Gift from Dad - now he wants it back?

[cashquestions]

I've namechanged for this - obvious reasons really - but just need to know what people think.

I'm late 40s, two teen boys. Mum died four years ago and shortly after my Dad, very generously and unexpectedly gave us a sum of money that he said was my mum passing money down to us. It was properly documented as a gift for IHT purposes etc and I've invested it and put it in pensions etc. It's mostly tied up for the long term so that my kids can go to uni debt free.

I am very grateful.

Now my dad has married again. I'm delighted. But he wants to buy a new home with new wife, and he's asked me to 'lend' him a third of the money he gave me to help him get this 'over the line'. He reckons this will be short term while she sells her property - wants my money for three months. But there's no guarantee of course that it will be.

I could SCRAPE together what he wants. It would mean losing ISA allowances, selling investment at a loss etc. of course, if he needed an op or something drastic I would do it. But this is so he can sell a nice home that was my family home and buy something pricier in a 'more upmarket' bit of a very nice village.

I'm sad he's asked. It makes me feel like the money he gave wasn't really a gift, and that he's always wanted control over how it was used.

Should I lend him it? What will happen to our relationship if I don't? Am I unreasonable to resent him asking?

Oh for goodness sake hes asked to borrow it for 3 months. She can say no it’s tied up if she can’t give him it. He’s not jeapordised anyone’s future.

She was happy enough to take the financial gift. Why wouldn't she help him now?

He shouldn't have asked, but I really think that you don't have any choice as otherwise he could just write you out of his will.

The money he gave you was a bonus, you weren't expecting it and it was generous of him.

In a sort of similar situation myself. My parents are divorced and my mum still hasn’t paid my dad as part of the settlement (it’s been 2 1/2 years…mum is financially controlling). He needs the money to be able to invest in his new GF’s property as she has a deal with with her ex about selling the property when their youngest child turns 18, but dad wants to buy the ex out. Dad has asked me and DSis to bridge the gap, which is well in excess of £100k.

DSis made a good point: if we had asked him to give us over £100k to invest in a relatively new boyfriend’s property, he’d have told us we weren’t being very sensible. It made me feel much better about the whole thing, as I felt like we ought to lend him the money, but had reservations because of the 3rd party involvement (I.e. his girlfriend, her ex and 3 x DC).

Agree with others that you should say it’s tied up.

I think this is very hard as he told you it was him passing down your mother's money, and it must have meant a huge amount to you. He really should have asked you for a loan and put it in writing in case he fell under a bus, as he's remarried. He's saying now he gave you money too early, but actually he gave it to you at the right time because now he's remarried his situation is different surely? At the very least you should get any loan documented and protected. And personally I think it would be fair to tell him it's not really possible to withdraw the money. Maybe if your brother is really wealthy he could lend him the whole amount if it's really necessary?

He didn't help her out, her gave her a gift. And what about OP's kids?

You need to tell him you can't give it back. It's tied up , and trying to scrape it together would leave you and his grandchildren in a financially difficult position. You are not wealthy like your sibling. Is this really what he wants you to try to do, jeopardize your and his grandchildren's financial security?

Not cool. My parents gifted both me and my brother just over £70k each. DB used his gift to put his 3 DCs through uni. I put mine into a pension (that I am too young to access) and my mortgage. It was a gift and I have no intention of paying it back (neither would my DB). If my parents ask for it back, I will be telling them that the money’s been spent, which it has. If they wanted it back when it was given, it should have been agreed as a loan.

Giving the gift was helping her out!

What about the kids?

He shouldn't have asked, but I really think that you don't have any choice as otherwise he could just write you out of his will.

Fucking hell.

She should help him out because it's the right thing to do.

A future will isn’t really a factor here as any money he has in the future will go to his new wife

i'm really not expecting any inheritance - it's not about any of that! This money was a lovely surprise and I suppose I've just got used to it being ours and factored it into our financial planning.

But I do care more about my relationship with my dad than I do about the rest of it.

Anyhow, I have spoken to him. I explained it is tied up - he gave me a bit of a lecture on 'what would you do if an emergency happened -it's wrong to tie your money up'.

I said 'if it were an emergency I would be able to get it out, but i don't think this is one as I think there are other options."

We talked about bridging finance and I left it there - to be discussed again if necessary.

Ouch though.

Hmm, I've seen this a bit in my husbands family, mil gets with widowed bloke, he's besotted, she's controlling, pushed out his kids, and ended up leaving his money to step kids, shocking. Let her kids loan her the money, if she needs it and be careful you don't get your nose pushed out, I never get why old folks want to get married anyway, unless it benefits one of them financially......, I wouldn't want my dad remarrying, there's no need for it, you can have a perfectly lovely relationship, without getting married and all the financial implications that come with it. Watch your back, my mil was always perfectly nice on the surface, but underneath plotting away.

I wouldn't lend it to him. Say it's been put into kids' names and can't be accessed in time.

he gave me a bit of a lecture on 'what would you do if an emergency happened -it's wrong to tie your money up'.

Pot…meet kettle. A lecture?!?!

Good update, OP. Rather patronising of him to give you a lecture on financial organisation under the circumstances. I think you've done the right thing.

‘Sorry, Dad, I’ve spent/invested it in Junior ISAs for the dcs so it’s no longer available.’

he gave me a bit of a lecture on 'what would you do if an emergency happened -it's wrong to tie your money up'.

Lol. Tell him to tell his wife that.

Gosh, I'd have lent it back to him.

If it's 'tied up' how are you going to access it for childreb's uni?

He'll interpret this as you not helping him short term when he asked, whereas he was generous to you when he could be.

This!
What a fecking hypocrite he is!
Gave you a lump sum and then asked for it back!?
I think that's awful & I would never do that to my children.

cashquestions
Don't do it
Let her sell her house
And the way house prices are
They'll probably have enough anyway
To buy what they want
Sorry to ask, but
She doesn't assume he's richer than he really is does she?

@ONTHEPREMISES some matures in June for Ds1s next rent payment, then another bit in September, etc etc.

Because it's invested long term and there's likely large penalties for early withdrawals. Plus, there could be tax implications.

This is not an emergency.

Ok so what would happen if you take it out early?

You'd lose some money presumably, but still have £20-£100k more than you did before your dad gave you any.

Worth some loss to help him out, maintain the realtionship and still have £20k-£100k more money than you did when he pays you back?

Surely your ‘very wealthy’ db can lend him the lot? I did this for my dm when she moved, auction property that she liquidated all her shares for but was short, so I gave her the amount she needed temporarily then got it back when she sold her big house. I had to show provenance to her solicitor, but she’d have had issues had I been unable to fork it over. My Dh had nothing to do with this, so I don’t think you need to be involved.

It really isn’t fair of him to ask you this.