Gift from Dad - now he wants it back?

[cashquestions]

I've namechanged for this - obvious reasons really - but just need to know what people think.

I'm late 40s, two teen boys. Mum died four years ago and shortly after my Dad, very generously and unexpectedly gave us a sum of money that he said was my mum passing money down to us. It was properly documented as a gift for IHT purposes etc and I've invested it and put it in pensions etc. It's mostly tied up for the long term so that my kids can go to uni debt free.

I am very grateful.

Now my dad has married again. I'm delighted. But he wants to buy a new home with new wife, and he's asked me to 'lend' him a third of the money he gave me to help him get this 'over the line'. He reckons this will be short term while she sells her property - wants my money for three months. But there's no guarantee of course that it will be.

I could SCRAPE together what he wants. It would mean losing ISA allowances, selling investment at a loss etc. of course, if he needed an op or something drastic I would do it. But this is so he can sell a nice home that was my family home and buy something pricier in a 'more upmarket' bit of a very nice village.

I'm sad he's asked. It makes me feel like the money he gave wasn't really a gift, and that he's always wanted control over how it was used.

Should I lend him it? What will happen to our relationship if I don't? Am I unreasonable to resent him asking?

Your son is fortunate he’s getting uni paid, so i’m sure a small loan won’t hurt. You can always repay when you get the money back.

it can be hard to find a house that meets your needs, so can understand him reaching out to try and secure it. Your dad’s circumstances have changed and I think it’s pretty mean to refuse to help him secure a home they want to buy. I guess he will have no choice now to see what the market is saying when his new wife has sold. Sounds like your dad has been very generous and would be planning to return the money. Shame you’re refusing to help him out.

All tied up/spent

The new house is want and not a need. The couple already have two houses, one of which OP has described as being a nice house. I wouldn’t dream of giving my dc an unexpected student loan so that my new step- mother could move into a new house a few months quicker.

If you don’t have money for your son’s rent, then the interest from a bridging loan will be a lot more. i just can’t imagine refusing to help my father out like this, when he was so generous in the first place. Others have said that was your mums inheritance to you, but legally it was your dads and generous of him to give some to family. Guess he never expected to need it. Hopefully your brother will help him out.

How was he generous 'in the first place' if he's asking for it back and expecting it to be available? Come off it.

It was a gift. You don't ask for gifts back.

It's for them both; he's not giving his wife money. Your post sounds so misogynistic.

He is giving is wife money, he's told the OP she'll be paid back when the wife sells her property. The loan is for the new wife to cover her 'share' towards the new house they want to buy.

I'm aware of the purpose of the loan. Given that the house is for them both, he's not giving his wife money. Why is share in inverted commas? Perhaps don't refer to her as 'the wife'?

I think you have to do what you think your mum would have wanted as it was her money. I know it was a gift from your Dad but he inherited it from her…
I think it’s far more likely she would want you and her DGC to have it!

It is not his ONLY choice, it is his PREFERRED choice. Probably because he knows that it will not be for three months only and expects to be pestered less by family than he would be by a bank.

Even if his new wife already has a buyer lined up (has she?) it can take an age to sell a house; and what if there's no interest from buyers? What then? What if the buyer changes their mind? What if the current financial environment in this country gets even worse and they lose their job and pull out? What if the buyer is a gazunderer? And that's even assuming there is a buyer on the horizon!

"it's the 'perfect home' and they don't want to lose it."
Then he needs to go and arrange some bridging finance, not pressure his daughter into disadvantaging herself and her children.

You have done the sensible thing with the money gifted to you - you have it invested to meet the needs of your children. It is not accessible, it is not available for lending out.

The answer is 'no'.

No, the market is absolutely NOT fast moving! It's not 'dire' but it really tanked last summer/autumn and isn't recovering.

It’s for her dad too, not another woman’s comfort. This woman has a house to sell, she isn’t trying to scam anyone. He is simply asking his DC for a loan. I don’t see the issue personally but OP isn’t going to help him out so guess he either pays extortionate bridging loan or he buys something else. Nothing wrong with him asking - he isn’t asking for the money back completely. His circumstances changed, he should have just kept the money for himself as it was his inheritance anyway.

It'll be his preferred choice because it won't cost him, there won't be financial penalities if he doesn't repay as agreed, there will be no interest, and whoever they are getting a mortgage from won't take into consideration the repayments as it will be down as a gift.

But if the OP has already invested it and made plans based on having this money, to then have to give it back will cost her, even if he were to repay as agreed on the nail.

No decent parent would want to cost their child!

This in spades. Just say that the money is locked in.

No, don’t give it back and don’t feel guilty.

If he was destitute that would be a different story but he’s not. Just tell him it’s all tied up in pensions and you’ve can’t give him anything.

This

Thing is @Zanatdy if the OP has put the money into pensions it’s essentially gone, you can’t just withdraw some. Yes, she could access some of the original gift but at a financial penalty to herself, and unfortunately, if you give someone a gift, explicitly stating that it’s a gift (they did HMRC paperwork saying so) you can’t reasonably change your mind about it later. Especially financial gifts, because money paid into pensions or mortgages cannot be taken back out again at will.

Unreasonable of the dad in this scenario to ask for the gift money AND state he regretted giving it AND then berate the OP for putting the money away sensibly in order to alleviate a hugely expensive time for her own family.

He probably hasn’t thought through the student loans situation, if OP is my sort of age or older she won’t have had them and they may not really have registered with him. @cashquestions don’t feel bad here, I think it’s your dad who’s got a bit carried away, and as you said before he could ask your brother or take a loan out temporarily. You should not now be financially penalised for having less access to cash than your dad would like!!

Honestly having been there, please do not believe that they will never change. A remarriage can make a huge difference which me and my wider family know to our cost.

Except new wife is on the scene, wants the world and will likely inherit everything including "the loan" that was a part of her late mother wishes

That money will never be seen again if it’s handed over to the Dad will get frittered away
Not what your mother would’ve wanted OP

Say its all gone and you paid off your mortgage with it

Wants the world? You are just making up details.

I wouldn’t either. This was a gift from your mother to you.

Am I, wants a more upmarket house in a nicer village? Read between the lines......

I wouldn't think he'd be moving if he was still on his own...