesnt want his life affected in any way. He wants to come and go as he pleases.
You wanted the kids so they are your problem is basically what he told you.
Jesus.

You are certainly not the arsehole here, had you asked the question...Am I the doormat, the answer would be yes.

He sounds like an utter knobhead. Who the fuck does he think he is telling you, a grown woman, that you can't go out? You know this isn't right OP. You only get one life don't waste it.

And stop giving him control of all your money!

What a twat.
Sign up for a gym membership tomorrow and book a slot with one of the PTs for an induction. Find a weight training plan that will work for you based on the number of sessions you'd like to fit in a week. 3 would be a good start. Tell him that you are going to the gym 3 days a week and tell him that he'll need to make sure that his gym sessions and yours are prioritised equally.

You know you don’t have to live like this, right? You can leave the selfish, controlling prick and live your life however you please.

Worst case scenario he never has the kids overnight and you’re in the same position re time but without living with a horrible, pointless man.

You say OH rather than husband so I’m guessing you’re not married. In which case he has all the benefits of a wife without any of the obligations. He sounds like a dickhead.

Jesus he's vile. You can only cover it with self-depricating humour for so long. The way you talk about yourself is very telling. You need to have the confidence to get rid of this man, and I know MN is notorious for encouraging divorce over anything but seriously, he is controlling you and is abusive. Saying things like 'you wanted kids deal with them' is flat out gaslighting. He also chose to have kids, he also has parental responsibility over them. He knows this but he seemingly has you right where he wants you and know you won't put up much of a fight. You wanting to have children doesn't mean you should be the only one looking after them. If he didnt want children to look after, he shouldn't of chose to have them.

Tell him youre going to the gym whichever days and times you want, and he can watch the kids. When he kicks off, tell him he also chose to have kids and therefore has a legal responsibility to look after them. If he kicks off further, tell him that you may as well leave him in that case since you're already a single mum anyway.

Do not stand for it OP. Do not try and downplay how controlling and abusive he is. If someone treated your child this way in a relationship, would you just laugh it off? I certainly wouldnt.

Surely he’s home by a certain time most evenings to put the kids to bed?

So just go to the gym once they’re in bed.

If he doesn’t let you then you’re in a controlling relationship and need to separate.

Of course wanting your own time doesn't mean you don't want your kids OP. Personally, I believe that every single person needs time for themselves, but it sounds like you don't get any, other than when the kids are asleep, and even then you're not allowed to go out, because it would mean that your husband would have to care for them. This is WRONG on so many levels OP, can't you see that? I'm guessing by the title of your thread that you can't? As there is no way that YOU are the ARSEHOLE!!

Do you have any friends or family close by OP, or has he alienated them all?

Do you work? Or is he also happy to keep you at home so that you don't get any big ideas about leaving?

Other than the fact that HE IS ABUSING YOU, which you really NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT, it is possible to lose weight and get fit, without going to the gym OP. Why do you feel you've gained weight? Do you snack because you're miserable, bored, etc?

Going out for a walk will help make you feel better, as well as burning some calories, and presumably there's nothing to stop you doing that, whether you are looking after one child or all three. What about gardening? If you have a garden, the warmer weather and light nights are fast approaching, get out and lose yourself in pottering in the garden, again, it burns calories, whilst giving you the boost of being out in nature and getting fresh air. Or, how about dancing? All the kids can do that with you, and even if you're not able to do much to start with, if you do it often enough you'll be surprised how you quickly you will gain energy and be able to dance for longer.

So, even if you don't feel you can tackle the abuse side of things yet, because he's drained you of your confidence, why not focus on losing weight, and getting fit, without the aid of the gym, and then, when you're feeling better about yourself, hopefully your confidence will grow, and you'll feel better about dumping this piece of crap that is doing his utmost to keep you down.

Coercive control is abuse and it's illegal.
He's a criminal and you need to leave him.
Do you want your kids growing up thinking this behaviour is normal and ok?
Standing up for yourself is all very well... until he thumps you or throws you down the stairs.

He might not of course, but it's a real risk with a man like this. And posters advocating you tell him to stuff it, are potentially putting you in a dangerous position.

Just leave. He won't change

I can't see what the point of him is, OP. Doesn't love you, doesn’t love your shared children, restricts your life and your money. I cannot think of a single thing you'd lose if you left him, but I can think of a lot you'd gain.