Gift from Dad - now he wants it back?

[cashquestions]

I've namechanged for this - obvious reasons really - but just need to know what people think.

I'm late 40s, two teen boys. Mum died four years ago and shortly after my Dad, very generously and unexpectedly gave us a sum of money that he said was my mum passing money down to us. It was properly documented as a gift for IHT purposes etc and I've invested it and put it in pensions etc. It's mostly tied up for the long term so that my kids can go to uni debt free.

I am very grateful.

Now my dad has married again. I'm delighted. But he wants to buy a new home with new wife, and he's asked me to 'lend' him a third of the money he gave me to help him get this 'over the line'. He reckons this will be short term while she sells her property - wants my money for three months. But there's no guarantee of course that it will be.

I could SCRAPE together what he wants. It would mean losing ISA allowances, selling investment at a loss etc. of course, if he needed an op or something drastic I would do it. But this is so he can sell a nice home that was my family home and buy something pricier in a 'more upmarket' bit of a very nice village.

I'm sad he's asked. It makes me feel like the money he gave wasn't really a gift, and that he's always wanted control over how it was used.

Should I lend him it? What will happen to our relationship if I don't? Am I unreasonable to resent him asking?

No way it's your money from your Mum passing. I am in a situation with my Dad's second wife who is gunning for everything he had. If you lend him this you will not get it back and likely she could get it all when he dies.

I honestly think it's all above board, not some kind of trick or anything. I also think she knows how his finances are.

But that doesn't mean I don't think it could be a lot longer than three months before the money comes back, or that it could not end up being incredibly awkward.

he gave me a bit of a lecture on 'what would you do if an emergency happened -it's wrong to tie your money up'
Cheeky bugger! What if you lend him a big lump of money and then you have an emergency? He's not bothered about that is he?

Absolutely not.
Not a chance.
The money is fully tied up and you cannot access it.
Awful shabby behaviour from him.
I would be so regretful, but very firm that it simply isn't possible.

I agree with this. The new woman might be nice to your face OP but she'll be the one driving this request to return a gift.
I would smile and nod, agree that you should manage the money better, what a silly billy you are etc. BUT dont give him a penny, have a few excuses and use them on repeat.

Tell him no. You'll never see it again, his wife will see to that.

Assuming somebody has said this or similar, but just in case - wouldn't this be mortgage fraud if you sign a letter to say it's a true gift, when in fact the expectation from both sides is that he'll pay you back?

And if you treat it as a loan, with paperwork etc, then there's a risk the lender won't be happy with that, given it increases overall exposure / risk.

No, it's your mum's money for you and he and his new wife will have to get a bridging loan.

"tied up" means fixed term savings, eg it can be tied up for a year or even 6 months. So you can easily get it for university - or even for a future holiday.

I wouldn't lend my parent money if they were married to someone else. The someone else would naturally be thinking of them and their kids, not me and mine. You'd never get it back.

Glad to see the OP's update and the fact she said no.

I think saying no is the right thing. Yes you can get the money out in an emergency, but this isn’t an emergency, and it’s definitely not an emergency for you!

Good point!

You dealt with this correctly, OP!

Do not do this OP. Say no.

Well that's even easier. She doesn't have spare cash to fund a house deposit. It's ridiculous he even asked.

And seeing as he asked assuming she had spare cash because of the inheritance, he is asking for the gift back.

absolutely this … 🤦🏻‍♀️

If your DB is so wealthy & happy to give the money back, maybe he can lend/give them what they want for the new house.

its not a gift if he thinks he can just ask for it back.

what if you'd spent it all

just keep saying you can't, it's tied up as you've been financially astute with it. If he goes on about not tying it up in case if an emergency, just say, you thought it was a gift to you, not a loan.

Your updates have changed my mind. I think you need to lend it back to him. He’s had a generous thought, and has given you money that he couldn’t really afford as it turns out. Your mum’s money is rightfully his after her death.

Hes done something kind but misguided. I think it’s a bit shit to realise this, and say “tough. It’s mine now” especially if you value your relationship with him.

If he puts that money into a house for he and his wife, that means it's going into a marital asset.

He's ok with taking from your kids so his new wife can have a different house a few months sooner that if they wait for their own homes to sell.

.

I also think it's for the best if only one sibling lends money, then there can be no question of it being returned.

Well i’d have to give it back. He will re-pay it and at the end of the day, his circumstances have changed since he gave that gift; and he’s asking his children for a short term loan. You’re going to say no sorry, i’ll lose out on interest or it might be 4 months not 3. Yes you may have to use some of your own money for your son’s rent payment, but assume you can do this.

it’s probably taken a lot for him to ask you both, and its not like he is being reckless. He wants to secure a house that they’ve found. He is thinking he was too hasty in giving the money, and he probably was. He isn’t asking for it back completely. Your decision; but yes it will impact on your relationship if you say no. Not sure why you’re saying it will impact your relationship either way. Can you not see why he is asking? They want to secure that house, in a difficult market, and asking you both is his only choice. Harsh to hold that against him. He wasn’t to know where life was going to take him.

100% agree.

No at Zanatdy, I do not have other money for my son's rent payment. He will have to take a student loan - which I realise many do.

I'm confused why this is a difficult market? It is not fast moving?

Also, why is it his only choice - genuinely confused? He can get a bridging loan, as mentioned, or probably a personal loan. But they would cost money, I get that and I'm sure he doesn't want to do it - and maybe I should enable that. I did think about offering to pay the interest on the loan for him.

I really disagree.
Why should money from her mum be spent on another woman’s comfort rather than her dc?
Lending money in family is a really bad idea and adding in a step- mother makes it far more difficult.
Dad has the option of a bridging loan, asking really wealthy son for money or simply waiting until he has enough money and then moving.
He should not be asking for a gift back, particularly not one based on the death of his wife and OP’s mother.

Tell him its all tied up and you cant access it
If they want their perfect home then they will have to get a bridging loan