Gift from Dad - now he wants it back?

[cashquestions]

I've namechanged for this - obvious reasons really - but just need to know what people think.

I'm late 40s, two teen boys. Mum died four years ago and shortly after my Dad, very generously and unexpectedly gave us a sum of money that he said was my mum passing money down to us. It was properly documented as a gift for IHT purposes etc and I've invested it and put it in pensions etc. It's mostly tied up for the long term so that my kids can go to uni debt free.

I am very grateful.

Now my dad has married again. I'm delighted. But he wants to buy a new home with new wife, and he's asked me to 'lend' him a third of the money he gave me to help him get this 'over the line'. He reckons this will be short term while she sells her property - wants my money for three months. But there's no guarantee of course that it will be.

I could SCRAPE together what he wants. It would mean losing ISA allowances, selling investment at a loss etc. of course, if he needed an op or something drastic I would do it. But this is so he can sell a nice home that was my family home and buy something pricier in a 'more upmarket' bit of a very nice village.

I'm sad he's asked. It makes me feel like the money he gave wasn't really a gift, and that he's always wanted control over how it was used.

Should I lend him it? What will happen to our relationship if I don't? Am I unreasonable to resent him asking?

I should stress I do like his new wife! This isn't some kind of wicked stepmother thing. I just know there's many a slip when it comes to buying and selling property and we're at pretty much the most expensive time in our lives when it comes to the kids - one at uni, one going soon. I think it would get awkward if three months came and went and 'oops, the house isn't selling for as much as we thought" and 'oops, how could we have foreseen this?"

He will be living in the house with HER. Would he ask for this money back if he was single?

You've tied it up in pensions. You can't access it until you retire. Can you offer to help them find a place that is within their actual budget?

This is how i would feel. A loan to your widowed dad is completely different to this scenario with a new wife in the picture

No, do you have any other concerns or questions?

Absolutely this.

Say no - that money was from your mum and his estate is now tied to his new wife. Be aware you have now lost any inheritance from him unless he has made a will.

So its for HIM

It’s not really a loan for the OP’s dad, is it?

It’s the new wife who needs the money until her old house sells.

She can ask her own kids.

The woman can get a bridging loan, I wouldn't give it to him

Interesting - my thought process was two fold. First, the legality of putting money in your kids names and then taking it back off them, so the money is effectively spent from the OPs perspective. It's not hers any more to give back. Second, a grandparent not wanting to deprive their own grandchildren. But I can appreciate that's a perspective that might not be universal

It's not his money anymore and once you give a gift that's it you have no control over it.
" I didn't think you would be taking back the generous gift you made when mum died so unfortunately it's all invested and locked up, I can't access it without a hefty penaltey."

That should shame him enough to not ask again, I would really resent him doing this.

I don't get this POV. You would be prioritising the new woman over your own kids.

And also if it's invested in pensions then yes, it's tied in until retirement.

My DF is widowed and remarried. If I was in this situation my answer would be no. Tell him you can’t access it and don’t have a lot of ready cash.

Just tell him it's all tied up and I wouldn't even say its tied up for a few months in case it comes up again in a few months.
Honestly I'd probably be paranoid and worry i wouldn't get it back, as im sure if things dont work out short term like they'd planned and the house isnt selling, you would not feel comfortable asking for the money back.

I would just tell him it’s tied up and you cant access it

he can take out a bridging loan and repay when her house is sold, or do what everyone else does and slay completion until her house is sold

"I'm sorry dad but I invested the money for the children and it's all tied up - I can't access it. Why don't you see about a bridging loan instead if you can't delay completion?"

You need to say you can't get access to it or any other money as it's all tied up

The money is legitimately tied up. You should not take a loss for a non-essential family loan.

That he wants money he gave you after your mother’s death to buy a home with his new partner is just insensitive. It’s ok he is moving on. He should still be mindful of the fact that it is complicated for adult children. We tend to mourn differently than our senior parents, which is entirely understandable, but still makes this issue complex.

To avoid conflict I’d say ‘sorry dad it would be an inheritance tax nightmare and is now invested.’

and move on. He’s got a real nerve asking you and sadly yes this chimes with what others are saying - he is putting his new partners desires first and thinks he can manage you more easily

Tell himno, sorry but it's tied up in a long term govt bond and you don't have access to that sort of money in the timescales he wants.

No you can't give any of it back. If you withdraw from your pension you will have to pay tax so in effect you will end up with less even if he did pay it back.

There is a high likelihood that he will never pay it back to you so unless you get it drawn up legally and are prepared to go through legal process to recover it, then absolutely do not give him any money.

Just say that it's tied up, you can't access it.

If he thinks he would pay you back when her house sells, they can just wait for her house to sell and there is no need to borrow from anyone.

I should of course say, in case it isn't clear, that it was my dad who very generously made the gift. All my mum's money went to him. He very kindly chose to give some to both of his kids (my db is quite happy to lend the money back, but he is very wealthy).

So though he did say he saw it as giving money to us from our Mum - in the eyes of the law, it's his gift. He didn't have to give it. I am grateful he did as it has made our lives more pleasant and means my Dses are better set up for uni.

This..dont give the money back but offer to help.

I’d be upfront about what it means for you. The original gift was invested long term and is inaccessible. You do have some personal savings and investments that have been significantly impacted by the current market situation, but even if you did scrape those together it would come at a significant cost to you.

I might have asked for short term support from
DC if I thought the money was just sitting in an account. But In those circumstances I wouldn’t expect my DC to help.