AIBU to decline my sisters hen party due to cost and childcare?

[Tairneanach]

My sister is getting married in July 2027 and due to the location it will cost us £700 in travel and accommodation to attend. There is currently a destination hen party being planned for May 2027, 5 days in Ibiza, which is going to cost around £1500 each if the MOHs estimates are correct.

Will I be unreasonable to say I won't be able to attend the hen party? Partially due to the costs, but I also have a severely disabled child and don't think 5 days away will be feasible as it will mean my partner will have to take 5 days holiday from work for me to attend.

I would hope they'd be understanding, but this is my sister's second marriage and a lot of agro was given to me for leaving her first wedding at 8pm due to my child (who was a lot younger at the time) becoming distressed due to the noise, busy environment etc and it was stated that I could just not prioritise him and celebrate my sister since its her day.

Hoping to get some advice on whether this is reasonable of me to decline, and if so what could I say to not cause any drama?

That is a lot of money for a hen do, and estimates always go up! Definitely done the right thing turning it down early. It's a huge ask from anyone in terms of money and time.

Can you compromise and go for 2 nights 3 days rather than 5? It might make it cheaper and DH wouldn’t have to take as much time off work.

Well if that’s the case she doesn’t bother with you much then refuse the Ibiza hen do and say you’ll do something in UK.

i wouldn’t definitely not be going to this. £1500 on a hen do is ludicrous…I wouldn’t spend this even if there weren’t any barriers to going (childcare, money etc)

no one should EVER have to save to go to an event like this

One of my adulthood friends felt she didn’t fit the look of my childhood friends. She felt they were laughing at her. The childhood friends thought my adulthood friends were being rude and standoffish in response. Cue a really shit night out and me, bride, waking up alone in the Airbnb because they’d all left. It was incredibly disappointing and given my time again I’d just go to a spa by myself.

You can just click the other one to change your vote

Why not? That’s quite judgemental of you. Generally (with some exceptions) second weddings are more low key affairs. Shit happens in life, and it’s nice that people are able to find love again. Being a narcissistic bridezilla is a totally different thing to judge on.

This.

Unless you definitely know it's your thing, and it doesn't appear to be OPs, a 5 day group trip in Ibiza will be not only expensive but shit. If she's chosen the location because she wants to party, it's also potentially really exhausting for anyone who isn't used to doing a lot of that in a short space of time. Which I suspect OP isn't given what she's said about her life.

The trouble with compromise is that all too often nobody is happy! The bride feels that her hen do is too unimportant to attend the whole thing, guest is still spending money, time and energy but it won’t be appreciated 🤷‍♀️ IMO, decide what you are happy to do (eg attend wedding beside beach and accept that it may be expensive but you are happy in lovely hotel) and that is your line in the sand-whether it is appreciated or not!

Well done on putting the message out. I can guarantee there’ll be others who are composing their ‘can’t go’ messages as well.

I also notice you say it’s £1500 estimate, so it could be more!

And I imagine the biggest part of the cost is the airfare?

Those saying that the OP has plenty of time to save up are so tone deaf.

Sod that. It’ll end up costing way more than that. Fuel prices going down flights will increase, they’ll chuck in activities that will increase in price. It’ll end up being at least £2000. No way would I attend this.

I earn a good salary and £1500 pp is what we're spending on our two week summer holiday for flights, accommodation and transfers this year. It's a hell of a lot for five days.

I'm glad you've said you can't go. I wouldn't waste a very rare break away from my children (teenagers with complex disabilities) on something I didn't want to do with people I didn't want to be with. Never mind the money.

If your husband thinks you could make this work if you really wanted to go, why not plan a couple of nights away, either on your own or with a friend, to get a proper break?

Talk directly to your sister.. you don’t have childcare or the money to go away.. instead you’d like to take her for a spa day/got tickets to see her favourite show (or whatever your sister would like)

Honestly though, if my sister gave me grief about prioritising my child at her first wedding I wouldn’t even be attending the second. You are a grown up.. not someone she can tell what to do.

😆

That sounds like a good option. But be careful how you phrase it so she doesn't think it's an alternative event as people may avoid the more expensive one then... its for people who have already said they can't attend.

Also... I think your sister must make you nervous, as you are phrasing things quite apologetically.
So instead of:
"I don't think 5 days away will be feasible as it will mean my partner will have to take 5 days holiday from work for me to attend."
Try saying
"That does not work for me. I cannot take 5 days away from DS atm and also my partner does not have the annual leave to take 5 days off for him."

The first sounds like you are not really sure, you only think it.. it implies you need to find out properly, you might think it sounds a bit more polite, but a bossy person like your sister will take it that you could do it if you really wanted to and so it doesn't come across as a no. The second states firmly that its not possible and is more bombproof.

My family used to exert similar pressure and over the years, I've sort of evolved an equation to help me weigh up these kinds of things. eg

1. Attend event I don't want to go to = avoid drama and hassle but hate attending or
2. Saying no to event I don't want to go to = massive drama and argument upfront but at least I don't have to spend money on event I just don't want to go to.

I tend to think, since your family says things like "you need to prioritise your sisters wedding.". that indicates to me that there will be massive drama there anyway about something whatever you do.. so if you already have the drama. ..option one doesn''t really prevent it so you may as well go for option two and at least have the benefit of not attending.

Also, the next time they make stupid comments about prioritising... snap right back "I will always prioritise my son, I am his mother." and "Nothing you can say will change my mind on that." Don't be so worried about them kicking off.. They do it because it works. It's how they control you. Experiment with saying no to them and not caring if they kick off. In reality what can they do about it.

@irishchick93

Fuck that shit. £1500 for a hen do in Ibiza! I wouldn't go even if I could. Ludicrous cost.

I don't know what it is these days but what's wrong with getting your girlfriends together for a meal, some cocktails and a club (for those that have the staying power)?

That is all I did for both of mine (married twice obviously) I would never want any of my friends to feel obliged to pay that much money for me.

Could you meet somewhere in middle and go for less time? Maybe fly out but get a earlier flight home. Not sure if that’s financially viable. Also most people who have a expenny abroad hen should have a home hen for those who can’t afford the lavish trip.. that’s what I did !

I have to wonder as well whether it would even be much cheaper. The accommodation would probably be group in some way, whether that's shared rooms in a hotel or booking a self contained property like a villa. If so, can't really ask to pay 3/5 of one's equal share of the accommodation, since it's not like they're going to be able to get someone else into an apartment/shared room in a hotel to recoup the costs.

Presumably the spending money is less for a shorter period, but that's likely quite a small part of the cost.

This.

She sounds very unreasonable. A second marriage with such an expensive hen do. The type that have to spend spend to be pretend to be happy.

Plus the wedding accommodation is ridiculously expensive as it is.

Could I afford it yes , would i spend that much on someone else's hen do ? Absolutely not .
Just be straight and tell her you can't afford it or afford for dh to take 5 days off . Absolutely ridiculous expecting people to pay that especially since its her 2nd wedding! When doing things like this you have to expect there will be people that can't attend .

25 people invited to the hen do! That's bigger than some weddings. You're not really going to be missed in such a large group and I think your response has been very sensible.