AIBU to decline my sisters hen party due to cost and childcare?

[Tairneanach]

My sister is getting married in July 2027 and due to the location it will cost us £700 in travel and accommodation to attend. There is currently a destination hen party being planned for May 2027, 5 days in Ibiza, which is going to cost around £1500 each if the MOHs estimates are correct.

Will I be unreasonable to say I won't be able to attend the hen party? Partially due to the costs, but I also have a severely disabled child and don't think 5 days away will be feasible as it will mean my partner will have to take 5 days holiday from work for me to attend.

I would hope they'd be understanding, but this is my sister's second marriage and a lot of agro was given to me for leaving her first wedding at 8pm due to my child (who was a lot younger at the time) becoming distressed due to the noise, busy environment etc and it was stated that I could just not prioritise him and celebrate my sister since its her day.

Hoping to get some advice on whether this is reasonable of me to decline, and if so what could I say to not cause any drama?

So if one of your family had been widowed and subsequently found happiness with a new partner, you wouldn't go to their wedding?

YANBU

Not a chance in hell I'd go to this in your position/this situation.

Your sister sounds high maintenance and highly entitled. I'd have no tolerance for her nonsense.

Why are you so sure she could?

Don't you know of people that actually can't?

I would try to go for the weekend so at least you’re meeting her in the middle. 5 days at that cost is ridiculous, you won’t be the only one saying no.

Or maybe savings would be better spent elsewhere.

If i had a family including SEN children and a husband, I wouldnt be spending £1500 on a best friend nevermind a sister who doesnt prioritise you.

Even if my husband kindly said we would make it work. Your children and huaband deserves you making cutbacks to get a family holiday together. not the sister who cancels last minute all the time.

I definitely wouldn't be going to the Ibiza hen do - ridiculous amount money, particularly if you factor in 3 days at least of paid work that your DP will lose. £1500 + (est) £500 = £2000 , nope, too much.

As for the (second within 8 years) wedding, it's all very well your sister saying she wants family to stay at the venue, but she's not paying for it - she's basically spending your money for you. Unless it's easier re your DC to stay online, I'd be looking for an air bnb nearby.

If sister kicks off, just say you have to l8ve within your actual budget, not what she thinks it should be.
Given what she said about you leaving her first wedding at 8pm, and how she often cancels meeting up with you, she sounds a bit of a nightmare, and going LC would be no hardship.

Just out of interest, how often has she babysat your DC to give you and DH a break?

She's never babysat for us but I do understand it's difficult to look after DC due to cerebral palsy, autism and epilepsy and people may not feel equipped to deal with the extra care. We are pretty low contact anyway tbh, despite living relatively close to one another. We definitely don't have the "best friend/sister" relationship, but we generally aren't hostile towards one another. She was very much a Bridezilla at her first wedding too, so at least she's consistent with that 😅

Hell no....it sounds a bloody nightmare.

I hate this "you have plenty of time to save" on something you don't want to do nonsense.

IMO £1500+ is a ridiculous amount to spend on a hen do. End of.

That's an odd stance to take. What if your friend or family member is getting married for the first time to someone who has been married before? Is that a second wedding?

You'd have thought she might have spent some time contemplating what went wrong the first time, and I'm sure it wasn't an insufficiently extravagant venue.

I actually think it's ridiculous to have expensive hen/stag dos abroad. Let's say a husband and wife each have 3 friends getting married that year-that's 6 holidays before they even have their family holiday. It's not just the cost, assuming you have to take time off work too. If you're the Kardashians, go for it. For normal people, surely a night out in the local town is enough (and the teenagers in my family are the first to complain about OTT hen and stags, so maybe their generation will be less extravagant!)

I love Ibiza and would jump on this trip but your reasons for not going are very valid and in your situation I wouldn’t be going.

I go to Ibiza once a year and love it but I can afford it (it’s not cheap) and I don’t have disabled child nor is my husband losing out on income from me doing so.

Might be the odd one out here, but personally I can't believe the audacity of just assuming people can afford £1500 to spend on a destination hen party when in all likelihood that would mean no holiday with partner and child that year just to pay for this. I would just say, no, thank you. If anyone seriously gets upset, quite frankly I'd find that self-centered beyond belief. Although I am equally shocked about the lack of understanding when people with small children leave a wedding at 8.00pm.

I clicked the wrong button YANBU.

I wouldn’t even be questioning your decision not to go. I am a people pleaser but even I would decline the invite. Say you’ll gladly join a local evening drinks thing etc but you can’t make overseas trip.

My sister didn’t come to mine simply because she didn’t want to - it was never an issue. I still love her and tbh now I’m at the age she was when I got married I don’t think I’d have wanted to go away for three days with rowdy youngens.

The only thing is you would have a good bit of time to save, maybe think about it a bit more. If you like the people and want to go, it could be a nice break? If that’s not the case then absolutely just forget about it, but maybe plan a day out with her within your budget? Me and my sister just had our own little boozy brunch out then went home and did face masks and had DH run around and get us drinks and snacks - cost less than £100 and was actually super fun.

OP is not going.

There is nothing wrong with saying you can't afford the money or the time and nothing wrong with prioritising your disabled son. Also I don't think you get to be at all brindzilla for your second wedding (I would stick to the cost and time when explaining though). Offer to arrange a day and or evening out locally for her to have another celebration even if that one's just for family. I can't imagine you are the only guest feeling g this way.

Tell her in good time so she can get used it and gives her time to invite anyone else she may not have originally.

I think it's selfish to expect others to pay a huge cost to join a celebration. Selfish to take offence if they can't afford it

Very definitely not being unreasonable!

The expectation on people to spend so much money is ridiculous.

For people saying "oh you've got plenty of time to save" - not everyone has enough disposable income for that for starters. Plus, people have their own lives and things they need to save for. You're going to be spending in excess of £2,200 total - yes the hen do is £1,500 and the wedding is £700, but it will absolutely end up being more than that with add ons, drinks, meals, outfits etc etc. I honestly couldn't justify that personally and I think it's taking the absolute P to expect people to fork out so much for their wedding and associated events.

Thats a lit of money. You couod say that yoh will take her on a spa wekeend when she gets back. You could find something for around 500 all in for the two of you and still be 1000 up.

Tell her you'll go to her third one

What if it's just something they do not like/want to do?

Going to Ibiza is my idea of hell. I wouldn't spend £1,500 to attend someone's hen do anyway - I couldn't justify that cost - but even if I was comfortable enough that it wasn't a financial issue, I still wouldn't go because there's no way I'd spend that much money on something that would have me stressed the whole time.