AIBU to decline my sisters hen party due to cost and childcare?

[Tairneanach]

My sister is getting married in July 2027 and due to the location it will cost us £700 in travel and accommodation to attend. There is currently a destination hen party being planned for May 2027, 5 days in Ibiza, which is going to cost around £1500 each if the MOHs estimates are correct.

Will I be unreasonable to say I won't be able to attend the hen party? Partially due to the costs, but I also have a severely disabled child and don't think 5 days away will be feasible as it will mean my partner will have to take 5 days holiday from work for me to attend.

I would hope they'd be understanding, but this is my sister's second marriage and a lot of agro was given to me for leaving her first wedding at 8pm due to my child (who was a lot younger at the time) becoming distressed due to the noise, busy environment etc and it was stated that I could just not prioritise him and celebrate my sister since its her day.

Hoping to get some advice on whether this is reasonable of me to decline, and if so what could I say to not cause any drama?

This is so much time and money, it’s a lot to ask anyone on top of the costs of attending a wedding.

When I moved to the UK I discovered a whole new level of wedding madness.

If someone wants their family or friends to stay at the wedding venue, they book and pay for it. If someone wants a hen abroad, they first check who can make it (financially or otherwise) before issuing invitations and quoting costs.

£1500 for 5 days - I’d want luxury for that price! Not a regular Airbnb and some nightclubs…

I have recently moved back to my home country and a group of friends of a friend are planning her hen locally. Initial idea was £200 for a night out in a luxury villa with private chef and a 16 hour window to check back out. That is more than my food budget a month, so no thank you. After half of us (the southern Europeans) backed out and said we couldn’t make it anymore, the plans changed and we are now doing a whole afternoon activity, dinner and night out for about £60-70 each.

I consider that reasonable, family or no family. I’m not about to spend the majority of my monthly wage on getting drunk for someone’s party - people have lost their minds.

And yeah, I’m in my 20s so up on current trends and cost of things.

And I bet that £1500 covers part of the cost for the bride...........

Totally this! I can't believe the entitlement/self-centredness of people who expect others to spend that sort of money celebrating them.

If you can't afford it (who can?!), you can't afford it and that should be enough. When it costs that much surely there'll be other people who also can't afford it and a home hen is also planned as a more low key day/night out.

Maybe say something like "I hope you have an amazing time but I'm not able to come as I don't have the money. Will you be having a home hen? I'd love to help organise something or could we do a little spa day when you're back? I'm gutted to miss out but I just can't afford it."

I'd keep it focused on the money firstly even though I also completely understand the challenge of being away for 5 days from your disabled child.

DSis doesn’t get a vote on your family’s budget. How your family spends its holiday pot is down to you and your DH. DSis doesn’t get to dictate that it’s spent on her (second) hen party.

Good grief, YANBU. My sister is my closest friend and her wedding/hen were my absolute priorities over everything else that year. But there's no way I could have afforded £700 to attend her wedding, never mind £1500 for a hen do! And I don't even have children or a partner to consider!

I'd be stayiing in a youth hostel/air bnb in Cornwall and not going to Ibiza - not out of any wish to spte her but because that's what's affordable. £1500 per person and 5 nights away - that's insane!

Bloody hell, your sister sounds like a precious, entitled, little Bridezilla! Of course you shouldn't go. All that money for a hen do, how ludicrous! And I HATE hen dos abroad (like weddings abroad.) It's so selfish and thoughtless of the bride (and groom) as they clearly don't give a fuck about the costs and hassle involved for other people. And it's her second wedding too. What a bloody princess!

Say 'sorry Sharon I'm not coming to the hen, I'll come to your next one!'

Sorry you are having a problem with your inconsiderate sister.

I agree. It's a ridiculous over indulgent event. If your sister kicks off that's her problem and I'd be tempted to say I'm not coming to the wedding either.

Your sister is being totally outrageous! It would be bad enough for a 1st wedding, but a second...?

I certainly wouldn't go to the hen party. TBH, I would stay somewhere of my choosing for the wedding too. What does it matter to her where you stay? She is very unlikely to meaningfully notice whether you are in 'her' hotel or not.

£1500 for a hen do when it’s her second marriage? No.

I agree with the suggestion of arranging a meal with any other people who won’t be going to Ibiza.

So the cost is £2200, which between now and next year OP would have to save £180 ish a month, what makes anyone think that’s possible?

Your DS is better totally unreasonable for the hen and the wedding!

Say 'sorry Sharon I'm not coming to the hen, I'll come to your next one!'

🤣👌

Did you have a hen abroad?

Exactly! Maybe OP wants to prioritise that money for something else!

• a holiday for OP’s whole family, not just OP on a hen party
• school uniform
• sports/clubs/activities for DC
• a car deposit/payment, car insurance
• mortgage deposit/payment
• home improvements
• a residential school trip
• pension
• pets

Bottom line: DSis doesn’t get to rip through OP’s monthly budget and allocate £180/month to her own hen party for the next year+.

No I didn't have a hen party at all. I had a very low key wedding, went to the local registry office with parents and siblings and their children, then took them out for a meal afterwards.

A best mans speech, for a bride getting wed for the second time in a short time, famously began, "Well, welcome back".

Of course you arent being unreasonable OP. £1500 each for a hen party is crazy money. That is my opinion anyway. Just say you cant afford it. If you were my sister I wouldnt expect you to come along and leave your dc which will be another worry. Then again my hen do was in my local pub and then a club a very long time ago. Still had a fab time. Nip this in the bud so they orgainise numbers with how many friends are going along.

she is not the boss of you and your credit card. You can say no to this, too. What is she going to do? uninvite you? Then you have no cost at all. Win-win.

I've put a message in the group chat explaining that I won't be able to attend the abroad hen party but if there is a more local hen being organised I'd love to attend that. I figured I'd explain why if anyone asks why, rather than putting it all in my message and coming across as defensive.

Nobody has replied to my message yet but 6 other hens have messaged saying how excited they are. None of them (group of 25) have said they can't make it yet, maybe they were too nervous to be the first to say they can't make it rather than me being the only person not attending? 😬

Sometimes it only takes the first little pebble of a "no" and then the avalanche starts.

So what about the wedding hotel, are you prepared to say "no" to that, too? what if she has a 3rd wedding?

Everyone will be relieved someone else has said it first.

I would say so and I bet a lot of them will feel much more able now you, the sister have said no

Well done. Definitely always the best course of action to just say you can’t make it, rather than give a detailed explanation of the reasons. Most people aren’t cheeky enough to ask why.

Others will definitely have more courage to decline now that someone else has said no first.

Nobody has replied to my message yet but 6 other hens have messaged saying how excited they are.

I could put money on the fact that she has got them to say that to deflect from your post.

Well done OP - I have only read your posts but i think it is supremely selfish of her to expect all this expense for a second wedding - the first of which must have only been a couple of years ago if you had DC.

A very measured response from you.