AIBU to decline my sisters hen party due to cost and childcare?

[Tairneanach]

My sister is getting married in July 2027 and due to the location it will cost us £700 in travel and accommodation to attend. There is currently a destination hen party being planned for May 2027, 5 days in Ibiza, which is going to cost around £1500 each if the MOHs estimates are correct.

Will I be unreasonable to say I won't be able to attend the hen party? Partially due to the costs, but I also have a severely disabled child and don't think 5 days away will be feasible as it will mean my partner will have to take 5 days holiday from work for me to attend.

I would hope they'd be understanding, but this is my sister's second marriage and a lot of agro was given to me for leaving her first wedding at 8pm due to my child (who was a lot younger at the time) becoming distressed due to the noise, busy environment etc and it was stated that I could just not prioritise him and celebrate my sister since its her day.

Hoping to get some advice on whether this is reasonable of me to decline, and if so what could I say to not cause any drama?

@Tairneanach is your sister in the group or are these arrangements supposed to be "surprises"

Ridiculous amount of money to spend on a hen do.

I’m honestly laughing at all the people on here thinking that a 5 day hen in Ibiza is anything close to a break. Have you ever seen how these things go? 😂. My idea of a literal nightmare.

Honestly, OP, your sister needs to grow up. If you’d like to show her this thread, the sensible folks here will be happy to tell her so.

I’m old enough to remember when second weddings were a quiet affair down the registry office with just close family and the bride wearing a nice dress from a department store. There was sometimes an air of low-key embarrassment - “well we know we got it wrong the first time so let’s just quietly get on with it” then a trip to the pub 😆 Of course no one should be embarrassed about getting remarried, but there’s also no need to rival the Met Gala every time you get married.

If I was the main carer for a disabled child, the Idea of using both what sounds like a huge chunk of money to them and a one off opportunity for my partner to take leave (because I assume they'd like to use the rest of his leave together) on 5 days in Ibiza following someone else's itinerary would actually break me.

Yes the first wedding was in 2018. That was a local manor wedding though, so didn't have the same expense for me personally

I know someone (distant family) who has been married 4 times. Each time she’s had a big hoopla. I think actually her first back in the 70s was probably the most low key one due to them being young and lack of money, but each one since has more than paid for the first multiple times over.

She’s a grandma now and it’s just so cringe because each one is “the one.” I honestly think some people are just addicted to the idea of being a bride. Mental behaviour.

She sounds a bit bridezilla, obliging you to stay at the pricey venue at your expense AND to spend £1500 and 5 days annual leave for her hen do, plus whatever on child and petcare arrangements etc for both. And for her second wedding too. You've done the right thing, there's no way all the other invitees have £1500 to spare for the ibiza trip either.

It's a second marriage - she's hardly the innocent young bride, is she? Making such a huge fuss for a second wedding is a bit icky.
And of course it's possible to decline - no need to grovel or apologise, just say you won't be attending.

It sounds to me like you dont want to go anyway. Thats fine, and the expense and childcare aspect make a perfect excuse. Its a second marriage so not so big a deal. How does your partner feel about all this? I would make the decision based upon whats best for you and your immediate family. Is this one of those hens where the rest pay for the bride? Sod that for a game of soldiers, I would not be spending that amount of money in this uncertain climate.

He said if I want to go we can work something out but it'll mean we might need to make cutbacks elsewhere. He did say it's a lot of money to spend on someone who doesn't really bother with us though. She has form for organising coffee or meals out with me and cancelling last minute, or just not replying to messages. I don't think that's a personal attack on me, however. I think that's just how she is in general and I don't really take any offence to that.

I'm not sure if we are meant to cover the bride. The message from the MOH just said the base cost is £1500 estimate.

A neighbour's daughter was marrying for the second time, not very long after the first time. She went to arrange flowers for the second wedding and was shown loads of photos of other weddings they had worked on. The majority of them were of her own first wedding, she and her ex were identifiable on a couple of them.

"... I would hope they'd be understanding, but this is my sister's second marriage and a lot of agro was given to me for leaving her first wedding at 8pm due to my child (who was a lot younger at the time) becoming distressed due to the noise, busy environment etc and it was stated that I could just not prioritise him and celebrate my sister since its her day..."

If your sister is that unpleasant and lacking in understanding I don't think i'd be going to her second wedding - never mind the hen do.

I think your husband should take the time off to look after your child so you can have some ‘me’ time.

God, there needs to be a new rule: have a destination wedding or a destination hen party. Not both. Nobody's that special.

Very true, in the Royal Family both Anne and Charles had second weddings that looked for better than their first massive events and they both looked far more relaxed.

I think you’ve been very sensible OP. I like Ibiza but it is very expensive - esp the big clubs - and those club nights start after midnight so it’s a lot! (I need my sleep - have to have a lot of naps!)

I have no time for people expecting others to go on hen dos abroad. It's fine if you want to arrange one but to actually expect people to give up that kind of time and money is incredibly inconsiderate, nevermind that this is her second wedding! She's being selfish so I would feel comfortable in being selfish back.
Tbh, if my sister had a disabled child, I'd have that in my mind when arranging my entire wedding. I'd make it so clear to her that I didn't expect her to attend the hen and would have tried to make all kinds of adjustments for the actual day so that she could maybe even enjoy it.

It is irrelevant that she brings up what happened at her previous wedding (and shouldn't really in front of her new partner)

FWIW, I didn't go to my sister's hen do as I had recently been on quite a pricey trip with my teenagers (post covid / divorce )

She was a bit disgruntled but understood !
Hers was NOWHERE near as pricey as yours.

That is not a reasonable expectation (cost )

You don't have to go - just explain to her that it's difficult with childcare and cost but that you hope she has an amazing time and to take lots of photos! I am sure she will understand, while at the same time I know you don't want her to feel bad for having the hen celebration that she really wants.

Not to derail the OPs thread but what happened at your hen with people not getting on?

If she wants a beach view, she could have picked a closer beach than Cornwall ffs! Even the Lakes would have been easier for everyone. The whole thing is sheer insanity, and it isn't even her first wedding which makes it worse.

I think anyone who organises a destination hen party that’s going to cost £1500, shouldn’t be surprised if people can’t make it. It’s bloody ridiculous. I went to a nice Italian restaurant in my hometown with my mum and some friends!
Bearing in mind your sister knows your circumstances, ie your disabled child and the fact your partner is self employed and would lose money on top of the hen party cost by not being able to work, I’m surprised she didn’t tell the MOH to keep it fairly local to keep costs down. For everyone!

thats a huge amount of money for the hen and also the wedding itself. Any normal person would understand not everyone is going to be able to attend. If your sister kicks off, then she’s selfish.

It's far far too expensive. I don't go to second weddings.