Gift from Dad - now he wants it back?

[cashquestions]

I've namechanged for this - obvious reasons really - but just need to know what people think.

I'm late 40s, two teen boys. Mum died four years ago and shortly after my Dad, very generously and unexpectedly gave us a sum of money that he said was my mum passing money down to us. It was properly documented as a gift for IHT purposes etc and I've invested it and put it in pensions etc. It's mostly tied up for the long term so that my kids can go to uni debt free.

I am very grateful.

Now my dad has married again. I'm delighted. But he wants to buy a new home with new wife, and he's asked me to 'lend' him a third of the money he gave me to help him get this 'over the line'. He reckons this will be short term while she sells her property - wants my money for three months. But there's no guarantee of course that it will be.

I could SCRAPE together what he wants. It would mean losing ISA allowances, selling investment at a loss etc. of course, if he needed an op or something drastic I would do it. But this is so he can sell a nice home that was my family home and buy something pricier in a 'more upmarket' bit of a very nice village.

I'm sad he's asked. It makes me feel like the money he gave wasn't really a gift, and that he's always wanted control over how it was used.

Should I lend him it? What will happen to our relationship if I don't? Am I unreasonable to resent him asking?

No i wouldn't. And i would be concerned he was being financially abused. Why cant they wait until his new wife’s house is sold?

I’d be inclined to tell him its so tightly tied up that it requires months of notice to withdraw. And if he’s a good dad, he’ll accept that, you’ll hear no more about it and that’ll be that.

I totally get where you’re coming from, it’s like it wasn’t really a gift because he feels he’s entitled to ask for access to it as and when required.

Tell him it’s tied up. YANBU at sll

Yep tell him it’s absolutely tied up!

Agree with PP.

Also I hope you're OK as getting this request from my dad would really throw me and make me feel quite shit. I don't think it's OK to ask for a gift back that he said was your mums money.

So it would be reasonable to say that you've given it to your children. If it was in their names, you wouldn't legally be able to access it to give it to your dad. Whether or not you have actually put it in their names is beside the point, your dad doesn't need to know the details.
"Sorry dad, I don't have access to that cash any more. We put it away for the kids. I don't have the kind of money available in ready cash that you're asking for"

What would he have done if you paid off your mortgage with it? It’s not cash that is freely available to him. You have no guarantee that you will get it back, so it’s a no.

This would make me feel uncomfortable. I’d say you’ve looked into it and unfortunately it’s tied up.

No, id be saying the money is tied up in SIPPS and LISAs that cant be accessed at this time without penalties.

Or id be tempted to say sorry its all gone!

Tell him it’s tied up for 6 months.

Exactly this. “Really sorry dad, but since it was a gift we put it all in pensions or ISAs where we can’t easily withdraw. Also, if I give the money back to you, that undermines that it was a gift given on X date for IT purposes.”

If all they need is finance for a very short period, they can take out eg a bridging loan or possibly a personal loan. The interest for three months won’t be vast. Or they can just wait three months until the woman’s house sells.

I definitely wouldn’t risk the financial security of your kids and yourself when there is no guarantee you’ll ever get the money back. New women could use all sorts of arguments to talk your dad out of it, and if they marry it could all wind up with her and her offspring, which I’m sure isn’t what your mum would have wanted.

It would be totally unreasonable to drag her children into this.

Agree with PPs. Sorry, it’s all tied up in very long term investments and totally unable to access any of it. Took you at your word that it was inheritance from mum, and being passed on, and haven’t kept it immediately accessible for house purchases etc.

Yup! His ship sailed when he gifted it to you. I would just tell him that it was a considerable amount of money, so you were sensible and invested it in long term investments which will several months and a lot of paperwork to free up. I would be concerned that he needs it so quickly and desperately. What is the need for hurry to ‘get the marriage over the line’?

But he hasn't asked for the gift back; he's asked to borrow some money from you. The two things are different, surely?

I don't think he's wanted control of the money. I think he probably just thinks you have easy access and won't need it in the short term so wouldn't mind helping him.

I would probably tell him that it's tied up in investments in your children's names so isn't easy to access and that even if you were able to access it, there would be penalties so it's probably cheaper for him and his wife to get a bridging loan.

Tell him you spent it all on Pokémon cards.

he's the one who tied it to the gift @FeliciaFancybottom - saying 'shouldn't have given you so much earlier' basically. I wouldn't actually have minded as much if he'd just asked for some cash

Ublike others i don't actually see an issue with this request.

If my dad had given me for example 50k and subsequently asked if he could BORROW 20k then I wouldn't hesitate if I had the money. Very rarely are investments 'tied' in. It generally means you would lose some interest.

You may be more sceptical if you don't trust the return of this money but no-one else here knows that

Oh, that changes my feelings then. Sorry he's being an arse.

Woman dies. Man finds new woman. New woman becomes the most important thing in his life and man shits on his children in favour of the new shiny woman.

Classic widowed man.

I wouldn't mind lending my dad money. I'd sure as hell resent him asking for money for his new bird.

I 100% agree. I think he's just asking to borrow short term because he knows she has it and won't need it imminently.

But because the repayment will be coming from the sale of the wife's property, I'd probably draw up a contract with her.

For his new bird? Do you think he won't be living in the house?

I think I’d say “sorry dad, that money is ringfenced for the kids uni/future. If I’d known you’d want it back I’d have been saving elsewhere to cover these future costs. If you were in urgent need of the money for surgery or something we could probably find a way to help you out, but you aren’t financially struggling, you’re choosing to buy an expensive house its a lifestyle choice, and that money means a lot to me as inheritance from mum”.

Really? You wouldn't mind your dad asking for a shit ton of money so he can use it for his new wife? At the detriment of your own children and finances?

he's the one who tied it to the gift…saying 'shouldn't have given you so much earlier’

Well in that case it’s a definite no - sounds to me you risk him turning around in a few months and saying “on reflection I gave you too much, so, you’ll get this back when I’m gone”.